Isle of Skye

I put up a Facebook status update early this morning: Loving the Delete button today. Then to prove it, I deleted it! XD I deleted people again. It's funny how this literally has a physical effect on me. Deleted the girl who never speak to me, deleted a guy from one of the workshops, deleted a few others. Yes, deleted Osama. And now have made my profile as hidden and hard to find as before I added Imran last year. It's only after him that I felt like parading myself online. No one can add me as a friend or even send me a message. Those things keep getting me into trouble. All the inspirational poster in my album are now only for people on my list. Enough! By Deep Life Quotes "You keep attracting the same people, because you need to learn the same lesson. When you pass the test, the same people will stop coming." #DLQ So, for me, it's a matter of deleting them. And staying the heck away from Facebook in general. And helping two girls out today with stuff ...

  “O Causer of the Causes; O He who opens the doors (to opportunities); O’ He who gives an answer to the call from wherever (He is called).” Yaa Musabbibal Asbaabi Yaa Mufattihal Abwaabi Yaa Man Haythu Maa Du-ee-Ya Ajaaba Yes, I think I have reached a point that might mimic desperation. The sexual drives are overpowering. The loneliness and the desire to be with a husband... I suppose I could sublimate it, but the question is, why? I mean, all these years, I did okay. I knew I wasn't ready and I was depressed, so that was that: sexual urges or none. Most of the time I had none, most of the time I could hardly get out of bed. But now, when I am ready? You made me ready, Allah when you made me fall for Imran. I am 27 and a half years old. Not like Farwa, who only JUST turned 23 years old. Or if I'm not and there are blocks and stuff, it's hard-pressed to say have patience and fast. I don't do either. As I say: puri dunya shaadi karti hai......

What are they? They charm the pants off me when a guy uses them to get what he wants from me. I use them to hurt people and wound them and I cause absolute chaos with my father. I don't like those words. I still use the words I learnt from Imran. He used quite a few. "Little one" "woman" "chick" "rude" "playing games" Certain words still remind me of him. Swear words, they're creeping back into my vocabulary. harsh, harsh words against my father. Critical words against people who don't do what I expect them to do. When they almost run me over, bump into me or note ven bother to smile when I ask how they are at the cashier till - Sharon hasn't changed, even though her life circumstances have. Words against myself. In my head. That create my reality. Words in emails that make no sense. I am far removed from them. My name is word. I have to change it. Suki Juma doesn't cut it. I need proper first n...

Gosh, what the hell? How much of this am I going to keep churning up and spitting out? Sadness, disconnect and yes, there's all the reasons: DNA change, light body activation but still and I'm just feeling more crazy. Attracting a guy called Osama and not knowing why - except maybe to realise that it's not that easy to find The One. Hiding myself, not doing my work... procrastinating - I think I'm going to the library. Or at least a walk. Allah help me please!!!!

 ~~~ is a better day I'm messed up, more than I thought possible Just wanted that in writing Achievements: did a healing for Leah tonight, made tea for Owen, made rice for their lunch, hoovered, went for morning walk, made plans for Farwa's birthday for Saturday and a haircut, haven't messaged Osama again, took shower, prayed salaat, clutching at straws here :P I kind of wanna get married and I kinda am a commitment-phobe. well, the decision is out of my hands for the next 2 months and I know I'll survive it. I just stalked Imran's profile and he's put the most hilarious photo - thank goodness I ain't marrying him! Scary monster-boy ;) I kind of wish I was marrying someone compatible and nice, kind and decent though :( Tomorrow, I'm going to do amazingly InshaAllah - starting with Fajr salaat and even fasting, so wake for suhoor - angels, wake me up! To bed now!

God, I feel like CRAP. Ugh. I totally messed up yesterday with Osama and I am judging myself for it. Boy, I need my husband in my life, if only I'd open my heart to receive. I'm finding work very tedious already. And stressful. I feel so blank, numb, joyless. Three day workshop and still I block my ability to receive love, help, visions, information. I've cut the cords with Imran and I still think of him because it's familiar, comfortable and the only experience I have to go on. It's so cold, I don't like the cold. I keep succumbing to my desires and feeling terrible afterwards. I'm going to the Coej Youth conference on Saturday for God knows what reason. To get email addresses? For Integrating U and for me? Huh? Jamaat salaat? I mean, what the hell? How does it feel in my body? Oh Allah. Help me. I want to release the self sabotage programmes, the not good enough, the I don't deserve and the scared programmes. Show me, make me open u...

How to Raise Your Vibration My, what a powerful Gateway of 11-11-11 was. The intensity of it left many of us reeling between ecstasy and dire emotional pain. The ecstasy was/is the sense of true spiritual evolvement and the pain was/is the awareness that, while many layers of duality have been released, there is so much more beneath. I have been in a state of Gratitude for it all. I simply do not want anything blocking the Light flowing in. Our Souls cannot fully merge with us with any old energies hanging about. If you are called to do Forgiveness work for anything in this life or other lifetimes, now is the time to do it. Happily, the 12th Gateway is a ways off (Winter Solstice), so we have plenty of time to acclimate to the 11th Gateway energies. As a reminder, the best way to integrate the higher dimensional Light into our bodies is to be in our Integrity and being our Authentic Selves. This means being honest with ourselves and others. Love doesn’t have to hide; fear and dar...

It's okay when I am the one who is affected, but not when Sidra is - or anyone else is. Crap. I can't breathe. Dammit. Suki, what the hell? Go to sleep. I'm really sorry Sidra. You know I truly want to help you. I am so sorry. Dammit. Mistakes happen. Mistakes are learning curves. Dammit. Flipping emotions and thoughts and unrootedness and unpreparedness. And loneliness. And wanting a husband so badly. I have a right to feeling whatever it is I am feeling. I forgive myself for fucking up - again. Confidence and love and trust.

All I know is I have to write and release. Write and release. Write and release. The day's gone in tiredness and at least doing some productive work. Right now, anxiety energies are in my heart. I crossed two cute Pakistani guys and, as usual, either couldn't or didn't meet their eye. I feel really, really ungrounded. Ground. Practise. How does one practise? WTH? And then I have to go home and be around the father. I saw tentacles. As though I am not letting go or it is not letting go of me. Thank goodness I got rid of the man-boy from my energy. Now there's a lump in my throat. I became sad on the first day because I can't see, I am short-sighted. And all my other health issues. And now I am sad because I don't know and I have manifested all of this. That if I am so powerful, do I not have it within me to really reach my grand potential? I know I asked for lots of grand things and a complete change. And then I asked for "or better....

Imran, yes. I'm thinking of you. I told I loved you this day last year. And you... well. I still love you. In a soul mate, universal love way. Infinitely. Even though you and I are never to marry. What's prompting me to write this post? The Osama guy. Jeez. His energy is so much like Imran's. And I'm behaving with him like I did with Imran. Very comfortable and friendly and just yakking away. Not usre if it's a good thing or a bad things he's not Shia Ithna Asheri. Also, I am not physically attracted to him. And I know he is to me. And he likes my personality. And.... I am not repeating my stuff. No way. I am meeting my guy in real life firstly. And he has the love of Muhammad, ALi, Fatemah, Hassan Hussain and all the rest of it in his heart. Because that is the earth, the mitti I am made of. And he's handsome, attractive, as sexy as I am (okay, slightly less sexy than I am!) And the rest of the long list. But this Osama guy - OMG! He reminds me ...