Isle of Skye

As I finally put the book down, I can once again feel my heartbeat pacing at a much quicker pace. The voices whisper, "call me by my name" and once again the thought slides across my brain, the part that is always comparing my life and creative force with that of others. I really wish I had come up with that concept and that title myself and had written a most beautiful work of fiction that would give honour to the beauty that the words emanate and pulsate out whenever I read them or speak them aloud. Something very physiological has occurred to my brain with this book, this story, painstakingly written down for me to remember what it feels like to be innocent all over again, to be in really close physical contact with other like-hearted and like minded humans. To be interested in the human condition all over again, its superficialities and dramas.  I often wonder what it feels like to be a regular human being with regular emotions, regular experiences, regular relationships ...

According to the Tao of Pooh, the book writes itself. Okie dokie. In the meantime, let me stew in the toxic juices of envy and jealousy as I continuously come across the names of people who were either on my birthday party invite lists or in the school attendance register in large print, fine print - just in print. I seriously doubt there's a book inside of me. Frustrated and sadistic people end up being editors. Correction - motivated and frustrated and et. al. I probably won't publish this post. Only Coleridge could get away with being high on bhung and getting his work published and deemed readable. My mum and I were recalling the daffodils and roses in Morden today. Almost springtime. Easter. Cadbury's creme eggs (I romanticize, I never really liked the taste of them, give me a Kinder egg any day). I was thinking of daisy chains the other day. It always goes back to that. I can sum up my entire memories of my childhood (at least in the spring/summer) under the headings...

After having watched 'Memoirs of a Geisha' just today, I now have more of an appreciation of Japanese culture and Japanese women, most of whom are quite beautiful (well, the actresses in the film and a few students I knew at Glendon were). I finally have regained enough concentration to follow an entire film. And read chapter after chapter of 'The Kite Runner'. It's such a melancholic book that when someone dies, I feel a sense of relief. That they've gone to a better place than this shitty place called Earth. Umair emailed me today. Boys just cannot take hints. Oh well. I have no clue how to tell him I no longer want to keep in touch. I have nothing to offer this friendship, seeing as my soul and life have withered like an old palm branch, sucked dry and are dank with disappointment and despair. This 'friendship' is useless. One should throw away something that is useless, or rather, harmful to one's growth. A mon avis. But it made me recall somethi...

1. DESIRED OBJECTIVES OR BEHAVIOR DICTATED BY DESIRED OBJECTIVES. Unwilling to participate and wishes to avoid all forms of stimulation. Has had to put up with too much of a tiring or exhausting nature and now desires protection and non involvement 2. THE EXISTING SITUATION OR BEHAVIOR APPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Avoids excessive effort and needs roots, security and peaceful companionship. 3. CHARACTERISTICS UNDER RESTRAINT OR BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Insists that his goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing him to compromise. Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. 4. REJECTED OR SUPPRESSED CHARACTERISTICS OR ANXIETY-LADEN CHARACTERISTICS. Agitated helplessness and inability to control events are subjecting him to great stress. Possibilit...

I've been feeling slightly up the past two days. Not sure if it's because of that ruddy email. I think it is. I've obsessed enough about it. It makes me laugh each time I read it. If only I had someone who actually lurrved me ha ha. I don't like it when people write things they don't mean, though. Playing word games with an emotional fuckwit . You have to be really careful about that. He just doesn't think, though. We all lapse once in a while, so I should just let it slide. Now, can you please stop obsessing already? I mean, I'm not one of those floozy-type girls who give as good as they get back. He's just in the habit of banter. I'd never say it unless I mean it. Kind of disappointing, though. I hate people who say things to make you feel nice, when they are just not true ... Christ... I was thinking yesterday about how there was a time, probably in A Levels, when I desperately wanted to become a school counsellor and deal with kids on a one-to...