Isle of Skye

Stupid freaks I have for parents. It's been absolutely aeons since they were married to one another and yet they hold such deep rooted grudges against each other. And it's mostly to do with fucking money. My mother. Argh. 'Oh, aren't you a smart girl, giving all your money to your father.' I said, 'It's a loan, he wanted to pay off the mortgage and will pay me back.' She said, 'Well, you're giving him all your money when I am here without any money.' 'Okay, as soon as I get my money, I'll give it all to you and never look at it again.' 'No, I have given the money to you and you very nicely give it to your father.' Fuck off. It's the same old shit, recycled and rehashed and served on a new platter. And my father is just as bad. 'I don't know why your mother from her rich background married me, a poor man.' 'She's not rich anymore.' 'Oh yes, your family is rich and you have t...

Well, according to The Bell Jar synopsis I read yesterday, Sylvia Plath also had trouble with taking showers. So, I am not alone. As disgusting as it is, there it is. I have such trouble with taking a shower but when I do take one, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal and I wonder why I make it seem so. He has called me a series of C-words over the past couple of weeks. Clever. Crafty. Cunning. Cruel. They have hurt because I think I still see myself as the good girl that I've imagined myself to be for so many years. Just because, in contrast to other people, it might be the case. Also, it's supposedly a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Think the kid is a good girl, tell her she is, and she just might believe it, even if it is to the detriment of who she really was destined to become. And then pay for years of therapy as a result. Other C-words which I think would suit me, even if no one has the guts to say them to my face. Cunt. Confused. Crazy. Clueless. Chocoholic...

The feeling inside of my heart - yes, it is situated quite acutely in that specific organ - of an abysmal abyss that increases, an unease that has crawled its way once again into my being, only this time it is taking away my human breaths with it. A contracting of nerves and of muscle. I find it hard to breathe. Maybe it is because of the thoughts that are pulsating within my entire body and threaten to overflow into this outburst of complete and utter desperation. I think I have done well to control it for this entire week. I have done extremely well. However, with the cycles of my being as they are, with the auguries of complete and utter devastation that continue to circle in this immensely fragile mind of mine, it is only a matter of time before I break. I only hope it is once I have reached my destination and not before. For, each day that I spend in premature mourning here is a day wasted in appreciating what's left of my life here. I know that I won't come back for a ver...

'The truth is that writing is the profound pleasure and being read the superficial.' Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary 'I can shake off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn'. Anne Frank 'Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to Bach's B Minor Mass?' Michael Torke, composer (note to self: find out what he's on about). 'Time equals Life. Therefore, waste your time and waste your life, or master your time and master your life.' Alan Lakein, time management guru 'Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?' The Matrix 'The idea of throwing away my depression, of having to create a whole way of living and being, of having to create a whole new personality that did not contain misery as its leitmotif was daunting. Now, with the help of a biochemical ...

A day of epiphanies followed by a day of regressing again to the original state. Exactly 20 days left in Angleterre. Shame, bloody shame. I have to gather up all my stuff and dump them once again into suitcases and I am absolutely pathetic at packing. I was trying to remember all my classmates throughout my schooling and, although my memory still serves me, I forget either their surnames or their names, but know their faces. It would be so cool to attend one of those reunion things - just to see what everyone ended up being. Such a nice way to conduct an MBTI testing orgy :) I don't like the way this country is turning into somewhere as far removed from Medieval England or even England from the 70s. They now want to put metal detectors in schools. How American is that? As horrendously Guardian-ish as this sounds, I keep on thinking 'What the hell is this country turning into?' There are just too many changes taking place all the time. I still don't know where to put my ...

18 January 2007 http://www.axlife.com/luscher/index.html 1. DESIRED OBJECTIVES OR BEHAVIOR DICTATED BY DESIRED OBJECTIVES. Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging. 2. THE EXISTING SITUATION OR BEHAVIOR APPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Trying to improve his position and prestige. Dissatisfied with his existing circumstances and considers some improvement essential to his self-esteem. 3. CHARACTERISTICS UNDER RESTRAINT OR BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Willing to participate and to allow himself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension. Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being. 4. REJECTED OR SUPPRESSED CHARACTERISTICS OR ANXIETY-LADEN CHARACTERISTICS. Stress arising from suppression of physical or sexual desires and insufficient consideration of bodily needs. Feels u...

