Isle of Skye

Away with the Fairies.... I'm writing because what else is there to do for someone like me? As usual, wasting yet another day in my life. Technically, I had intended to donate blood today. But, just like all the other times when blood donation came up, I've got a cold like thing, so my blood won't be helpful. Perfect. I keep waking late, at 8am - or even 9am I was looking up the synopsis of Rockstar - I didn't want to waste my time watching a movie that's crap. The songs are amazing. So the synopsis made me laugh. Sardonically.   Rockstar Movie Synopsis | Story of the Movie Rockstar 2011 The story follows Janardhan Jakhar (Ranbir Kapoor) an uncouth, social nobody in college in Delhi. A good-for-nothing, uncooperative son at home. And a struggling-musician-with-little-hope to his friends and acquaintances... But Janardhan wants to change all that. So when a well wisher discloses the secret behind all great success: that you have t...

I'm going to see if the poem comes out; if it doesn't that's okay My quest for recognition through the other blog has begun to leave a sour taste in my mouth Especially after yesterday's blog I guess I can take a break, if I'm meant to get a job or fame on that basis, there's enough on it for now - but it really wasn't a quest, not all of it, some of it just came out and had to be published *sigh* why do I sound like a freak when I say these things? I've lost it, yesterday I completely lost it and I really dislike that hysterical person, that shadow, the not in control childish, bothered by everything person - why? Because she is the reason why people run away - she is the shadow of who I was last year, she's the saddo who still remembers dates and then repeats them to dear yet abused friends on the phone (yes, Ash, you!) or writes them on the blog Do you wanna know today's date? The text he sent me saying he missed speaking to me and w...

I am so in love with this cheesy love song, it's SAD! His voice is really beautiful, though: like satin :) Although, Ali Khan needs to change the lyrics to Koi Dhung Ka Aye Na. Kazam (stalker boy from SimplyShia website) added me on Skype again last night. I spoke to him without adding him and he said he's been missing me blah blah. How I wish I could tell him he's only attracted to my high vibration and not to me - he obviously is in need of healing. Because honestyl folks, there are women a lot hotter and thinner and willing to get married to him than I am, so why can't he fantasize about them? I actually went as far as telling him that I'm changing my religion. And then, this silly boy added me on Fb and he's odd. And skanky. No judgements, but I'd rather not have a guy on my list who comments Yummy Mummy on women on his list who put provocative photos up and has not a single photo on his facebook profile and doesn't even say why he's ad...

    I am with you, giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your Divine Life purpose. Archangel Michael I have come to you because you asked the Universe for safety and protection, and because you asked about your life purpose. Since you are a lightworker, I am overseeing the fruition of your Divine life purpose. You have been a lightworker for a long time, and you have felt different from others, isolated at times. Be assured that you have never been alone, and that you never will be alone. When you feel pushed to make a change at work or at home, that may be my influence, encouraging you to make your life's purpose a high priority. I can rearrange your schedule and support you in other ways to make your path smooth and harmonious. Simply ask me, and it is done. I will also help you feel safe and comfortable during your life's changes. ~~~ Amen. Amen. Amen. Help me with that which I don't know to want. I just don...

"Life is a long lesson in humility" ~ J.M. Barrie I can't even find the words, because they all sound empty. I am disappointed with myself. For remaining human. For fumbling, for still being blind and still looking to others to make me feel good (or bad) inside. For still holding envy, arrogance, competitiveness, jealousy, neediness... For still wanting a life partner. Why should I? Am I not good enough as I am now? Who gives an EFF if he's "ahead" of me, holding his hand backwards towards me, to help me up (I didn't see it, soemone else did - and that's only her interpretation)? If my connection with Allah, my angels, spirit guides, prophets and Imams aren't there - then there's no point in focussing on anybody else, is there? He's not here now, he wasn't there my entire life, was he? Whoever Travis is. I'm still alone. I'm still trying to let go of Imran completely. I still have to make my own life. I'...

One can hope. And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind? Do I really treat other people like that? Of course. And I am sorry. I don't know why I still do it. I'm trying so very, very hard. So hard, I am. So hard. And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people. I don't want to do that. I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons? I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense th...

