Isle of Skye

الوداع Today is the 28th of Ramadhan. Christ. I have absolutely no assurety that He has forgiven me. I don't know if He will cure me sooner rather than later. But I still like Him. He's very nice. He loves me as well. One day I shall return the love. Feeling really down since yesterday. Not depressed down, but just deflated. The depression will come back, don't you worry about that. How can it not? He has willed it. I hope He gives me patience until I no longer suffer from it. Only He knows how long that will take. I have my period and am, therefore, in a seriously POd mood since yesterday. Obviously, there lacks a quality and even a purpose for this entry.

My black dog Barney returns... And for a while, it was comforting to feel like this again. Contentment being such an alien emotion for me. He wreaks havoc over my brain. My hands shake and my faith falters all over again. After having sworn to convert. He has taken over completely. My lines of communion are severed. I cannot see; I cannot hear, I cannot feel. Woe is me. Keeping Mum She cast aside the veil today to show me what hurts her mosts, what worries her most, what she fears the most. It's made me shake. I worry her the most. And that worries me the most. The reality is: I am failing miserably. All ways are shut. I'm stuck on a strange bed, making words out of letters and still making no sense. Reminder And Allah says, "But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. Allah knows while you do not know". Ides of September It's a crappy month, though don't ask me why. The good thing about fasting in Rama...

Multifaceted human My mum. God, all I want to do is put her in a box and make her a stable figure in my eyes. Reality is the opposite. She only opens up once in a while and, therefore, it's huge for me. "All I have to hold on to is my Montessori. And that's it." The despair is real enough. I can't really empathise because I'm a drifter. Drifting drifters, rebels without an aim Us drifters really annoy the hell out of all of the people who have pulled their shit together. We annoy, we are a source of revulsion, we are the Bogeymen of this busy, busy, spiralling, chaotic, butterfly effect world. I justify my drifting now, today, as part of my depression because to call it what it might also be - laziness and stupidity - is to accept that I am failing and that I am comfortable with it. كوٴي كام كر رهي هو "Koi job kar rahi ho?" "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "How about teaching? I have friends who can get you a job." ...

Thoughts A 99er costs one pound fifty now. There's no fun in making daisy chains anymore. I avoid bakeries because they are too expensive. Heaven is in a 39p European chocolate bar. Reality It's the 6th of Ramadhan today; I'm already tired. Of course, not doing nothing helps that as well. I went to my shrink last week, and the things she says always makes sense inside of her room, but once I am home, I feel as helpless as before. At least she changed my medication, though it's just a hit 'n miss. I was going through a list of my favourite movies: there are so many US films but none are black films. And very few foreign films from France, Canada or somewhere like Iran or Palestine. I need to broaden my viewing even further. Although the French films that I have seen are rubbish and I regret watching them for the sake of culture. France = culture? BS. I'm still trying to watch films which have no or minimal sex in them. And I don't feel bad about it; many more...

Then said a rich man, 'Speak to us of Giving.' And he answered: You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow? And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city? And what is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable? There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome. And there are those who have little and give it all.These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty. There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward. And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism. And there are those who give ...