Isle of Skye

Sukaina finally texted Imran back. What she wanted to text was: (will add later, too long) What she actually texted was: Saturday, 30 October 2:53 pm "Salaam, Imran! I'm well, thanks. Hope you're having a good weekend. Nice day for football, I'm watching three simultaneous matches at the park. They're good! Sukaina" Sunday, 31 October 07:25 am "Salaam suki cool sounds fun! ;) I would've joined, but I'm MIA. I've missed your emails! Surprised? Me too... Well call you to chat, particular time? Ws, imran." This is way too filmi for my liking. Agh. The burn has reactivated in my tummy and heart again! (And my groin). But, I can't help smiling and chuckling at the inanity of the situation. I honestly cannot believe this! WTF??? Umair, who is a five year-old, told me we're acting like twelve year-olds. I was a very mature twelve-year old. I was! :p Off to Wimbleydon to finally finish the khatichar forms madness. Never do this again! E...

I've been so angry for the past day. Received a text on Thursday, but because my phone was off, didn't see it till 8:30 am on Friday. "Salaaammmm suki, how are you? how is life treating you? We haven't spoken in ages. Speak soon! Immy!" I mentioned that he caught me on FB chat on Monday. Well, I was eating lunch downstairs and he said Salaam Sukaina How are you? Then went offline like a wanker. I FB messaged him back. He came online again and we talked for 2.5 hours. As "friends". I might post the chat on at a later time. He thinks I'm a fucking yo-yo. This is him treating me like a little doggie-bitch. WTF? Why have I attracted such a wanker into my life???? Am I this bad? Is my Shadow really, really, really this bad? Burn, burn, burn. Heart and tummy and heart. SMOULDERS. And I haven't a clue what to do about this. How to answer. I wrote a long text, lambasting him nicely. Thankfully, Providence has made it such t...

I just got fed up of keeping on checking to see if someone was online to talk. Am feeling suicidal. Want to throw myself into traffic each time I'm stopped at a red man. Will be talking to someone from the NHS tomorrow. I'm so fucking delusional. Qq c'est le point? "Psychology without spirituality is arid and ultimately meaningless, while spirituality without grounding in psychological work leads to vanity and illusions." Anyway. Hating myself right about now. Have to go to Wimbledon for more knocking on doors. Fuck. Hating myself for letting myself be so open with a person I didn't know. Whom I thought I knew. But obviously I don't. Why? Why? Why put myself through this? Why be so flipping female? Just end it. Please. Attention seeker. Loser 4w5 INFP. That's all you can see.

What should I write today? Something amazing... Oh, the ruddy speakers on the PC have finally broken. No music. Gah - well, the radio's on so most of the time it's crappy music. Kiss FM, pas mal. Should switch to Absolute Radio. OMG - just switched to Radio Jackie, and Blue's One Love is on - don't really like that one - like Only Words I Know. So tired. Was propositioned yesterday, the middle aged English man invited me up "for a cup of tea" - never thought that would happen to me. He wasn't creepy, was quite nice: it was possibly only creepy because he was so old. Was nice looking enough, but, no. Now if that young and delectable French, or the Irish or the Danish guy had invited me in.... oooh, la la! ;) God, I need to get married. It's become wajib on me all over again. The 5-6 years in purgatory hell were a welcome respite, as far as sexual urges were concerned. Or, rather, intimacy urges. I'm not in it for just sex. I'm in it for th...

... is why I thought it was OK to forsake his privacy and mine. I knew I was asking for help and advice. One person, two - maximum five. But every single ruddy person I have spoken to the past seven weeks, KNOWS his name and the gist of things. I hope he never finds out. It would be extremely hard to forgive. He'd probably do it, but not realise that I thought of it as my stuff, not his. Because I'm self absorbed like that. And I trust all of the people I told. Doesn't matter. Game over. I don't measure up to Mother Dearest! God, I wonder if I'll have the guts to tell him about his mother complex... lol . I thought it was only Paki -men, but apparently Khoja (or so adamant they aren't Khoja -like, but are) men are also prey to it. Not that I blame him. His mother seems like a really nice mother. And she's all any of the kids have had for 10+ years. God, I still, somehow, want to know about his family life. How sad am I? VERY. Sukaina , you've really, ...

