But...

Snigger, I love Vimrod!

...well, I'm an insomniac once again because I made the mistake of drinking massit ni chai at 10pm and so now can't sleep.

Been looking at the Minster Centre website again and sooooo want to go.... but I have to realise that I am not yet ready. For whatever reasons (okay, financial reasons - stupid stupid recession!) and family relationship reasons and "is this really right for me or am I jumping the gun again?" reasons. Although the I Ching can be wrong, I mean, I don't have to take it as gospel, it's not really bonafide God-approved after all, but then it can't be really wrong because what it says makes sense: I really don't feel ready to go. When it pointed out that I have old thinking patterns cluttering the new and truer ones and that I need to resolve bad habits and phobias, that is true. I've been running on empty and if I think that just by feeling a little better than rock bottom for three odd months is enough sign that I can start this rigorous course, I'm honestly mistaken.

I still feel depressed. In fact, the past three days have been a down turn and I just pushed myself to go to the mosque out of guilt and restlessness.

I still cannot control my anger, my fears, my agoraphobia (ah, that's the phobia then - I wondered), my self esteem is very low, I am still shy in the wrong situations...and on and on and on. Most importantly, I am disconnected from God and from my inner voice, prophet and higher self. My Ruh, I need to connect with it.

And for me, what get me mad is that I remember when I was in touch. Because when I was much younger, 6 years old to perhaps 12 9f I'm stretching it, I could. I was pristine (as we all were). I just remember a golden glow, and talking to the tree in my back garden and doing the right thing didn't take any effort whatsoever. I prayed, I adored my salaat and I didn't really pray out of fear of Hell fire and disapproval. I prayed because it was fun... till it no longer was fun because my spirit wasn't nourished appropriately. No blame, just an observation.

Another thing is that they seem to prefer older people, with more life experience to bolster them up and work experience of which I have nil. Again, I have to create and generate my own abundance and wealth and resources. Side note: in Dua e Tawassul they have this line about how my faith or my prayers are my only capital... I'm like, yes, I want that type of wealth most!

Mujh sey bola nahi jaata aaj kal. I just can't speak. it takes too much effort. And before it was all harsh judgements. Especially about people. So maybe my tongue and throat are shutting up on purpose in an attempt to save me from just more self afflicted harm.

And I've just stopped being suicidal, just two months and the Reiki has been just two months and the homeopathic medicines have been just two months.

So maybe if I think about it again in August. See what the situation is like then. I still have three months. But is it enough time for me to do all that preparation? I ahve a feeling it doesn't.

Londontown, get out of my head already. Scat!

I can't become a yoga therapist, because I need to have become a yoga instructor first. Meh.

I could be a Reiki healer but again that requires dedication on my part and I just began two months ago.

Farhat apa sent me a reply and it made feel loved and appreciated. She says,

"Dear Sukaina.Your last few lines brought tears to my eyes as i so identify with them.You are on the right path.Once you truly get close to God you find PEACE and LOVE.That has been my journey and my experience.I love the things you are doing.I have listened to Enya.It is beautiful and soulful music.I got your email about the books .Not to worry i will get them for you.You know what i feel - you should write a book.Your book will help and touch many people.Please think about it.We will talk more when we meet.Take care. Love and Light.Farhatapa.xxx p.s i have a very dear friend in Karachi.She does reike and is a yoga teacher.I would like you to meet her and see how you feel about her."

I really am hoping something comes out of this because of the rush of love and the instant connection with her; I honestly haven't felt it with anybody else at all in my life so far. Instant. I felt the vibrations. No walls, no barriers, no nothing. Just pure love and attraction. And I almost didn't leave my room to say salaam to her. Imagine. but that's the depression we are highlighting. I hope I remember all the lows for when I am a therapist. I have to remember it all and feel the pain still. How else will I be able to heal others without truly empathizing?

And, of course, the odd thing is that three people: Aleisha, Fizza and Zaira (and I know I've said this before) told me they felt a connection with me, but I honestly feel nothing in return and it really bothers me. Well, I feel other things, more negative like anger and mistrust and plain indifference. And anyway, Zaira wanted to drop me the very first time we met because she thought I was too cold and unapproachable. I've been wondering, if she's so busy being a therapist and working and coming on TV shows and all the rest of it, where does that leave time for her own self-development?

Sucks being an INfp, and I judge the other INfps in a similar manner - I need to work on that too....

Work, work, work. I should get paid cash for the amount of work I am doing with myself!

Not too sure what to say about my mosque excursion tonight: it didn't feel restrictive and at least I prayed my Maghrib and Isha after God knows how many weeks.

Now I have issues with certain phrases in Dua e Kumayl, for crying out loud! But I suppose it's because you only should recite it when you feel like a beggar and completely humble. I'm not humble right now; I'm confused and angry and choked up. I have no issues with Dua e Nudba which I intend on reciting tomorrow. Or the Istekhara dua. In fact, I love that one :)

I joined witter yesterday after i read about it on a Reiki blog. The lady said how she managed to find what she needed through twitter because people read her updates and all the rest of it and I was like, cool, maybe I can too.

So far:

• my picture isn't being uploaded properly,
• I added and then removed Stephen Fry from my list because he updates way too often and random QI stuff that's really boring and not at all interesting - fuzool.
• I added and took off Keane because for some reason they have so much soul in their music but they have commercialized everything else. I went to their online shop and they are charging astronomical prices for mass produced merchandise and I am ambivalent about them now. Also, they have too many followers and fans already and that takes away from what attracted me to them in the first place. They, too, have fuzool updates. I'll stick to thinking they address their songs just to me :)
• I have three random white people following me. It's freaky. Why? Wha wha wha why? i don't get it; I just don't.

So, nothing like magic happening so far. But it's only Day 2.

Oh yes, Shaheen Jaffargholi sounds like a woman's name. But it's this amazingly gifted young Brit Asian boy with a voice that's amazing - huh? Why? I mean, if song and dance and music isn't the path to God, why give people such great voices and make us love all this stuff? Wha wha why?

Yours in a confused mass of blur and poking around for an answer and clasping at straws

Sukaina

P.S. In numerology, both Sukaina and Skye add up to the same number. How freaky is that?! So much for a split destiny...also, my something number says I love to be a homemaker. Homebody, yes. Home maker - ahahaha....