Isle of Skye

Snigger, I love Vimrod! ...well, I'm an insomniac once again because I made the mistake of drinking massit ni chai at 10pm and so now can't sleep. Been looking at the Minster Centre website again and sooooo want to go.... but I have to realise that I am not yet ready. For whatever reasons (okay, financial reasons - stupid stupid recession!) and family relationship reasons and "is this really right for me or am I jumping the gun again?" reasons. Although the I Ching can be wrong, I mean, I don't have to take it as gospel, it's not really bonafide God-approved after all, but then it can't be really wrong because what it says makes sense: I really don't feel ready to go. When it pointed out that I have old thinking patterns cluttering the new and truer ones and that I need to resolve bad habits and phobias, that is true. I've been running on empty and if I think that just by feeling a little better than rock bottom for three odd months is enough sign...

Trapped. Cage. Ice. Meh.

Firdaus aunty, Farhat, the runes, the tarot and the I Ching all say that now is not the time for my career in the UK to begin. The I Ching even said I have to meditate and clear out the old and resolve the stuff with my father and possibly Aquila before moving forth, because then my real desires will manifest. Dammit. Meditation this, that and the other. And I like it but I have so much mental resistance over it at the same time! http://www.facade.com/iching Is it the right time for me to start my training in counselling in Minster Centre for September 2009? The present is embodied in Hexagram 52 - Ken (Keeping Still) : When one is resting, and he loses all consciousness of self; when he walks in his courtyard, and does not see any of the persons in it, there will be no error. The second line, divided, shows its subject keeping the calves of his legs at rest. He cannot help the subject of the line above whom he follows, and is dissatisfied in his mind. The situation is evolv...

Futurethinking has bummed me out. Live in the present and reclaim your joy. I might make pasta and tuna for lunch right now. The electric has just come back and won't go for another 5 hours. So what if I don't have the finances to go to London for a holiday this year. So bloody what? If you keep overthinking the joy you may or mayn't experience elsewhere, you just cut into the joy that is present. It will all go into the past anyway and then there's all the excess baggage of what I could have done but didn't. For example: I could have had an amazing time while i was in London. for I was there for 8 months. And if you check to the beginnings of the blog, you know full well that my being in London was as hopeless as my being here now. because of me, of the fact that I have been completely blocked from all forms of true spirituality. even going to Birmingham will be useless unless I'm developing certain aspects of myself. I can't live on my own, that much is tr...

I’ve learned that taking it easy and following your natural rhythms is much more important than productivity. What matters most is how much joy you’re currently experiencing in the present moment. If you’re putting off your happiness until you accomplish something, you’re failing at life. Jonathon Mead Harumph. He should be one of those voices in my head. I have to bring happyness or satisfaction or contentment into my life. So you're here and not there. So you're not at work and are at home. So your brain comes up with these wonderful and glorious idaes: become a counsellor for new Muslims and gay people and suicidals. Can you do it now? no..... since you too are in and out of the religion and suicidal or self destroying at the very least and you're open to being bisexual yourself. So Islamic counsellor may not actually make you happy, even though you feel you "should" do it. Does writing a short story give you pleasure? Not really. I have no inspiration. I'm...

http://lifestooshort.pk None of the short story beginnings I have written so far have captured my passion or interest. They are too bogged down in my own autobiography. It's a pain in the arse to have to write about mental illness and divorce and second marriages. The real Sukaina wouldn't write about that junk. It's already fact, it already happened. And it made me feel like crap. And if i can't stand to write it, I'm not going to bear reading it the first time, let alone again and again. But there are many short stories I've read that I'd love to read again and again. And I remember them like crystal in my head. More than just the disease The Golden Cadillac The Kookuburra Now if I could just find my Global Tales anthology, I'd be able to give you the proper titles. Regarding Adam Lambert from American Idol, I just do NOT understand why people are banging on about his blatant homosexuality and promiscuity. That's completely irrelevant and, furtherm...