T'day 2:08pm Salaam Sukaina How are you? 2:10pm  Imran has gone ashore. Trust him to come online when I'm downstairs stuffing my face with a paratha... in self pity! Come back. Just as a friend, I might be ready to forgive. Agh... Whatever. I am done playing your games. Doesn't even bother to wait more than two bloody minutes. Wanker! Oh, also, English (Pirate) translation in FB is hilarious! Me likey! :)

Imran Lakha is convinced about an hour ago via Facebook for BlackBerry About what, dear boy? God, just reading that and I miss you. You're online and I can't even talk to you. I MISS YOU, IDIOT!!! Aaaaaargh...... meanie. Really mean, thou art. I hate being in love. It sucks.

http://www.cafeastrology.com/2010arieslovehoroscope.html As mentioned above, those of you born early in the sign of Aries are getting a taste this summer of some big personal changes to come. These changes will affect all Aries at some point, because both Jupiter and Uranus enter Aries this summer, before retreating back into Pisces for some months. They will both re-enter Aries in 2011. Uranus will stay in the sign for many years to come, and Jupiter will stay in Aries for much of 2011. Both Jupiter and Uranus are freedom planets. Both challenge us to break free from the ordinary, and to mix up our routines a little (or a lot in the case of Uranus!). Uranus can push you right out of your comfort zones, as it is a planet that is far from subtle. At the same time, you are dealing with a Pluto square that forces you to come face to face with your fears and allows you to tap into your darker side in the process. Pluto is also asking you if your career path represents you on a...

So, what the hell was the point? Kya thha yaar? I've alienated everyone. I want so much to be liked and adored. Ugh. The depression was a strait-jacket I put upon myself to stop feeling and to stop living because, frankly, my dear, I cannot stand the pain. I'm bloody Scarlett O'Hara. I'm bloody Anne of Green Gables and Scarlett O'Hara and Princess Di and... Just me. Let it Slide.....

4:14 pm, 18/10/10 Imran Lakha Hmm ... I was walking towards Stanmore Country Park when I got this. I laughed a lot. I was going to reply saying, Interesting. In a way, I wish I had done that, save a lot of drama. 10:59pm, 18/10/10 Suki isn't amused with Imran's literal take on a text a day. He receives a penalty ;) He owes her an email explaining why he feels he's being messed about :( Ws . 12:03 am, 19/10/10 Sukaina , do you know what they say about the Irish? If you don't, they say they are impervious to therapy - consider me among them in that capacity. As for sharing feelings, truly you have mistook me. Lastly, I respect your constant requirement for dialogue, I truly appreciate it. But I would rather we not continue it any further. I wish you all the best and Inshallah you will find a man who fits your needs. Ws , Imran . As much as I hate to admit, my intuition is completely shot. I really thought he was my Travis. Another thing, istekharas have a lot of...

I'll post all the texts later on. I haven't even bothered to reply to him. I WILL not reply to him. Until I know what I'm going to say to smooth it over. Fucking idiot. Twat. Lafunga . Badtameez . Connard . Confused little man-boy. Keep running. Don't commit, ruddy Sagittarian male. WTF ??? I don't even know if I love you anymore. TWAT. I'm going to start flirting with my JobCentre Disability Employment Advisor Vimal . He's a hot Indian guy who'd got a BA in Psychology and has been a teacher, a recruiter and is going to take up yoga. It was pure animal lust and I keep putting my sapphire ring on my left hand ring finger to remind me of you, Imran , whenever I am physically attracted to all the man-boys I cross in the street or talk to or meet i.e. Vimal . But I'm an Aries. You cross me and I will go looking elsewhere. I need love and attention. There are loads of good looking Shia boys around, my day yesterday at the Ahlul Bayt So...

The present is embodied in Hexagram 25 - Wu Wang (The Unexpected) : Great progress and success is indicated, while there will be advantage in being firm and correct. If he or his action be not correct, he will fall into errors, and it will not be advantageous for him to move in any direction. There are no changing lines, and hence the situation is expected to remain the same in the immediate future. The things most apparent , those above and in front, are embodied by the upper trigram Chi'en ( Heaven ) , which represents strength and creativity. The things least apparent , those below and behind, are embodied by the lower trigram Chen ( Thunder ) , which represents movement, initiative, and action.