These bloody dreams just won't let me sleep. I hate them because they make no bloody sense. So my flight has been booked for the second week of February. Just before he left today, my dad said, 'I am missing you already'. How I hate these ambiguities. These pushes and pulls. Isn't it just simpler to feel pure hatred rather than understanding or love and abhorrence? I am beginning to feel that I hate him so much because he is my shadow. An INFP's shadow is an ESTJ. So, rather than continuing to hate myself and become suicidal, rather than introjecting or whatever, I have turned to projection. So everything I hate about myself is embodied in my father. He said, 'I've failed, haven't I?' I said, 'No, you haven't. This is just how things are meant to be. How long did you expect me to live away from my mum?' Even though I can't see any sane woman wanting to get married to him, I really do hope he does get married. He needs someone. It brea...

She said, 'Well, Sukaina, you know that things happen for a reason.' He said, 'I can't live with you and I can't live without you.' Then he said, 'No, the earlier you leave, the better...I'll pay for the taxi.' And now he pinches my cheek and says, 'Matata wey'. I thought I wouldn't need to write another blog at least until after Imam's Ziyaarat majlis. I thought I'd be able to be less self-absorbed. Remember when I told you last year as we were walking up the path to Glendon, that I felt nothing. Last year, at least, I felt guilty about feeling nothing. Now I justify my nothingness. He also said, 'I'll be glad when you're gone. At least I can plan my cooking, my gardening.' I think I am going to retain my date of suicide. There won't be a police inquiry in a place like Karachi. Or, if I'm lucky enough, I'll be killed by a stray bullet or shrapnel from a suicide bomb and not be taken to task by God. I...

I hope I will have the great fortune of becoming his student InshaAllah. Dua e Nudbah In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Merciful Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. And blessings of Allah and peace be on our Chief Muhammad, His Prophet, and on his children. O my Allah! (All) praise is for Thee for that which Thou decided upon and resolved in the matter of Thy friends, whom Thou purified for Thyself and Thy religion. When wisdom and high rank from Thee, prostrated themselves in adoration before them (from the Bountiful Preserving Lord), for whom neither there was any decreased, nor dispersion thereafter, then Thou stipulated for them piety and righteousness. While they were in this mean and crooked world, free from its pomp, vanity and false enjoyments, Thy overreaching authority made known their identity; and equipped them with sincerity and perfection stood surety for them and communicated intimately with them, sent the news of their auspicious arrival in advance, and ...

I will begin this by saying that it's raining moderately heavily outside. I've always said to myself, since November, each day, that it would be murder for me to wake up at 6 or 7 to this cold, enveloping darkness if I had a 9 to 5 job. I've felt sorry for the milkman who drives his float up Templecombe every morning, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 7 but always in the cold, in the dark. I feel empathy towards the train driver who drives the train through South Merton station at 12:30 am and then at 4 and then at 5. And yet, I feel proud of them; that they hold dignified jobs and work hard to earn their living. Especially the milk float man. I hope I am able to wake up one day to take a picture of the milk float. God knows, next time I'm here, they will have become obsolete. This is what I wrote to Umair yesterday: "Also, I'll have you know I don't make it a regular thing, beating up elderly, senile men. I'd tell you how it came to pass, but I'm just n...

I was so happy when I went into the corner shop and found them. After so many years. And I've eaten just about five and smartly decide to have a look at the ingredients. Beef gelatin. CRAP. I walked through my haunts and think I am homesick for childhood. The security in thinking that nothing could ever really go bad. I don't know. Walking to Monkleigh Road and seeing the sign across from the surgery reminded me that there used to be either a milk shop or a butcher shop there. It really is a small township, joined to Wimbledon township and Mitcham township and all the rest of it. And the sun was shining and it reminded me of spring. I won't even get to see spring here. I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is a fantasy, my vision of England. Of London. A fantasy that is fed by watching films like Billy Elliot and This is England. This is England is a really stunning and unmissable film. I am so glad that I watched it. The actors are just amazing, the editing is superb ...