The depression hits again. Same emptiness, loneliness, confusion, conflict, lack of faith. I don't really want to go back to London, screw all the material things. I feel so weak today. Fair enough, I've got chronic fatigue and a cold and whatever. But I don't think I want to become a counsellor for the right reasons. I want to become one in order to help me get through stuff, not others. Not really. People scare and disgust me more than they fascinate me. Anyway, I can't live with my dad. He will not change and I am too weak to change or be resistant or courageous right now. Aur waisay bhi there's no money. I am not working and don't want to work and that doesn't really pan out or justify things. And da di dah. And self work is so much to do and I just don't have the support or the resources to do it by myself and all the counsellors I have been to only helped a little and not a lot. Who the heck would want a bipolar counsellor or one who doesn't e...

I literally have 10 minutes before the electric goes again. Today's meeting with Firdaus Apa was a bit disheartening.  She seems so adamant to release me from my religious convictions and so I say Alhamdulillah for the Ahlul Bayt, for Nahjal Balagha and for Sahifa Sajjadiyya as beacons and anchors when I will be tempted to go astray... I mean, she keeps on saying her spirituality goes above religion...."meeeehn"... so wrong, so wrong. Wrong for me, shall we say? Oh God. Please guide me. All I'm doing is bashing my head up against walls and doors, and this confusion is just killing me. Am I meant to be a counsellor or is it desperation that makes me go for it due to the attraction and aversion aspect of my relationship with human beings? CHRIST. The main reason I am here is to post up this affirmation My healing is already in progress. My willingness to forgive begins my healing process. I allow the love from my own heart to wash through me, cleansing and h...

How does someone go from having no options or ambition to having to choose between two or even three things to do and wanting to do them all and knowing that’s impossible in the material, quantum realms and only possible in the virtual realm and you are so damned, damned far away from doing that! (Read “How to know God” by Deepak Chopra then you’ll totally get what I’m saying!) I want to take the entire course at Minster Centre, because the focus on transpersonal, humanistic and integrative counselling and operate two clinics, one specifically for refugees and one for sufferers of domestic abuse. I’m sure I don’t need to sell you further on that one, right? But I also want to take a structurally similar but materially different course at the CCPD (Centre for Counselling and Professional Development) because it focuses on Sufism and spirituality in therapy and dream interpretation and alchemy of relationships and life crises and - omg - it’s like it was created for me. Bo...

God, itni beychayni ho rahi hai aaj . Right now I just want to get out and do something, like ice skate, paint ball and rock climb at Arena. Taz just messaged saying it's a bit expensive. So perhaps it's more than the Rs 300 they wrote on the Internet. That's just like me, wanting to spend spend spend at a time when I have none. And the counselling course. It finally hit me yesterday that I'm going to have to once again interact with people, strangers mostly, on a regular basis and open up and all that shite and it's driving me insane. All my l;ow self esteem and lack of confidence is bounding towards the front. of course I can be a sherni on the blog, that's easy enough. No one reads this junk except for myself and that basically just verifies all that I believe in. I write it, I read it, so it must be okay, since there's no opposition. Fuck, the negativity is coming in droves today. My main sticking point is fear and then anger and then wanting space. All...

4th May 2009 Genius moment after listening to latmiyyah for relaxation and meditation: we perform Maatam on our Heart chakra, the seat of Universal Love :-) and we perform Sajdah on our 6th chakra, with the palm, knee and toe chakras as well... ah, bliss! I want to slowly stop my dependence on the music and try to satisfy myself with the latmiyyah. Because, no matter how I try to justify it, if it's haraam, I am in no position to argue. It is in the hadith, you can't really argue with that, can you? I mean, I didn't even feel sad or motivated enough to recite Surah Faateha for Lady Fatemah (her death anniversary today). And on the other side, my little cousin is going to the masjid every night. I'm just going to demand from Imam e Zaman to loan me or somehow procure the money for me, whether it is by helping me recognise the most appropriate job to take or a loan from the World Federation or something. I HAVE to go to the Al-Mahdi Institute, otherwise I will not only st...

My opinions are so insightful that whenever I voice them people get that glazed look on their faces... Originally uploaded by Vimrod1 And I know this even when they are on the other side of the email, chatting software or the telephone. These Vimrod people are peeling open my mind and stealing all my ideas.... they're out to get me.. *paranoid look* HALP!

