Isle of Skye

I really wish I wasn't thinking on this spiel. I've been thinking about how I am so old and how my life is wasting away. Not sure where I read this, oh yeah, it was in an encyclopaedia that a customer bought today from Oxfam. Is your life how you wanted to be? The answer is no. But then, when has it been? I am in a way better place than a year ago. I'm in London, I'm working (granted it's Oxfam and unpaid) but I get to help the third world. Oh, that's a cop out. It's been 5 months but I'm no longer a shell of a person. My ego is back. My voice is back. My backbone is back. I'm reading again. And it's so effortless. It's... wordless. Sally Brampton has taken all the words from me and made her book- what the heck do I have left? The book should be on the prescription list -well, I dunno. Not for those who are really depressed. I've been feeling so dissatisfied about working there. I need to find work that leads towards what I am...

Debbie Ford Recall a time when you were passionate about a cause, put forth your best effort, and aspired to excellence. What commitment will you need to make today in order to bring forth this degree of excellence in every area of your life? God knows. The Gratitude Experiment Today (and this weekend) notice how you feel when someone expresses gratitude for you. Do you brush it off with a "Oh, it was nothing." Or do you take it in, allowing it to feel good inside, thereby giving that person the acknowledgment that their gratitude was appreciated? Just notice what you do. I hope someone does express their gratitude for me this weekend. Argh. Bad moments.

Argh . I've been one of them, I still am - because obviously my family pushes all those trigger points. I always find my father extremely threatening, my aunt extremely intrusive and self centred and the list goes on but the funny and extremely scary thing is how little they self reflect . They just do not SEE what I see of their blindness. Now of course Jung would say that they are in me and yes, obviously, I have done the same kind of things and thought in the same manner as they have - BUT I am awakening and although still p'd off that's it's taken this long and so many chunks of my life to get here , I am slowly progressing. Some of the people I meet are out of mere circonstance rather than happenstance. They are guarded and so emotionally stunted and, again, so much more selfish that it really p's me off. Highly. I know that very few people have the levels of empathy I do, and can sustain it in a genuine manner rather than out of duty or out of guilt ...

This week was alright, yesterday was pretty lovely - went to "The" Regent's Park and got lost on the way to the mosque, thankfully left before they started praying and got lost on the way back, went all the way to triyoga to leave a message and came home after 4:30pm so paid the extra peak time fare. I had envisioned today to be slightly more bearable, but it's ended with me having a nasty taste in my mouth and me not wanting to fast tomorrow. I hate most of the roles I find myself playing these days: having to cope with/yield to how other people perceive the world and their or my place in it. It's so much easier to just top oneself off and get it over with; not having to deal with uncertainties like health, money, fucking jobs, people, poverty, do I want to marry? a man or a woman? (joking, women are irritating), how much food will I have to inhale before I feel loved? do I want friends ? do I want to settle for people who are nice and friendly but ...

I received one phone call and it's making me feel so uneasy. I haven't a clue why though. She seems so fake; how come I never picked up on it before? Perhaps because I, myself, was a complete fraud. Am, well not extremely, but am thinking how fucking typical of my so called relatives to not think of me when I specifically told them to tell me when Ali was there. I mean, how fucking difficult is it? Not very. Twats. Why do people get their fucking panties in a twist when I ask them about Gift Aid? They're just so fucking rude. Hasn't anyone taught you how to say 'no' with grace and with respect of the other person? 'Ooh, she's asking me for more money. Run for the hills. My money is my life. I can't survive without it.' TWATS. I'm not stealing money from you, HR Revenue and Customs is willingly giving it to us from your fucking tax which is automatically taken from you each April. The fucking twats. I better get some extra good karma for h...

Je dois écrire . L'ironie est que quand j'avais le temps, je na'i pu pas fair rien . Doesn't matter, I have to write. I keep listening to poets like Keane and Travis and Darren Hayes and I'm here, with the creativity finally bursting forth again, and what's more, the joie de vivre bursting through and I'm not writing and I'm not taking pictures and I'm doing bloody cashier work at Oxfam. I am a swan, I am a seagull that glides and glides. I am the tree, the squirrel. Words are all I have to make myself different from you lot. To make myself lighter, somewhat more worthy. How low is my self esteem that I still believe those falsehoods. I just cannot find people on my wave length. It means I never shall. Or I do and because of my skin colour or because I am behind the Oxfam counter, or because I am in Morden, or London, or the UK, I shall never know. An opera singer. A person who wants to wear kurtis but is scared of going into a desi shop i...

My Life is a Mirror The people in my life are really mirrors of me. This affords me the opportunity to grow and change. Which is probably why I have so many twats in my life.

Today's been a lazy day apart from cooking chilli con carne - which I can't taste. How funny is it, to have a binge eating compulsion and being unable to taste the food. Perhaps this is why I binge eat, at least partially.