Isle of Skye

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

That is how much of my energy is solely mine: inside of me, in my aura, in my energy field. Just freaking eight per cent. That means 92 per cent is my parents, my religious upbringing, school and everyone else's. Sigh. Other people raised their vibrations to 40 and 50 per cent after doing the releasing exercises. Pas moi. I went to an introductory evening for Art Giser's Energetic NLP work last Thursday (that where we did all the kooky, visualisation stuff - I'll post it on my O Healer blog soon). It was fruitful. I felt that I had finally stepped into the world I was born to be part of, into the way of living that is attuned to mine: that I had finally "arrived". I was where I belonged. I made sense. I was on the right path. Finally. It was a full moon night as well, which I love! I couldn't have planned it better, to be honest. Lots of stuff happened, I learnt quite a bit: some of which I don't think I should have learned - only because it i...

Only my tear-soaked pillow is witness to my pleading, begging and wailing for Your mercy, help, guidance and abundance. I trust You will answer in due course. I have no other choice. ~~~ She was right: when you're alone, crying in the dark of the night, there's just you and no-one else. No effing one. ~~~ But, funnily enough, yesterday I finally found some Rumi-inspired comfort in that shattering solitude. It forces you to bleat "Allah" and "Help me" again and again, and communicate solely with Him. No one else is there to depend on, you don't look to His servants to unravel only what He can. You know that if any help is to come, it's only by His Grace and Might. And if it is withheld, that too is a result of His Knowlege and Mercy. Honestly, if I hadn't bought that cute Alan Titchmarsh bucket radio at the Bits and Bobs shop last Saturday, I really don't know how I would have survived last night. Radio DJs are idiots and say the daft...