Isle of Skye

Unfinished conversations,                  half-baked plans. A present given with so much thought and love that I could almost cry; had I any tears left. A year on and the promise that I thought I had made to life                 has petered out; it barely smoulders. Such are the vicious repetitive cycles of the life I choose for myself,                 unforgiving, mundane, a continuously dumping on myself, such is the blank Love is so much harder to come by,                and once again, the unspoken questions stain my lips Is this it? Is this all? How is it that the things that people hold dear, I feel nothing for? Surely I didn't sign up for this lack of feeling, f...

Affirmation This year I will be the person I want to be.  I will make a difference in this world by my positive attitude.  I will be committed to my own self and my own self and spiritual development.  I will honour my word and speak my truth. My Sacred Energy “There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”  ~ Deepak Chopra Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. That is all I have to say.  Our relationship is not as equals at all.  Not like yours with her.  I know it's my own thoughts and feelings in the way. I'm the one making myself feel like this. Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to make do with feeling envious, jealous, and becoming a perfectly formed, but bitter, chrysalis-butterfly. With only four people who love her. Two of whom I know and appreciate. And ...

I tried really hard not to call myself names yesterday while writing in my journal. I did quite well, until the very end. I called myself a loser face. But, this too shall pass. I'm turning 27 years old in approximately six weeks time. Still in the same place I was a year, two years, three years, 6 years ago. It's literally unbelievable. I just can't believe it. I keep bursting into heartfelt tears. Usually while in the shower (well, hey, at least I'm showering daily). I need to find a way to have computer and Internet access for 16th March, Wednesday night for my clearing call. I can't afford to miss it. I can either ask Sameera or Aunty Aziza. Shame it's a weeknight, but I have no choice. I can't afford to miss it. What a loser. A whole week and my mood is the same, I'm doing the same things. Well, actually, not true. I'm crying a lot more. I'm feeling sad more often. I'm noting what I lack more frequently. I'm avoid...

That's how I feel these days. No other word describes it. Diffused. Who am I? Yes, yes, I know: I am. Any other label limits the self. Nonetheless. Am I a sinner? Am I still a submitter to Allah? Do I still trust in Him? Am I lover? Am I a hater? Am I going somewhere, or waffling about nowhere? Am I deluded? Am I protected? Will I find love? Will I love again? Will I ever love myself unconditionally? Do I make sense? Do I have the courage that's needed to continue, step after step? Doing the Wimbledon route again this weekend showed me: I really do want affluence. I was observing people coming back from their holidays, or from cycling, or shopping at the exclusive shops I only go in to look at what I can't afford to buy, driving their swanky cars and living in their lovely houses. I tried acceptance. I did. Didn't work so much today. Felt small. Felt out of place, an intruder. And then, when I was taking a break in the mall, the guy sittin...

That is how much of my energy is solely mine: inside of me, in my aura, in my energy field. Just freaking eight per cent. That means 92 per cent is my parents, my religious upbringing, school and everyone else's. Sigh. Other people raised their vibrations to 40 and 50 per cent after doing the releasing exercises. Pas moi. I went to an introductory evening for Art Giser's Energetic NLP work last Thursday (that where we did all the kooky, visualisation stuff - I'll post it on my O Healer blog soon). It was fruitful. I felt that I had finally stepped into the world I was born to be part of, into the way of living that is attuned to mine: that I had finally "arrived". I was where I belonged. I made sense. I was on the right path. Finally. It was a full moon night as well, which I love! I couldn't have planned it better, to be honest. Lots of stuff happened, I learnt quite a bit: some of which I don't think I should have learned - only because it i...

Why so low? Why so dejected? Why so sad? It's been three weeks since this sadness has hijacked you and you're still like this. There are moments, many of them, when you can laugh and feel free. But then you revert. I cry in the shower; I cry while listening to du'a; I cry when I see how different my life is to how I would like it to be; I cry when I realise I still haven't done a thing toward getting a job; I cry when I see my loneliness; I cry when I see the pieces of my jigsaw self strewn all over the carpet and I have no energy to pick them up and piece them together. Again. And I still cry when I think of him. And then I cry more because he never liked me. And is obviously not being tormented by memories, the way I still am. Mind you, I do realise that I create my own suffering. I'm the masochistic dominatrix, remember? But it doesn't help with Valentine's Day being stuffed down my throat. Gag me with a spoon, please. And stupid things keep h...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

I've just deactivated Facebook. This low mood just prevails. So, what have I done today? One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though). Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.). Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger. It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts. Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next ...

Maybe ten minutes of a stream of consciousness on the blog will help me get out of the funk I've been in the whole day. A low mood. I walked for 40 minutes, that didn't help. I sat in the library among other people; that didn't help. I even bumped into Carra and Amanda. Talked. That didn't help. I mean it did; but only sporadically. I guess it's good that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard, hard place. It means God will have to move mountains for me to be able to get un-stuck. Oh well. I made the most of last week's good feelings and karma. I really need a session with Sidra. Am just not getting it. Mind is a funk. I'll tap the SAD out of my system. There's something very interesting I am reading right now. Not all of our anger is ours. Especially women. If we have men in our lives who repress their emotions, their anger, their fears, their grief, their insecurities: it can pass on to us as energy in our auras and we feel irrational emotio...