Everywhere. It's destruction. It's the breaking of things, to make way for the new and better ways. It fucking hurts. How much pain can I see all my friends in? My family? Myself.... the world? I feel as though my hands have been chopped off and I'm bleeding on the battered, shattered victims of life. I'm collapsing on their broken backs. I cannot do a thing at present. For myself. For others. All I was, I am no longer. The world at my feet and.... I am NOT giving up hope ever again. ~~~ Dear God, Allah, YWH... I am writing my big list. It's huge. These are all the people, things, events, relationships that need healing. I've tried, but I can barely send myself healing. And so, today, I leave it all up to You. Every single problem, I send to You. That's it. You're in charge today. Sukaina Juma Tazeen Mohsin Imran Ali Gul Sidra Zaidi Mum Farhat Rawji-Kara Fatima Datardina-Moledina Hussein Ali Moledina Murtaza Moledina Fatema Ismail Ale...

The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year... It's just shown me things don't come easily. Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam. Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break. Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly. I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction. I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back. I want my faith in my deen Islam back. But that's what I want. Only You know what I need. It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children. Why? I'm...

I had stopped thinking about him, I had reached some sort of finality. Closure was upon me. Then it is the 9th of Muharram, and I start re-reading the emails we sent each other. I am a masochist, I chose the one he wrote about the girl who was obviously one of his soul mates and so he felt he had lost someone and was to "never to forget the past" etc. I then think of him on Ashura, of all the days, while at the mosque: first, I wonder where he's doing his commemoration (at Stanmore?) and secondly, I want to go to Iraq this year (he said he would take me, not seriously of course, he never was serious). And then I think, I'll email him and tell him when I go. And get him a nice ring, a small, classy one, not like the big-ass one he currently wears. No matter what my dearest best friend says about him and I not meaning to be life partners and spouses, and that I didn't really want the relationship to work out, that it was my experimenting and experiencing life...

This is what I finally wrote yesterday, 3 minutes before the library computer shut down :p "Hmm... interesting. Thanks for the compliment :) Two days and I still don't have a reply. Argh. I write my stuff in pages and you shut me up in two sentences. Argh. :p So, instead, I shall wish you Eid Mubarak for Eid e Mubahila, belated Eid Mubarak for Eid e Ghadir and... obviously, a belated Happy Birthday. 27 years old. Hmm... lol. It's also two weeks today since your cousin died. How's your aunt coping? His wife? And you? And your family? Email me. Don't like the formatting here." I checked an hour ago - he's read it. No email from him. Hence I cried a little just now. Does it really have to be this confusing and lame-assed? Also, what the heck do you want, Sukaina? What is it that you want? God. Help me. Please. I need some kind of resolution. If it's high hopes, illusion and imagination and fantasy, TELL ME! If he's the real deal and al...

I read the message on Tuesday and I still don't know what to say in reply. Because I don't know what he means. Or how I FEEL. I am SCARED and SCARRED. And my intuition is in the crapper today. Allah, help me for the sake of your Chosen 5. It's Thursday, it's Eid e Mubahila etc etc. HELP ME!

How can he not know how I felt/feel? (still confused)... I told him after three freaking weeks! I guess it must be because of something interesting I read today in Imran's horoscope for tomorrow: "Because women are so often the targets of one's unconscious projections (no matter whether you are male or female) , this influence is often associated with arguments with women. However, anyone who activates an unconscious belief or thought pattern will be a source of difficulty for you at this time. " From: Sukaina Juma To: Imran Lakha Sent: Tue, 7 September, 2010 20:31:38 Subject: The promised email If you're the type of person who prefers to rip off the Elastoplast in one go to get it over with, read this now. If you want to wait till you can think properly, read this whenever that time is. Just let me know which it is you've done. ~~~ Dear Imran, Salaam. I've been agonising the entire day about how to write this (well, during ...

Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 13 th — Remember that your cognitive error is to identify with your changing feelings and emotional states, especially negative ones. Since your feelings constantly change, your identity does as well, undermining many of your psychological needs. Notice this tendency in your thinking today. ( Understanding the Enneagram , 91) What do I feel, then? Flat. Numb. Non-existent. There have been emails exchanged between myself and Imran that I don't want to post up - they are too personal. Wow, Sukaina actually knows what privacy means again! In a nutshell, he asked me what I meant by us having a connection. I told him "It means what it says on the tin." (yes, very witty). So then he wrote - Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger ... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s t...

Personal Daily Horoscope of Tuesday, 9 November 2010 for Sukaina Juma, born 16 April 1984 Uncomfortable questions At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life. You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful. Healing your own soul You may now be confronted with your insecurities through en...