Isle of Skye

I ought to have a stake driven into my heart. She told my mum in private that she loves me as a daughter; and that whenever the family talk about me, they talk with love. "Meri bahu to hai achhi lekin Sukaina ki baat kuch aur hai" . This just goes completely over my head. I don't feel that love; I feel judgement and derision. And I know in my head that I am wrong. But what do I do about the heart? There was always a certain peace and tranquillity when they came over. It sometimes felt like an exorcism of all the hatred, shahwa and conflict. Mind you, just sometimes. Then again, that usually occurs with most guests. I am thinking that I am projecting all the hatred and disgust I feel about my own Self onto these other people, good and generous people. Easy targets. They'll forgive me? It doesn't harm them? God knows. I am 25 years old and no longer have the God-given respite of youthful ignorance and delusion. I can no longer say "I don't know any better...

I Forgive Myself As I forgive myself, I leave all negative beliefs behind, I know I am good enough and am free to love myself. Having said this, I will now try to sleep peacefully and not over-analyze what tomorrow will bring. This lady, whom I resent and have all manner of negative feelings towards, is to arrive at our house tomorrow at 10 am - I haven't a clue when she will leave. This is not only freaking me out because of the repetition of a ritual that began yonks ago, but already the disagreements and arguments between the two old spinsters have begun. They are so jealous. As am I, but of other people and situations. Flipping jealousy. It's going to eat up my Soul. What is left - after the bitterness, and resentment, and the envy and pure hatred? What the hell is left? What is left of one's Soul to enjoy proximity to Him? Forget 'the ever-lasting springs and pearl-like boys and grapes and pomegranates.' That's just a means to an end. Frigging REMEMBER that...

If my Mum hadn't shut up just now, I'd have hit her. I can't even say these things to my shrink. There's still a part of me that is hidden - because it is too ugly, I deny it in myself. Why is it that my so-called affection for these people i.e. the mother and the father flip over in a second to hatred the moment they shout at me, attack me and become nasty to me? That's not affection, let alone love. And the fact that this specific 'lady' has come back to Karachi while I am still here was bad enough, the fact that she's staying for three entire months is bad enough, but the fact that I have to see her on Saturday because these fucking sisters don't know the meaning of distance is homicide for me. I dislike her intensely; I don't know why but I do. It's what? a sin, blasphemy, punishable by fire? Hell, no. I already suffer the punishment, each time her name is mentioned, my soul smoulders, the hatred just rises up like a huge wave and engulfs...

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about, if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

I wanted to write stories. Something magnificent, like 1984. Something completely romantic and heartbreaking, like I Capture the Castle. Even something along the lines of High Fidelity. Or a Gone With The Wind. Now my super ego says it's a bloody waste of time. Nobody, including myself, will learn anything at all from whatever I write. That, and of course, I am crap at writing and haven't written anything for years and have no ideas or a style with which to work with. The passion is gone. I wanted to become a counsellor last month. Gung-ho, looking up London counselling centres and finding one that looks perfect on paper: www.minstercentre.org.uk and then, realising that London is one of those pipe dreams that just will hound me for the rest of my life when I am not there and when I am there, all I can think about is the emptiness and loneliness. Beher haal, I then found that humanistic counselling might be a better thing for me. No such luck. In order to support others, you fi...

Tuesday night's thought to ponder on "You are your capabilities and potential. If you are not not using your capabilities and potential, you are nothing at all. A person can't live as nothing." Wednesday's assignment "When we believe something, we no longer question it in any way." Free association We did an exercise and I came up blank for so many words. Just couldn't think of anything. Television I got hooked to last year's Dr Who Xmas special. David Tennant is a good actor, mate. Seriously. He was crying so bloody convincingly. And the girl who plays Martha is so unbelievably gorgeous, in spite of the accent. I think the people who like Star Wars (or rather Star Trek) would be more fan-zy about Dr Who than the person who likes North and South and most of Ralph Fiennes' films. The sad thing is that I'm beginning to not get so irritated about watching Emmerdale. So sad. What's even worse is that, though I couldn't bear to hear th...