I feel as though I should write a post. So here it is. Weekend was sleepy. Most of the week was sleepy. I've been kicked off welfare. I can contest the decision, but that would mean more stress. Oh, I don't know. When I read my numerology report, it makes me wish all of the good things would actually happen on the days it says they will happen. Especially when they say that romance and love are strong, someone admires you, you will meet someone new and important, good for career and work, misunderstandings are cleared up. I'd say it's about 17% accurate. Which is pretty crappy. I love my friends, by the way. All of them. The ones who call me and say "I don't want it to be a week without having either spoken to you or emailed you." My God. That touched the bottom of my heart, tickled it and sent ripples of love and joy throughout my entire being. Then, yesterday, Umair was online, so we were sending emails back and forth. About random stuff. And Arm...

On a high yesterday, crashing today. I hate colds. They suck the living out of a person. I shall set my intentions for this week. "I am willing to let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me." Ignore and forget about Facebook until the 23rd of January 2010 i.e. 8 days from today. I can do it! Take that one course I will take. Yoga and meditation daily (starts tonight) Moon meditation at the full moon - this Wednesday. Will freeze my ass off, but must be done. Buy papers for my mandalas. Dance and sing daily. Walk daily. Eat raw as much as possible. Let go of chocolates and biscuits and crisps. Love celery and carrots! And eat less than I crave. Distract myself each time I think about Irish and his psycho girlfriend. Pray to Allah for forgetfulness and indifference. I have to be honest to at least myself: I'm romanticising everything, even after reading He's Just Not T...

I read the message on Tuesday and I still don't know what to say in reply. Because I don't know what he means. Or how I FEEL. I am SCARED and SCARRED. And my intuition is in the crapper today. Allah, help me for the sake of your Chosen 5. It's Thursday, it's Eid e Mubahila etc etc. HELP ME!

Ha! Typical! From: Tazeen Mohsin To: Sukaina Juma Sent: Sat, 18 September, 2010 18:19:37 Subject: This email interests you more :P "Ok here goes what I meant by slowing down: I'm really happy for the fact that you are experiencing all these wonderful feelings and even being Bridget Jones and the best thing is that he really is into you! Feel free to discard whatever doesn't make sense. Draw up a few boundaries, from your side and his. While its good to be talking about your feelings, letting him know how you feel about him, take time to develop that trust level especially with such intimate feelings. Let him earn your respect and honesty and to a degree even sacrifice. Rather than aiming for a partnership and thinking why and why not, concentrate on being friends and if things start to open up, you would know where they are heading. You talked about emptiness. That part just concerned me. You just sound like my own story. If you enter a relationship feeling ...

Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 13 th — Remember that your cognitive error is to identify with your changing feelings and emotional states, especially negative ones. Since your feelings constantly change, your identity does as well, undermining many of your psychological needs. Notice this tendency in your thinking today. ( Understanding the Enneagram , 91) What do I feel, then? Flat. Numb. Non-existent. There have been emails exchanged between myself and Imran that I don't want to post up - they are too personal. Wow, Sukaina actually knows what privacy means again! In a nutshell, he asked me what I meant by us having a connection. I told him "It means what it says on the tin." (yes, very witty). So then he wrote - Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger ... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s t...

Suki, now you can truly grieve and gain closure - c'est finis!!! Try to smile through your tears, ok? It was never going to happen. You're still too screwed up. You have so many other important things to do with your life than meet someone, marry, have sex..... ewwwwww gross! It was too Khoja a set-up anyway. You didn't even have the guts to meet him. Little girl. Little delusional girl. Well, at least this brought Sidra and EFT into your life. And clarity and God's support about your life purpose. And you were happy for a little while. Be kind to yourself and stay away from the junk food shit. Please. And away from traffic - that's easy enough: I'm at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today 14:55 :P "even if you cannot be nice"? How much of a domantrix do you imagine me to be? argh 14:55 a very big one! lol 14:55 replace with meanie 14:55 lol Inshallah i'll remember that one how are you? 14:56 Well, I can say the same about you :P 14:56 lol :) seriousl...

"Now for the serious part. Suki, you're very hurt inside and somehow you feel rationalizing it by your logic is going to heal it. What i mean to say is, somewhere (not just about Imran) you know you're hurting but thats on a superficial level. You don't go in to explore where your pain is because you're scared to see it. You're wounded and you look at your wound but you don't know how deep it is that's why you don't know how to help it heal. You relate your entire life to people, like you're hurt or depressed but somehow I feel you're actually disconnected with it and that's on a logical level. You're identifying too much with your story rather than the feelings involved. Why i told you in one of the emails to write yourself as a character was that you may see it as a 3rd person. Drop the story Suki, explore your feelings. Don't say what depression is like. Feel it inside your body what it feels like. You'll feel the raw sens...

I've envisioned myself being run over by a car or a bus three times already today. All in one day. I need help. Should I make a GP appointment tmrw? What fucking use will they be? Shall I call Samaritans? I don't know...... it's all coming back, all of it. Mostly it's the SAD, but the fucking stress doesn't help either....

Even if this is all bollocks, I've always gained wise insights from reading them. Smart people, these Taoists :) The good news is I've done my ironing and will study and go for a run and stuff today iA. Now if I could just find my pink pen to write Taz's birthday card. And my organiser so I can organise my week. Argh. Was fun being on the Time to Change website yesterday and contributing my experiences and wisdom to people :) Peace and healing to All and One xx Today's I Ching for Sukaina Juma The present is embodied in Hexagram 44 - Kou (Coming to Meet) : We see a female who is bold and strong. It will not be good to marry such a female. The second line, undivided, shows its subject with a wallet of fish. There will be no error. But it will not be well to let the subject of the first line go forward to the guests. The fourth line, undivided, shows its subject with his wallet, but no fish in it. This will give rise to evil. The situation is shifting,...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title.... I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?" Why indeed? I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :( So here's the stuff since Monday: I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word c...