Isle of Skye

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

Je ne dois pas m'expliquer à personne. I don't have to bend over backwards so as to not offend. I can swear as much as I bloody well want to. I don't have my hands bound to my neck with chains, nor are my legs shackled to a wall inside a Khoja-run mosque. I don't have to initiate any more emails, online chat sessions, texts or phone calls. (Prank calls, my ass.) And I don't have to respond to them either, and eat up my pay-as-you-go credit. I don't have to bleed my heart and soul dry for an emotionally frigid piece of meat. I don't have to make up the perfect relationship in my head while completely rejecting and avoiding what was real because of my neuroses and fears and anger. I can satisfy my highly idealistic and romantic daydreams without touching reality (or a man) for a while longer.  I don't have to send you metta or reiki or take out your I Ching anymore. I can call and label you whatever I want: wanker, man-boy, mama's boy...

The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year... It's just shown me things don't come easily. Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam. Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break. Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly. I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction. I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back. I want my faith in my deen Islam back. But that's what I want. Only You know what I need. It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children. Why? I'm...

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?" I fear men (the male species) I hate men (the male species) I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained. I will not even begin lo...

I read the message on Tuesday and I still don't know what to say in reply. Because I don't know what he means. Or how I FEEL. I am SCARED and SCARRED. And my intuition is in the crapper today. Allah, help me for the sake of your Chosen 5. It's Thursday, it's Eid e Mubahila etc etc. HELP ME!

The short story transforms into a novella. Question is: will I allow it to become a novella, novel or epic saga? Is it meant to be? Are we up for it? I know I am not, not at the moment. Nouvelle chapitre: I made a decision on the night of his birthday, 28th November. No, I didn't wish him a Happy Birthday. Didn't want to, so didn't. It came from my Higher Self. Guiding me back on track. I deleted all his email addresses, took him off from Yahoo Messenger and blocked him from SimplyShia but then they hid all the messages he sent me, which isn't quite what I wanted. So I unblocked him so I could keep the lines of communication open - and refer to the imbecilic messages when I was bored or wallowing. Good my intuition/God guided me to do that. After what has transpired this morning. I also deleted him from FB at around 9 AM yesterday - a-ha, you didn't think I'd be able to do that, now did you? SURPRISEEEEEE! I had to make a firm commitment to mys...

Okay, his friend just tagged him in some photos he took at the wedding he went to three weeks ago. Obviously, you guys don't get to see.... I've already blown his and my privacy into smithereens... (July 2011 - Meh, it's done with, I've shown all of you anyway :) ) (11 September 2012 - I don't need his photo any longer. It's burned up in the ashes of the past. So I am choosing to delete it today... I have humiliated myself enough for love - or what I thought was love.) OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Finally photos that do him justice. No wonder he has so many stalkers and people going nuts over him. His posse. And he found me interesting and enjoyed my company. Hubba hubba DROOL - my eyes literally popped OUT of their SOCKETS! Vimal, WHO???? And I have just lost him - again - because I sent him an email. This one. The one he had no response to. I live in my head way too much. Honestly. No wonder he's run off away, far far away... typical...