Isle of Skye

Last Monday, Art chose a crystal mined in Brazil for each of us. Or, rather, the crystal chose us. It was a fun game. He kicked us out of the room, and when we got back, they had set up a table. There were twenty upturned mugs with a number besides them. In each was a crystal he'd brought from Brazil that had been attuned with healing energies. We each had to go around the table, without touching the mugs (he made us take an oath on that!) and see which were the three crystals we were most attracted/drawn to. You can feel the different energy vibrations for each crystal. Then Art was going to make the final decision; it could be we were right, or that someone else needed the crystal more than us, or that he felt we needed a completely different stone altogether. I was drawn to four crystals, the first I was sure was the strongest, second I had to decide between two, and third was easy to guess. I am happy to report that #9 was first on my list and #9 was the one I finally...

... when anyone says that, it means it's going badly. It's all messy and you've obviously "screwed up". So, you know what's been happening this weekend. Well, little Suki is learning. I am trying to take this at a meta aware level. Looking at myself as one looks at children playing. Seeing the tantrums, the emotional ways I've acted. I kidnapped 15 books from Farhat Apa - this weekend was one of those weird, flowing ones. I just hope I was able able to spread healing and Reiki around, even though I was sleep-deprived. I finally called and spoke to him yesterday. He has such a gorgeous, typical, North London, Khoja voice. A really sexy voice... sigh, Sukaina, be-HAVE! ;) He told me he avoids conflict, which is just great for me. He told me my emails were a little exasperating. I said "You can't just say that and not elaborate" He said they are 2 page emails and he just has to read and read and read. But I wasn't my usual charming ...

The Emotional Alchemy book said it was good, the body releases that which needs to be released. I felt empty and unlovable for a bit, then the waterworks transformed into a soothing balm for the heart. I couldn't sleep, for the most obvious of reasons, even after listening to an hour of Darren Hayes, Keane and Atif Aslam . That's also partly because I shot down 60g of plain dark chocolate in one go yesterday while going through the emotional release. So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and.... If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded. And I contemplated. And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whisper...

This week was alright, yesterday was pretty lovely - went to "The" Regent's Park and got lost on the way to the mosque, thankfully left before they started praying and got lost on the way back, went all the way to triyoga to leave a message and came home after 4:30pm so paid the extra peak time fare. I had envisioned today to be slightly more bearable, but it's ended with me having a nasty taste in my mouth and me not wanting to fast tomorrow. I hate most of the roles I find myself playing these days: having to cope with/yield to how other people perceive the world and their or my place in it. It's so much easier to just top oneself off and get it over with; not having to deal with uncertainties like health, money, fucking jobs, people, poverty, do I want to marry? a man or a woman? (joking, women are irritating), how much food will I have to inhale before I feel loved? do I want friends ? do I want to settle for people who are nice and friendly but ...

Oh Allah, aidez moi... I understand that because of the Reiki and unleashing or unblocking of the energy that lies within and without, I am having these very bizarre and lucid dreams. But seriously, did today's have to focus quite so much on Umair. To the point where I'm dreaming of his parents and him being depressed and and him deciding whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me and me loving him so much. I mean, come on! all that just cannot be suppressed into my subconsciousness and a part of wish fulfillment, can it? I had better pray my salaat today. My soul is aching for it, but I still listen to my nafs and Satan and my body is so tired. The good news is I've slept. Amazing sleep, sans les médications. I'm making up for two entire weeks. I slept all day yday. And I have three new kittens to name... ah, their fur is so soft. All Praise is for Allah. The things in need to remove from my system are: impulsivity short sightedness greed conceit lack of f...

I had the most miserable therapy session yesterday. Not only did I waste most of the hour sobbing and unable to frame a sentence together, she charged Rs 200 extra and whatever she had planned for yesterday's 'very important session' was entirely sabotaged. I could feel the frustration creeping up inside of her. She's told me in no uncertain terms that I am not to consider emigrating from Karachi for two years, until I can bear to live here and interact with the people here and the situation that I am in. Was that the trigger that made me cry? I doubt it: it's not like I have anywhere else to go. The London obsession is just a manageable daydream. Was it the fact that she tells me I ahve a personality disorder, but is tantalising me by not telling me which one? Who gives a fuck? I looked up two likely ones: self-defeating personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, I think it's most likely the first. Is it because I'm to not end taking pills, but...