I haven't been able to make a single decent mandala for at least two months. Either it is becase I can't meditate or because the thoughts and emotions are in the manic phase, whereby it never stays still. Like the Chamber of Secrets whizzing keys. "A mandala is a symbolic portrait of integrated parts that reveal an overall pattern of wholeness. They show you the relationship between various aspects of yourself and the world. While traditional mandalas are frequently geometric, [others] tend to be more organic, following the natural chaos that is life itself." Mandalas are supposed to heal the rifts and inner conflicts. Anyway, since I can't make any ones I actually want to keep, I'll just meditate on another's. This one is a computer generated 'Allah' one (I personally can't see the Allah bit, but I like the colours) This one is called 'Feet in Nature' - by Sigfrid. I just love the composition of the painting (ha, I act as if I know...

The barometer shows a low pressure, I can feel it in my heart, and head. The thoughts keep crashing inside, why do they make this head so heavy? They grate so, till they make me think Blake was a happy Bard. It's always the same thoughts, same themes. I was stupid to think I wouldn't feel like this in sunny Karachi. I am me, the issues are unresolved, I am me, static. Whether it's Sudan, Palestine or any other people being oppressed, we self-professed Muslims WILL remain quiet. How to balance the end to be in the immediate moment of your own life and with the entire world as humanity? It just seems so dark. Family life is in the crapper, money is always such a back stabber. It's got me in it's grip and I don't even have any career is a no-go (no, I didn't write the cover letter, and I didn't email my resume, thank you) All I want to do is watch a movie or a sitcom, and I can't do neither because it's Muharram. My soul is craving for a music fix, ...

Lecture 1 (1/7) Sheikh Arif AbdulHussein - Birmingham, 1430 A.H. Human Islam: Synopsis The discussions on the theme of Human Islam will be approached from two angles simultaneously: the general and the specific. The general will look at the nature of observable existence as a whole and from it will arrive at a sense of purpose generally. This will be the basis through which we will gain an understanding of human purpose. Once we have an appreciation of human purpose we will work towards an understanding of religions and particularly Islam in terms of the attainment of such a purpose. In the course of the discussions we will point at key areas of human Islam such as the compatibility of human condition and religion. We will also look at areas of conflict between religion and human condition and possible resolution of this conflict through the theory of human Islam. The specific dimension of Human Islam will look at personal development of an individual through the paradigm of Imam al-Hu...

January 1, 2009 To all member Jamaats, In light of the atrocities currently occurring in Palestine, our grand Maraja has issued statement expressing concerns and highlighting the plight of the Palestinian people. Mumineen are requested to remember the Palestinian people in their prayers in these days as we commemorate and remember the tragedy of Karbala. By Grand Ayatollah Sistani: In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful. The beloved Palestinian people in the Gaza Strip have, since noon yesterday, been subjected to a vicious attack and to continual strikes that have resulted so far in hundreds of victims being martyred or wounded. This assault comes after a suffocating blockade to which this oppressed people has been subjected for several months. It had resulted in the creation of harsh humanitarian conditions as a result of lack of food, medicine, fuel and other necessities of daily life for the citizens. Mere verbal expressions of condemnation and disapproval of what is...

Diya for a scratch on the cheek = the price of two UK cows. I still had fooled myself into thinking that this was a miraculous reconciliation with my father. Evidenced by the friendly phonecalls, the regular phonecalls he makes to me. Always thinking of me, just wanting to hear my voice. I still thought that leaving a pair of white sandals and a Mandala kit in his house were the signs that I would return to Morden soon. If not September 2009, than early 2010. But he hasn't forgiven me. I should stop expecting he will. I don't know if I would, if the roles were reversed. Mamta is the cross my long-suffering mother has to bear, not my father. I must live here. Karachi is my place of habitation from 2008. There is no prospect of my leaving for atleast 5 years. That is when I will need to renew my UK passport and I might be able to afford a plane ticket then. InshaAllah the recession will have been contained by then. I will apply to that soul-sucking job for the US-based EDC organi...

Al-Hussain writes a missive to his childhood friend Habib ibn Madhaahir ."I would not call you here, but we are surrounded." He leaves for Karbala at once, he frees his slave but the freed man loves Hussain more than temporal freedom and goes with him. They both are slain while defending the banner of Islam. O Habib e Hussain. Glorified be your blood that purifies the soil of Karbala. Reminder Your mother is (justifiably) upset with you, Allah is upset. Your mother is angry at You, so is Allah. If your mother is forced to curse you, you are beyond God's Mercy, you are also accursed, the way all enemies of God are. Nine months in the womb. When your mother took care of you, she prayed for your life and health. When you nurse your old mother, you pray for her early release. Thank God, and thank your parents. For you can never repay the debt you have accrued from them. I have it easier than others. For God loves me, my mum adores me and constantly forgives and my dad loves ...