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Weeping wounds


The depression hits again. Same emptiness, loneliness, confusion, conflict, lack of faith.

I don't really want to go back to London, screw all the material things. I feel so weak today. Fair enough, I've got chronic fatigue and a cold and whatever. But I don't think I want to become a counsellor for the right reasons. I want to become one in order to help me get through stuff, not others. Not really.

People scare and disgust me more than they fascinate me. Anyway, I can't live with my dad. He will not change and I am too weak to change or be resistant or courageous right now.

Aur waisay bhi there's no money. I am not working and don't want to work and that doesn't really pan out or justify things. And da di dah. And self work is so much to do and I just don't have the support or the resources to do it by myself and all the counsellors I have been to only helped a little and not a lot.

Who the heck would want a bipolar counsellor or one who doesn't even have a clue what she has and how to deal with it? A whim and a wish and desperation doesn't justify a Rs 50,000 ticket and three months stay and the loneliness and everything creeping up on me all over again.

I can think about this at another time. Just not now.

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