I am changing the title of my blog. It's too negative. :p

I managed to forget him for an hour. That's good. I forced my cousin Abbas to chat with me this afternoon and he said that if I guy asked you to meet his family, then he was really serious. Imran was serious. And I was not ready. At all. I felt so scared in my heart when he asked me.... like it would fly away from my chest. Again with the breathlessness. I can't afford to fail this course because of a BOY. ARGH. And how is calling you a boy an insult? I call myself a kid, a girl all the time..... OK, I am crying now. Pride is stopping me from emailing him and saying I miss him. I can't deal with the stress, the pressure of him wanting to meet me.... he's too sure, too soon. Or I don't know. Too blasé. And, anyway: he didn't call me, even when we were on good terms. Adieu... It will take time....be kind to yourself, Suki. Be kind and be willing to forgive yourself, Imran and then God.... :((

She told me yesterday, after I bored her for an hour with my sob story: she never had to call any of the guys she was looking to get married to. They always called her. She only rang one of them once! So, I wasn't really expecting too much, was I? So, guess what I've finally done? I deleted all of his email addresses from my address book. Should have done that before I sent him that email about my mother's operation. But I know he will pray for her, even if it's for a split second. Mo'min hai, dua toh kaam aayega... Sigh... I'd already deleted his phone number from my phone last Sunday after he dumped me. I can feel his disgust and hatred for me... or rather it's my own, but I'm projecting it again so I can survive today and my class work and doctor's appointment at 4pm. I knew he was wrong for me; and consequently, I was wrong for him. Always wanting to change everything about him... and just jumping in. But I was saying Yes to the Universe. And th...

*sigh* Even my mother's impending operation on Tuesday, or my bloody teaching exam tomorrow... they just don't detract or distract me from thinking of the You I had conjured up in my mind. The "good" me I could have been, but went for snarky and witty and pokey pokey . Grumpy Care Bear... Well, as Marilyn Monroe has said "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best..." But I sorely miss you. I miss you. Dammit, boy, I miss you..... The heart, I feel it. What does it feel like? A little heavy. This whole morning I was in Fuck Him mode.... and I'm Free to be as crazy as I like mode.... But I keep looking online for you..... and..... I was so sure we had a connection and that you would be able to see out of your arse to understand that I needed TIME. To be sure about my own feelings. Because I know what a crush feels like. But I haven't a clue what love is, or how Sukaina feels when she's in love. And I kept on thi...

"Now for the serious part. Suki, you're very hurt inside and somehow you feel rationalizing it by your logic is going to heal it. What i mean to say is, somewhere (not just about Imran) you know you're hurting but thats on a superficial level. You don't go in to explore where your pain is because you're scared to see it. You're wounded and you look at your wound but you don't know how deep it is that's why you don't know how to help it heal. You relate your entire life to people, like you're hurt or depressed but somehow I feel you're actually disconnected with it and that's on a logical level. You're identifying too much with your story rather than the feelings involved. Why i told you in one of the emails to write yourself as a character was that you may see it as a 3rd person. Drop the story Suki, explore your feelings. Don't say what depression is like. Feel it inside your body what it feels like. You'll feel the raw sens...

OK, the lady at the library - I'm going to get her name somehow, she ought to be sacked. TWAT. I will not let her treat me like the way she just did and get away with it again., She did it to me three years ago, she is NOT doing it to me again today. Fucking retard. Stop wearing that bloody corset and those fucking high heels and maybe you'll gain some humanity. Tarzan keeps asking me how I feel in my body. Right now, I feel a burning pain. In my neck, waves and waves of burning pain. And whenever I've written him the texts or the emails "letting him go", my left arm starts with the mercury type of feeling sweeping inside. I feel rotten for treating him like I have treated him. Poke, poke, poke. Punch, punch, punch. And all I want is to merge. But is he just convenient? I don't know if I like HIM for being HIM. It's an IMAGE, Sukaina , an IMAGE. A projection. Argh . I cannot let myself do that because I feel that I know it's too good to be true, that I...