Isle of Skye

And it doesn't help that I am female. As much as I try to claim my own power, the power differential is so vast, that... Am I too honest, too raw, too caring? Yes, yes, yes. Is it wrong to be like this? No, it's just you don't fit on this plane of existence. Whereby people settle for second best, whereby people suppress and deny and fumble around and know or not know and care or don't care and lie while being genuine and... Whereby my mind says one thing, my heart says another and God says a third and messes it all up. Whereby I can swear at God and He knows I don't mean it, but that's not evident to anybody else. To everybody else, I am a blasphemer. Your world is so expansive and I again feel stuck. But this time, it's because I've attached myself to the world. And what I think it has to offer. Sucks, but there you go. I want to sorta kill myself now, just to shut off the pain. Imagine me becoming a Samaritan. I could never become one; I...

I feel as though I should write something, it's been a week since my last post. But there's just not anything positive to write about. My last Thursday's therapy was perhaps the worst session I've had. I went in with the intention of taking a break from it all. i told her as much and Dr Z. seemed a bit reluctant to do so and I myself, i typical INFP manner, also felt that perhaps I'm jumping the gun after 20 sessions and expecting any sort of change. but then she said a few things that really pinched me, and i don't think i can forgive her for those comments. 1. You have a lot of defiance in you (as though it were always a bad thing) 2. I'm doing my job, Sukaina also has to be willing to change. 3. If you're not willing to change, then nothing's going to happen, is it? It didn't occur to me at the time, but why is it always an insistence that I must change and only in the way that she envisions? Anyway, when i got home, i just mentioned to my mot...

I now know what it is to fail a pshychology pop quiz. I failed miserably. 1) I will not be able to do anything. 2) Thinking of my father makes me mad. 3) My mother will never allow me. 4) If only. 5) I must. I gave all the wrong answers when compared the 'normal' person's response. What a load of bull shit. Grr. Grr. Grr. She told me to tell her what careers I want and to look at the Sunday paper for job ads. Therefore, since I lack a choice, here goes: Possible Career Paths for the INFP: ( http://www.personalitypage.com/ ) Writers Counselors / Social Workers Teachers / Professors Psychologists Psychiatrists Musicians Clergy / Religious Workers Musician: oh hell yeah! List No 1 The careers that, in our research, made most use of INFP's preferred function include: Clergy/church worker Psychologist Nurse Designer Counsellor Artist/actor Teacher Marketing specialist Trainer Human Resources http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/careers/infp.htm Nurse, yes. Church worker, oh hell ...

"I matter and so do you" This is from a Mind pamphlet on assertiveness. I like that phrase. First session with Dr. Khan I don't know what to make of her. She invaded my space a bit too much by being really friendly and maintaining an equal status between us. After all, I'm used to the almost disinterested, not-so-empathic way of counselling which I received at Glendon and in London. Not to say it didn't help, especially in London. I completely tensed up in her office, something I did not do with Anouska or with Dr. Sarwat. I think my instincts picked up that I've started something that may actually work this time. I've been angling for bonafide psychotherapy and now that it's within my grasp, whether it is the same old crap CBT or she trys it the Freudian way, it's damned scary. I'm going to have to rip off all the defense mechanisms like projection and repression and see myself for who I really am and what I am really doing. She's a neurob...

Well, since I seem to be thinking more in depth than usual, let's ask a difficult question. Well, the question, of course, is easy enough but my ability to give an acceptable answer is nonexistent. The preamble: you are 23 years old according to the solar calendar, but 24 according to the lunar calendar and, somehow, that should be given more importance. You are a 'Female' 'Pakistani' 'British' 'Asian' with an undergraduate degree in 'English' (linguistics and Language Teaching certificate for non-English areas). You passed up a chance to earn £5,000 a year working as a library assistant, when (at this moment of writing) it seems as though you might have been able to do what was written in the JD. Especially when they were looking to specifically recruit Asians. Well, you've already passed that up. You're 'moderately depressed'. You have no faith in the NHS system, in fact you are almost entirely sure that this CBT won't w...