Isle of Skye

From: Sukaina Juma [mailto:sukaina@ymail.com] Sent: 07 September 2011 22:33 To: Imran Lakha (ilakha) Subject: Hey Imran, old buddy, old pal,   Are you stalking me on SimplyShia? My profile ain't that interesting :)   How are you? :)   Oh, and just in case you still have those MP3s of Dua e Kumayl and Dua e Iftitah by Abathar I sent you back in the day, can you send them to me? I deleted all the emails and forgot to save the MP3 files before doing so - doh! then my computer crashed so I lost them from my hard disk :(   Belated Eid Mubarak :)   Sukaina Thursday, 8 September 2011, 11:30 Salaam Sukaina,   Thanks for reaching out… I’m doing well by the Grace of God. You?  If you’re referring to my visit to your profile then yes I did… you seem softer and more open than before, which is always good. Unfortunately I had my laptop re-imaged and lost a great deal of information, including my emails. Apologies.  Lastly Eid ...

Mark gave me a mock interview today. I did okay - I said "uhm" 13 times (he counted, the meanie). Not quite sure why I'm seeing him next week if I haven't started looking for work - although he was really convincing in his persuasion for me to start again. I needed to borrow his ball point pen because, as usual, could not find it in my huge-ass purse. He said yes, sure here you go... but make sure you give it back. I know all about you pen thieves. Then he says: I was at home one day and was bored and looked at the pot in font of me and thought "I wonder how many pens I have in the house" and so I counted them all - I have 150 pens at home..." Boy, I bust a gut laughing... who in hell has time to count all the PENS in the house???? And actually REMEMBER how many???? And this guy, my dears, is a cool guy - he's funny and he plays football, has a life partner and all the rest of it... bless him, it is worth seeing him each week to hear these radic...

I've only ever heard the songs that had videos and were played on radio or on TV. I just heard this one yesterday. And this is possibly why I like Jay Sean. Love the song. So I wasn't completely copping out when I like these artists and their songs. I tap into their soul ~ I mean, we all have the same feelings and urges deep within :) They are little boys within, who just want to be loved and cherished and treated right. Sigh.... I'm so sorry, Immy. I truly, truly am. Not that I left  you, not that I unceremoniously dumped you, but for all the nasty and confusing things I said and did. And maybe, just maybe, I made you feel that you weren't good enough for me. I did keep rejecting your gestures of affection and care. Couldn't even let you call me Suki because I felt completely vulnerable, naked and invaded. I didn't allow myself or know how to receive love (still don't). And, as for you not being right for me, in spite of my overwhelming feelings f...

I feel as though I should write a post. So here it is. Weekend was sleepy. Most of the week was sleepy. I've been kicked off welfare. I can contest the decision, but that would mean more stress. Oh, I don't know. When I read my numerology report, it makes me wish all of the good things would actually happen on the days it says they will happen. Especially when they say that romance and love are strong, someone admires you, you will meet someone new and important, good for career and work, misunderstandings are cleared up. I'd say it's about 17% accurate. Which is pretty crappy. I love my friends, by the way. All of them. The ones who call me and say "I don't want it to be a week without having either spoken to you or emailed you." My God. That touched the bottom of my heart, tickled it and sent ripples of love and joy throughout my entire being. Then, yesterday, Umair was online, so we were sending emails back and forth. About random stuff. And Arm...

Odd how that one word can encompass so many subtle threads of feeling. Odd how that word explains why I've become a hermit since 11 November 2010. Odd how that prevents me from going to a Hussayniyah, where I might find some peace and salvation. Odd how I can feel it and still FB stalk people. Still go on for hours in unproductive activities rather than improving my lot. But it is this very shame (with a sense of pride) that will prevent me from succumbing to whatever it was that held such an all encompassing hold over my reason, my self pride and my dignity. Never again.

... is that I've re-possessed my deceptive self. I now edit my emails again as I once did before. I haven't spoken to anyone in quite some time - surprisingly - when was the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone? Last Wednesday. Yes. Last Wednesday. Sad little Suki. But I was successful in not talking about myself. Or about the nebulous quality of my feelings. Wasn't so successful on Thursday. When I met a friend. But at least only spoke about it for perhaps 15% of the entire meeting. I am once again dissimulating, dissembling, pretending, hiding, keeping my secrets close within. I shall become invisible, not invincible. But invisible is what I was in the past and it served me well. I shall cease to exist somehow. And when I do, the feelings will stop. The pain will stop. I will stop. The heart is deceitful above all things. I had my mind, but lost it completely. Along with the stupid phantom emotion that I cared for someone. Or rather, that the feeling...