Isle of Skye

I still need to work on forgiving him for using my body for his sexual gratification... from August 2011 up until February 2012. That's really wrong and he's an idiot. And as for the stuff after his getting married - I really don't know. I'm weird, and am sometimes wrong about things. Or he's full of crap. Whatever. Buh-bye... my 26 year old echo had better get over it now. I was actually getting my hopes up a little this morning and yesterday. Sad, sad... very sad. I need to get a job. I actually don't know quite what I need. P.S. Imran, I meant when I added you back in December and wrote you an email on this very email account. No reply. Predictable. Idiot. Damn, I hate being Artemis. I have such rotten luck with men :( I finally bit the bullet and called Ali yesterday after three lame ass days of him saying he'd call and then saying he got home too late. That was Monday... Tuesday, I fell asleep at 8 and he was free at 10pm and yesterday I c...

It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating. A few minutes later... Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please. Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !...

So on Saturday, we as a group released energies to do with sabotages to vulnerability, to success, to gratitude and to romance. And a lot of other things were released... control... other things... no point in documenting it all. I was in full 3D and so nothing magical was seen by moi. Then Ali, the 37 year old Irani guy texted me on Sunday but so late I wasn't in the mood for a chat. We spoke on Sunday and he went into "selling myself as a potential husband" so I told him please don't do that, let's just have a normal conversation. I think Ali might become a new friend... I would like that, I need friends in London. We spoke for an hour, it was good in the sense I have a lot more in common with him than with Imran. Healing, he likes to talk as well.... but not the hubby for me :) When he spoke about hope, I couldn't be present. Because it reminded me of Imran and I winced. Then today, I randomly open up a magazine at the Post Office and it s...

It's not Imran. I had a wellness reading last night after sending healing to my dad, Leah's friend and to all those who are open to receiving healing in St. George's Hospital. Imran is pulling me back, I'll regress if I go back to him because his energy will pull me down (sound familiar?) My new guy is actually quite a way ahead of me in his personal development and spiritual journey and is holding his hand out to pull me toward him. How ANNOYING IS THAT? I should be ahead - ME!!! ;) If I choose to go back and contact Imran, I'd be even farther away from him and replicating the utter madness. And really being the masochist, enjoying pain and stagnation. I will not go back for ANYBODY, not even Immy. I do NOT want a jalebi wedding, thank you very much. When he wants me to help him heal his life, he can bloody well ask me energetically (which I think he has been, I just haven't bothered because I, and then my parents and other loved ones,...

The BESTEST OneRepublic song. I listened to it when I was with him, when I wasn't with him... and, again, today. Signs from the Universe. Synchronicities - I'll pretend it is so. One Republic - Say (All I Need) lyrics Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something Somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but Nothing's turned out how you wanted Well, bless my soul You're a lonely soul Cause you won't let go Of anything you hold Well, all I need Is the air I breathe And a place to rest My head Do you know what your fate is? And are you trying to shake it? You're doing your best and Your best look You're praying that you make it Well, bless my soul You're a lonely soul Cause you won't let go Of anything you hold Well, all I need Is the air I breathe And a place to rest My head I sai...

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain So, I've wasted the entire day doing nothing but being on the PC the entire day. Well, I researched the courses I wanted to do. And did some yoga. But still... grrr. Better do my meditations and set goals for tomorrow. And go out. And do some gardening. Trust. Feel the loneliness and slight desperation you feel about finding someone and unease you feel about your sustenance and let it go through the "body of glass". Pray to Allah. All is possible. Love this song, btw. It's a perfect song. His voice is like satin. Now this one is on constant replay, making me feel like I'm missing something. I AM NOT. If I am single, it's because that's what is best for me now. When I was in a relationship, that was what was best for me then. Doh. And the disintegrating of the relationship was what was best at the time. And the fact that we are not in co...

I feel I have finally, finally forgiven you. You will always be remembered, blue-font boy. Although, having said that, most of my memories are actually fading away. I do love you, just in a different way from the Eros-inspired love I felt for you a few months ago. Is this what they call universal love? Unconditional love? Who knows... I still regret that we may never speak again. But... it is as it is. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you find it within to give and receive unconditional love. May you finally forgive me, too.

My enneagram email today asks me: "As you approach the start of a New Year, reflect back on the past one to see how you've grown and what issues still block your way to a deeper transformation. Has there been a theme during this past year and do you see a pattern for your future challenges?" God, what the heck is with all this deep thinking, soul searching, pattern breaking, feeling emotions but not wallowing in them? Walking home today from Morden, and I passed the same fences from my childhood. I would swipe my hand over them and get splinters. The same trees I'd smile at. The same houses I wished I lived in, because the people seemed to belong, to be more "together" and to be "happier" than what my own reality was. I would like to be that child again. Shrug off all the burdens, the stress, the pricking sense of foreboding, that the house of cards will fall to the floor if I relax. Whoa, back in that pattern again, I see. On Groovesha...

Your Type Four EnneaThought for December 23rd Make this Affirmation today: "I now affirm that I am free of the damage of my past." Everything to do with the fucked up man-boy is now officially and permanently in the past . Exactly 4 months since he first sneakily charmed his way into my life. I set myself free from all attachments in this life and all previous and future lives. Thou art a toxic boy and thou ruineth my self-esteem. Thou art not good for me. Addiction, obsession, passive-aggressiveness and violence and anger: not good in a relationship. Up and down from the get go. Rukhsana sent you a message. Rukhsana Ahad 21 December 2010 at 22:18 can u please leave imran alone and find a new person in ur life otherwise please get back with him your choice....thanx Rukhsana sent you a message. Rukhsana Ahad 21 December 2010 at 22:19 why are u prank calling him? Me prank call you? HA! Khush fehmiyan, chhote bachhe. You should be so lucky. How utterly f...

The short story transforms into a novella. Question is: will I allow it to become a novella, novel or epic saga? Is it meant to be? Are we up for it? I know I am not, not at the moment. Nouvelle chapitre: I made a decision on the night of his birthday, 28th November. No, I didn't wish him a Happy Birthday. Didn't want to, so didn't. It came from my Higher Self. Guiding me back on track. I deleted all his email addresses, took him off from Yahoo Messenger and blocked him from SimplyShia but then they hid all the messages he sent me, which isn't quite what I wanted. So I unblocked him so I could keep the lines of communication open - and refer to the imbecilic messages when I was bored or wallowing. Good my intuition/God guided me to do that. After what has transpired this morning. I also deleted him from FB at around 9 AM yesterday - a-ha, you didn't think I'd be able to do that, now did you? SURPRISEEEEEE! I had to make a firm commitment to mys...

I've been trawling through my emails for signs, for indicators, for signs, for help, for signs... yes, a lot of signs. I believe in them. They haven't been smacking me in the head lately. Or, rather, they have been, but until yesterday, I was accidentally on purpose doing my best to avoid reality. I wanted things to work out so badly with Irish. Why? He's sweet, he's nice, he's steady, he's Shia ... long list. And, yes, he's Khoja. That was very comforting. Speaking about Mombasa and Hujjat and Hyderi mosques. And having a system for Lakha families 1, 2 and 3 and Juma families 1, 2 and 3. Comforting, like eating mogo and kuku paka and pilao. I called him a Jekyll/Hyde person. The first time was when he stopped emailing or replying to my texts. Since then, I've called him that to my friends, and in the delusional "love letter" I sent to him two weeks ago (time goes fast even when you're in limbo). Apa says he's my dad. I...