Isle of Skye

In backwards motion. Sidra dedicated a song to me: Aas Pass Hai Khuda. Bless her.  The wi-fi seriously sucks on weekends. Am using dad's PC because I need internet tonight. Specifically, listening to the haraam music. I was on the ENLP energy Skype call and each time it was my turn, it cut off. I obviously got what I needed - especially from Ash and his confidence in intimate relationships energy and Olive and her identity thingy. Bloody hopeless, I think Ash may at the most be Level 2 and look at how good his intuitive gifts are. He saw something for everyone. I only saw a dog, a pink energy for Diana and that's IT! I think it was just my conscious mind wanting more healing, some light bulb and lightening and fireworks. Tough luck, conscious mind. You get real life. It's much easier with Genne and With Leah. I resonate well with their energies. And one-to-one scenarios. Especially with Genne. Sidra gave me another session today: because I needed it. A lot of...

Remember how insanity is doing something in the same manner and expecting different results? Here's proof what did I repeat? Listening to Sidra's suggestion about going on the website Caving into what might have been intuition and also impulsivity about going back onto the same bloody website I met Imran on Putting my photos up Having to say no to the men I am not interested in and having those I was interested in back off or show no interest or decency to respond writing what I think is an honest and truthful and yet compassionate email and then getting a response like the  one I got from Akhlaq below emails like this: 14-09-2011 Salaam Akhlaq, Thanks for taking out the time from to email - I am sure it must be a really busy time for you! InshaAllah your surgery will go well on Monday and please don't worry about replying to me - you take your  time and do what needs to be done with uni and your health and your life :) To be honest, I think I'm go...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

One can hope. And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind? Do I really treat other people like that? Of course. And I am sorry. I don't know why I still do it. I'm trying so very, very hard. So hard, I am. So hard. And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people. I don't want to do that. I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons? I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense th...

Unfinished conversations,                  half-baked plans. A present given with so much thought and love that I could almost cry; had I any tears left. A year on and the promise that I thought I had made to life                 has petered out; it barely smoulders. Such are the vicious repetitive cycles of the life I choose for myself,                 unforgiving, mundane, a continuously dumping on myself, such is the blank Love is so much harder to come by,                and once again, the unspoken questions stain my lips Is this it? Is this all? How is it that the things that people hold dear, I feel nothing for? Surely I didn't sign up for this lack of feeling, f...

Affirmation This year I will be the person I want to be.  I will make a difference in this world by my positive attitude.  I will be committed to my own self and my own self and spiritual development.  I will honour my word and speak my truth. My Sacred Energy “There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”  ~ Deepak Chopra Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. That is all I have to say.  Our relationship is not as equals at all.  Not like yours with her.  I know it's my own thoughts and feelings in the way. I'm the one making myself feel like this. Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to make do with feeling envious, jealous, and becoming a perfectly formed, but bitter, chrysalis-butterfly. With only four people who love her. Two of whom I know and appreciate. And ...

My enneagram email today asks me: "As you approach the start of a New Year, reflect back on the past one to see how you've grown and what issues still block your way to a deeper transformation. Has there been a theme during this past year and do you see a pattern for your future challenges?" God, what the heck is with all this deep thinking, soul searching, pattern breaking, feeling emotions but not wallowing in them? Walking home today from Morden, and I passed the same fences from my childhood. I would swipe my hand over them and get splinters. The same trees I'd smile at. The same houses I wished I lived in, because the people seemed to belong, to be more "together" and to be "happier" than what my own reality was. I would like to be that child again. Shrug off all the burdens, the stress, the pricking sense of foreboding, that the house of cards will fall to the floor if I relax. Whoa, back in that pattern again, I see. On Groovesha...

Odd how that one word can encompass so many subtle threads of feeling. Odd how that word explains why I've become a hermit since 11 November 2010. Odd how that prevents me from going to a Hussayniyah, where I might find some peace and salvation. Odd how I can feel it and still FB stalk people. Still go on for hours in unproductive activities rather than improving my lot. But it is this very shame (with a sense of pride) that will prevent me from succumbing to whatever it was that held such an all encompassing hold over my reason, my self pride and my dignity. Never again.

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?" I fear men (the male species) I hate men (the male species) I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained. I will not even begin lo...

I feel so vengeful. I feel like putting my profile on the SimplyShia website and activating it and making every single fucking male's life miserable. manu1001 26 Ja'fari/Ithna'asheri Middlesex,GB My friends would describe me as Chilled, Enthusiastic, Intelligent, Reflective, Spontaneous hmmm..... What would you like to know? Last active : 7 Hours ago And he has frigging 5 stars? How on Earth does he get 5 stars? I've only got 3 and my profile is COMPLETE! Revenge is on my mind. It's hopeless. The stupid numerology is useless. The stupid horoscopes are useless. I am absolutely useless. At least I showered today.

Okay, his friend just tagged him in some photos he took at the wedding he went to three weeks ago. Obviously, you guys don't get to see.... I've already blown his and my privacy into smithereens... (July 2011 - Meh, it's done with, I've shown all of you anyway :) ) (11 September 2012 - I don't need his photo any longer. It's burned up in the ashes of the past. So I am choosing to delete it today... I have humiliated myself enough for love - or what I thought was love.) OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Finally photos that do him justice. No wonder he has so many stalkers and people going nuts over him. His posse. And he found me interesting and enjoyed my company. Hubba hubba DROOL - my eyes literally popped OUT of their SOCKETS! Vimal, WHO???? And I have just lost him - again - because I sent him an email. This one. The one he had no response to. I live in my head way too much. Honestly. No wonder he's run off away, far far away... typical...