I forgot that we have nightingales/turtledoves in Karachi. And grasshoppers. And cats. And ants. We have donkeys and cows (though I personally do not like cows or donkeys). And daal chawal. And mangos in the summer (though I'm not a huge fan of those, either). Trying to look for the positives after having watched the ShahRukh Khan film Swades which is actually a really good film and am glad I watched it. And that's saying a lot, because I absolutely detest him. And he almost won me over, but then he over-acted in the last half hour. It's just the way he does crying scenes. It's totally him acting out a character rather than us just seeing the character on the screen. But it was a really good film. If I was the partying type of filly, I'd have no problem going back to Karachi. There's the beach, the bowling alley, the snotty restaurants, the raves, the boozing. It's all there. And if I could ignore the poverty instead of being called a foreigner every time. A...

I'm already feeling anxious and I haven't even bought the ticket. I have made it more real by telling people. My stupid aunt. Why is she so stupid? Why? I don't want to talk to her about it, but then she already knows because my mum told S who told A. Fuck them all. Nothing at all is sacred. And then she has the gall to tell me 'don't tell your dad' about something. I said, why the hell would I tell him anything? And she says, 'because you tell him everything.' What the fuck? Why the fuck is she projecting her stupid shadow on me? I said, ' what do you mean, I tell him everything?' She's like, well you have a joint bank account and he knows how much money you have. And when I told you to be careful, you said 'what? Are you saying I shouldn't trust my father?' See what I have to deal with? How the hell is that telling him anything/everything? He's my fucking father. The food he cooks is the food that enters my stomach. The food...

I'm just waiting for my mum to ring me to let me know when I am supposed to go back to the Land of the Dead, City of Psychos. At least I'll fit in there. My dad is really angry with me and saying that I have burned my boats and should treat my family better than my friends, because friends come and go. Don't I know that? I knew that since age 12. Which is why they are so dispensable to me now. But that still doesn't mean that I can...oh fuck it...I don't want to make nicey -nice with him because of some stupid thing inside of me that keeps screaming 'I've got to hurt him; I can't let him hurt me again. I can't let anyone hurt me ever again. So I don't mind hurting them, as long as I remain unscathed.' OK. Looks like I am leaving for Karachi next month. And don't know how long I will be staying there. It's a single ticket, after all. I've definitely burnt my boat this time. But Allah est le Haafiz . I love You and Trust You. You...

Rain Man is the only film of Tom Cruise's I like except for Top Gun and The Last Samurai. And maybe The Outsiders, but I will need to watch it again. Jerry Maguire wasn't bad, actually. But his early films had the rawness that the slick of the later films just can't match up to. No wonder Katie Holmes fell for him. He does have a killer smile, in spite of everything else I dislike about him. But come on, he was cute when he was younger. Erk . He's still 50 when you are 28. The baby is really cute though. I saw the fluffiest ginger cat in my life yesterday. Stupid arse got scared and ran away so I couldn't stroke it. I still feel like I am crap and that, after everything, I am going to compromise and get a dead-end job like teaching and I shall be a horrible teacher, the type that kids make voodoo dolls out of. And I don't even need to get into teacher's training in Karachi. And I shall have to dust and sweep the house each day and hang clothes out to dry an...

You really have forsaken me, haven't you? It's always me thinking about me. Well, congratulations . I am completely and utterly broken and am on the way to ruin my life even further. Congratulations . I have figured out how the world works and why You made it like this. For fun. To see us suffer. To see us fail. Thank You. Now see what I do.

She said, "Try to get rid of those Western values and come back to Eastern values. I don't know how things are in the West or why this is so common with people in the West (mental problems). Over here, people have real problems. Such problems that would shame you. Come out from inside of yourself. Upney sey baahar niklo." For a change, I just couldn't think. I said, "I'm going to hang up now. Take care of yourself." She said, "You know I love you." I said, "Yes." "The fourth type of introvert in the smallest minority group is the INFP , the Healer. Healers make up just 1% of men and 2% of women on the planet. Healers under stress can do things to excess, like the other types – eating, drinking and exercise. In addition they can become bossy and domineering and are capable of ignoring others’ feelings when under pressure. The worst kind of pressure for the INFP is to be in a situation where their ethics conflict with a rela...