Isle of Skye

How am I ever going to truly be forgiven by Zain khalu and khalajaan for all the stuff I've done to them? And my parents? and even siddiqua? Such arrogance... and then everybody else.... thank you Allah for this.... thank you. If the Silva Method works.... you know what that would mean?

I was going to write something but now i am not. wouldn't it be amazing if the Silva method actually worked for each of us?

What is this joy they keep talking about? This peace from Allah, it must be real. Allah who loves us like the Christians say but without the smugness? Without the self righteousness and the focus on just accumulating wealth? I’ve always thought that my way of living was a pious way, of thinking of being sad of being negative…… that it’s okay not to succeed, because Allah doesn’t want you to be proud. I’ve failed and I’m still full of pride and am so stingy I don’t pay my khums or my sadaqa, I gave money to someone that perhaps I was better advised not to. There’s no right answer at all. I used to love to write, but there’s no meat in my words. Control over my own emotions, that sounds something good and decent. Anger, envy, pride, sadness, laziness…. Even if Wayne Dyer says it. I am so guilty about being so blind about all the things Allah gave me, taking things for granted. Take responsibility, don’t blame other people and circumstances. They don’t help you...

I am looking to the internet as though I'll find myself there. i have next to no confidence in my abilities, i can't even isolate my good qualities. so how am i to go looking for or securing or doing a job?

I thought i'd be able to become a muslim or at least a believer no matter who i was as a person. islam for all of us, right? i have no job aspirations, no job. i try the positive thinking and think maybe that too is satanic. i went to the hospital yesterday and met the severely disturbed patients. two men urinated in the room, 12-15 in one stinky room. how could i not give thanks to you allah? i need to manage my own life, i's only one and it's all i am accountable for. is there such a thing as an inner voice? is it right to listen to it if i hear it, to act upon it? i can't stand doing the household chores. putting things away. ironing. cleaning rooms and bathrooms. all work is hard. sukaina who are you and where are you and huh?

I really don't love myself. That's why I am currently here. I'm unfortunate enough to have chosen the wrong people to befriend and now have lost them. i know nobody's going to do all the right things, but my knowledge of my connection with god is that i must protect myself because I may get influenced too - to lie to my parents, to think it is okay to not pray my salaat .... it's so tough. I know God and Islam is way more than what i have learned so far and in trying to get to another level, I'm having to go to read things like Silva method and eckhart tolle and they seem okay except now I say i am sinning and will be whipped with a brow leather belt and thrown into a pit of fire or that all the money and love will be taken away from me in all at once because I don't have a job. And there's absolutely no one I can trust enough to guide me because it "has" to come from within and I've been without my whole life so far. I'm...

I said the insanity has lifted, but that is not correct. rather, my awareness has decreased and the veils are over my heart again. I did feel the being, it was pain. and now it is gone. but lamenting the Now causes suffering, i realised today so I forgive the now and the fact that my unconsciousness is as it is. Criticizing and stuff causes more pain. i choose not to cause any more pain for myself now, nor pain for others. but how do i explain stuff? the things that were lucid to me two weeks ago and i thought others would understand are now incomprehensible to me because of WORDS and now i know how crazy I sound to other people. i don't want to make the future a problem.but i do want to know whether i am following my heart's truth and destiny as co-created with spirit to do transpersonal counselling course. way in future if at all. i am not my job. it is secondary. i am more than my personality. I am always Divinely protected and guided. Not minding anything. I managed to tra...

We have had only cloudy and ONLY cloudy weather since 5th July. i felt down since then, sewing class. Today is 11 August and the clouds went. I don't think I've felt so grateful to have a sunny day. Ever. everything looks different, i woke up at 7 30. And was happy to do so. i tried telling myself, the weather is just the weather and my reaction to it is causing it. Louise Hay doesn't suffer from SAD so she doesn't know. I can't live in London then. not that i was. i am here. but if it gets cloudy here as well.... poverty is a major issue and my guilt at having consumes me i need to look for and get and actually work at a job.wake up. but i have major mood disorder with what they call co morbidity.

The downward mood has lifted. the real horror and reality is now muted a bit. i know i have to look for work and i know that it is scary when these mood disorder phases come upon me without warning. oh Allah how am i to maintain the connection with you and express gratitude and meditate through prayer when i keep succumbing to my ego mind and pain body and the thoughts? But i am grateful. even when I am not, make me grateful. let me consolidate and truly be aware with all this new knowledge. let me take the truths and the best and sidestep the misguidedness such as communicating with angel michael and stuff like that. let me become more intuitive. and grateful and aware. being a muslim doesn't harm me neither does it take me away from spirituality that i "seek". remember that oh Soul. Oh Allah you provide for all, provide for the cats and and for our servants and for the people near the graveyard and for all the people who are in my life and increase my pure love and the ...

Today is 15th Shaban. I have been the most ungrateful. Four years in heaven i.e. Toronto studying and i thought i was queen of everything. never go back to Pakistan. so i went to london. and i ended up back here. so now i am here and that's that. I'll have to get a job and I'll have to get married. otherwise what else s there to do in my life? all these years I've been tooting some opinions that were never based in reality. other people's thoughts in my head. such a dreamer. i have to work. i may even have to teach. or at least apply for teaching jobs. but how can i do that when i have anger issues and sad issues and all sorts. i removed two cats and am not feeding the other two. we can never predict and therefore cannot judge. stop judging the people in your life. stop it. they and you are spirit. if we are acting through ego, that is not who we are. be conscious.be transparent. went to the graveyard. asked why are we born. I'll have to write articles or someth...

God. to have chosen or been sent on earth to experience life? really? what insanity. right now i am insane. right now i speak and think through ego. right now i am completely lost. i don't want to go to the toilet, i don't want to eat. i don't want to sleep, meditate, i am confused and an unbeliever, and lost. i chose all of this? i search and i can't find because there is really no right way to live. either you sit with a quran all day taking out advice for which cloth you should buy or you try to be present without knowing what it is. and in all of this I'm supposed to find within to get a job and help clean a house that is never truly clean and keep relationships with people as unconscious as i am no matter how religious they are, it's not bringing them closer to god. and really what is day of judgement, is it how i understand it. are we all set up to fail like this, in insanity and ignorance and why bother when all is shackles? i can't even succeed in k...