Isle of Skye

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title.... I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?" Why indeed? I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :( So here's the stuff since Monday: I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word c...

... when anyone says that, it means it's going badly. It's all messy and you've obviously "screwed up". So, you know what's been happening this weekend. Well, little Suki is learning. I am trying to take this at a meta aware level. Looking at myself as one looks at children playing. Seeing the tantrums, the emotional ways I've acted. I kidnapped 15 books from Farhat Apa - this weekend was one of those weird, flowing ones. I just hope I was able able to spread healing and Reiki around, even though I was sleep-deprived. I finally called and spoke to him yesterday. He has such a gorgeous, typical, North London, Khoja voice. A really sexy voice... sigh, Sukaina, be-HAVE! ;) He told me he avoids conflict, which is just great for me. He told me my emails were a little exasperating. I said "You can't just say that and not elaborate" He said they are 2 page emails and he just has to read and read and read. But I wasn't my usual charming ...

If you do not want what I want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong. Or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them. Or if my emotions seems less or more intense than yours, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel other than I do. Or if I act, or fail to act, in your manner of design for action, please let me be. I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up trying to change me into a copy of you. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself up to the possibility that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right - for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated and disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And one day, perhaps, in trying to un...

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world and are seen as reticent and even shy. Although they demonstrate a cool reserve toward others, inside they are anything but distant. They have a capacity for caring which is not always found in other types. They care deeply – indeed, passionately – about a few special persons or a cause. One word that captures this type is idealistic. At times, this characteristic leaves them feeling isolated, especially since INFPs are found in only 1 percent of the general population. INFPs have a profound sense of honor derived from internal values. INFP’s seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect. The deep commitment of INFPs to the positive and the good causes them to be alert to the negative and the evil, which can take the form of a fascination with the profane. INFPs prefer the valuing process over the purely logical. They respond to the beautiful versus the ugly, the good versus the bad, and the moral versus t...

Personality and Essence Soon the child’s clear eye is clouded over by ideas and opinions, preconceptions and abstractions. Simple free being becomes encrusted with the burdensome armor of the ego. Not until years later does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines, and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day . . . we become seekers. --Peter Matthiessen The Enneagram tradition defines personality as the lifetime accumulation of mental and emotional patterns which constitute the persona, the person an individual believes himself or herself to be and presents to the world. These patterns include, but are not limited to, habitual ways of thinking, believing, perceiving, and feeling. The words "personality", "ego" and "false self" are considered synonymous and often are used interchangeably in Enneagram teaching.The personality is said to be...

What’s it like to be you? I have a very internal focus. I think I look at myself through other people’s eyes, but sometimes I can lose touch with how things work for me. Then I can get introspective, going very deep and staying there, not coming out too quickly or easily. Somehow I find it very difficult to put into words and communicate the things that really matter to me. Most people don’t have the foggiest notion about what goes on with me. I like harmony and seek consensus and do well with the deep issues. My values and the things that are important to me often feel outside the mainstream in the sense that I feel impinged upon and uncomfortable with so much of what goes on. I’m too private to push my values on to other people, but I am convinced that one ought to be congruent in their own life if they are going to expect congruence from others. In a sense I hold other people to that standard, and I worry about my own incongruities, inconsistencies, and contradictions. Groups can be...

I've been feeling slightly up the past two days. Not sure if it's because of that ruddy email. I think it is. I've obsessed enough about it. It makes me laugh each time I read it. If only I had someone who actually lurrved me ha ha. I don't like it when people write things they don't mean, though. Playing word games with an emotional fuckwit . You have to be really careful about that. He just doesn't think, though. We all lapse once in a while, so I should just let it slide. Now, can you please stop obsessing already? I mean, I'm not one of those floozy-type girls who give as good as they get back. He's just in the habit of banter. I'd never say it unless I mean it. Kind of disappointing, though. I hate people who say things to make you feel nice, when they are just not true ... Christ... I was thinking yesterday about how there was a time, probably in A Levels, when I desperately wanted to become a school counsellor and deal with kids on a one-to...

I just managed to get to Oxfam and enjoy it today. I am to go Wednesday morning and Thursday afternoon. God knows how these moods work. Something that had occurred to me a few months ago is actually supported by research. People with INFP have a higher propensity for depression. Go figure. I knew that it would come up like that. So apathetic I am. Nothing seems to matter to me much anymore. God knows why. I should be finding out what matters to me and going for it. Been listening to loads of good music, which has improved my moods a little. So much talent in the world. Literature and music and drama and comedy and all of it. Such beauty and energy. And I am not a part of it. I can't create. All I can do is crib. When I walk, it's always eyes to the ground. I was shocked to see two blokes barely three feet away from me before I even noticed their presence. Last week of mine was completely wasted. In front of the 'TV' watching sitcoms and North and South (not 'really...

Well, since I seem to be thinking more in depth than usual, let's ask a difficult question. Well, the question, of course, is easy enough but my ability to give an acceptable answer is nonexistent. The preamble: you are 23 years old according to the solar calendar, but 24 according to the lunar calendar and, somehow, that should be given more importance. You are a 'Female' 'Pakistani' 'British' 'Asian' with an undergraduate degree in 'English' (linguistics and Language Teaching certificate for non-English areas). You passed up a chance to earn £5,000 a year working as a library assistant, when (at this moment of writing) it seems as though you might have been able to do what was written in the JD. Especially when they were looking to specifically recruit Asians. Well, you've already passed that up. You're 'moderately depressed'. You have no faith in the NHS system, in fact you are almost entirely sure that this CBT won't w...