Isn't this cake the most glorious thing you've seen today?! *dribble* I feel I am doing things wrong. Again. Bloody energy vampires. Even the ones whom I think might have a spark of Soul within them say such ridiculous and UNNECESSARY things that either pinch, hurt or bewilder and then I must say to myself, "You must be having the same effect on them." I want to reach out to certain people, but at the same time I think it must be their own selves who are pushing me away. Why does it always have to be this ambivalence. So, if you feel, you shouldn't be reading something that I've written, don't. I'm tired of being afraid and tired of being careful. If you don't like my haircut, keep it to yourself. I don't give a shit about my appearance, haven't you got that? And I'll try to do the same. If you don't want to loan me any money for my further education, so be it. I know I have taken a lot from you already. God will give me in abundanc...

Those are what I have to plan for, in case the Birmingham course thing doesn't pan out, and there are many reasons why that would happen. firstly is the fact that the never get 10-12 students willing to take the course. Secondly, finances. So, Firdaus Aunty said that I need to come up with alternatives, she got that feeling as she was doing the healing. I suppose, most of me knows that this won't pan out. Why? Loads of reasons. Re-reading this, I see I've repeated myself twice. ha ha... not so optimistic are we? As I feel, I usually have such high hopes and dreaming about things panning out (why the hell am i thinking of pans, possibly because I want to bake a cake!) and that's what got me in trouble in the first place when I was in London on 2007. Reasons why this may not happen: The fact that they are not up to par when it comes to dealing with email inquiries - idiots. I need more emotional healing, direction and life experience myself before I can work with others I...

How To Choose a Career That Will Make You Happy April 2nd, 2009 by Erin Pavlina Email this article to a friend Sometimes when I’m doing a reading and we get to career the conversation will go something like this: Erin: The guides are telling me that you’re in a tech field, like software engineering, but you aren’t at all happy anymore. The work is totally draining you. Is that right? Sitter: Yes, I’ve been a programmer for 12 years but my heart’s just not in it anymore. If I have to do this another 12 years I’ll go crazy. Erin: Okay, they’re showing me that you became a programmer because it was what you were good at and you knew you could make a good living with it, but that what you really wanted to do was become a therapist and help people who were going through emotional traumas in their lives. Is that right also? Sitter: Wow, yes, that’s exactly true. When I got out of high school I was planning to become a psychologist but I talked mysel...

I feel as though I love everyone and everything. Although I know I don't. But I just want to show joie and ecstasie and sincerite to all. Like a big pyaar ka jhappa to the entire universe. Big side effect of taking up Reiki as a way of life, for sure! I'm watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie and laffing my ass off..... oh, God. Why do there have to be so many wonderful things to experience and not enough time to do it all?

The realisations are becoming more intense and meaningful. So glad, am I. I am completely and utterly surrounded by negativity and I am sure that with my highly absorbent nature, this could be one of the prime reasons why I am who and where I am today. I am unable to transform it all into positivity or buffer myself from it all, news media and religious dogma included, that I just spout it right back out - and even more intensely. I never believed the MBTI descriptions of INfps as being optimistic and wearing rose-tinted glasses. Because I am so negative and pessimistic. However, I am slowly making a mental (now digital) list of all the influential negative people and I have had and do have in my life: My mother My father Both my aunts My aunt's husband These are defo the main players. But I count stressed-out, aggressive, anxious, depressed, passive aggressive, repressed and Bisy Backson (ref: The Tao of Pooh) hyper people as negative, too. They refuse to listen to you or themsel...

The Peak of Eloquence - Nahjul Balagha - Imam Ali (A.S.) http://www.al-islam.org/nahj/ Sermon 32 O' people! we have been borne in such a wrongful and thankless period wherein the virtuous is deemed vicious and the oppressor goes on advancing in his excess. We do not make use of what we know and do not discover what we do not know. We do not fear calamity till it befalls. People are of four categories. Among them is one who is prevented from mischief only by his low position, lack of means and paucity of wealth. Then there is he who has drawn his sword, openly commits mischief, has collected his horsemen and foot-men and has devoted himself to securing wealth, leading troops, rising on the pulpit and has allowed his faith to perish. How bad is the transaction that you allow (enjoyment of) this world to be a price for yourself as an alternative for what there is with Allah for you. And among them is he who seeks (benefits of) this world through actions meant for the next world, but d...