Isle of Skye

So on Saturday, we as a group released energies to do with sabotages to vulnerability, to success, to gratitude and to romance. And a lot of other things were released... control... other things... no point in documenting it all. I was in full 3D and so nothing magical was seen by moi. Then Ali, the 37 year old Irani guy texted me on Sunday but so late I wasn't in the mood for a chat. We spoke on Sunday and he went into "selling myself as a potential husband" so I told him please don't do that, let's just have a normal conversation. I think Ali might become a new friend... I would like that, I need friends in London. We spoke for an hour, it was good in the sense I have a lot more in common with him than with Imran. Healing, he likes to talk as well.... but not the hubby for me :) When he spoke about hope, I couldn't be present. Because it reminded me of Imran and I winced. Then today, I randomly open up a magazine at the Post Office and it s...

I finally made it there, an entire year after I could have gone to meet a special someone for a date, a cheesy rose and dinner - that Lebanese restaurant would have been lovely, if a little noisy All I need to do is walk 15 minutes to the Bushey Road motorway and take the K5 at 50 minutes past the hour and am there in approx 45 minutes - on a good day, I can take the train from Raynes Park or wimbledon and be there in 10 :) Good thing he doesn't live there anymore, lives in Feltham - I would have constantly fantasised about accidentally bumping into him while obviously he'd be at work like normal, God-fearing citizens of London :P I did fantasise about going into an opticians shop and it being the one that his brother Akber works in but then I ended up in waterstone's and looking through all the angel books and cards and loved them: card one said I'm a healer and know it, card 2 said I'm a speaker and use oration, even if it doesn't seem so right now, card...

Bonne anniversaire à moi! Madiha Muffin. I still have no words. I shall not be able to forget this day, even if I try really hard. What was going to be an extremely crappy day, you managed to turn it a complete 180 degrees into one of the best days. Who cares if I am alone today? You've shown me how generous YOU are and how much YOU care about me. My life is a movie today. I usually try to downplay how much I like being made a fuss off on my birthday. I'm such a sap! But the gesture is so... j'ai pas de mots. Mes belles fleurs And yesterday, my friend Saima gave me the Darren Hayes "Spin" CD, chocolates, cupcakes and her mum made me mince pasties and we had crisps and... sigh (even  when I told her we would defer the present-giving until I found something I wanted). She tried to cheer me up. She took time out of her busy life schedule, even though she was really tired, she didn't cancel and she ignored my gloominess (I was more Eeyore than...

Oh Transformer of the Hearts and Eyes, Oh Rotator of the Day and Night, Oh Regulator of situations and states, Change our state to the most excellent of states... Ya Muqalleb al-Qoloub wal-Absar, Ya Mudabber al-Layl wan-Nahar, Ya Muhawwel al-Hawl wal-Ahwal, Haww al-halana ila Ahsan il-Hal... I write this on the eve of my brand new spanking life. I've had the almost 100% conviction that I was completely over the man-boy for quite some time now. The day after I posted up the Sara Bareilles song, perhaps... or even earlier.... I've been  holding onto his presence in my life because I still wish we were on speaking terms.... that we were still good friends. As I've previously mentioned. I've been trawling my emails for a photo of his I might have forgotten to delete. Just so I could look at him again. Look into his eyes, etc... *shakes head at the height of my stubborn, deluded whims* Just now, I found one in the email I sent to Tazeen three weeks into the enti...

Thanks to a certain Muffin girl, I now have this on continuous replay. Smooth move, Madihu. Très suave and intuitive. Touché =) *big hug* Boy, am I glad I am almost over him. If I wasn't, this damned song would have made me sob like a baby. I guess it's good I'm continuing with the EFT tapping and releasing him with unconditional love and forgiveness. And that my sarky self is continually pressing the "Get over it, Sukaina" button. And I realise that my destinies lie somewhere else. Far beyond what I am currently limiting myself to. Sidra had told me after our first session way back in October to tap on these phrases: "Even though I have no idea what the future holds for me, I choose to trust that everything is working out for me..." "Release this resistance to self love, self worth... I choose to release it... Release it to the earth, release to the air..." And finally, "Even though, I am obsessed with him, I still deep...

Interesting how one of my major beliefs has been challenged. But, for once, it's a pleasant rule of the Universe being shown to me. We are all connected. Things, and people, that are meant to be in your life will come, go and, if when you need them or it's the right time, regardless of whether you're in for a wonderful or shitty time, they come back. All in the right time and place. It's happened with my friends, the true blue ones. Yup, that's you who are reading this right now. I should have realised. My numerology report says that I should let things come to me rather than force things, or grasp for them. Umair: I had crush on his beautiful almond-coloured eyes and whacky sense of humour in 1996. He found me on Orkut in 2006. Went AWOL in 2009. Came back in September 2010. Has gone AWOL again But, this time, I know he will come back. He's a positive energy in my life. Just have to figure out why or how. He's still a dumbass. But I like him! And...

And this is why I screen my friends very carefully... She When I first met her, I felt so intimidated. She is a fountain of knowledge, yet doesn't seem to be fully aware of it. She's super intelligent, and used a bunch of fancy words that would make any English lit&lang prof swell with pride. And she's sharp, honest and somewhat critical. And she scared the heck out of me.   And yet, at the same time, I was so fascinated by her. Still am. I remember wanting to shrink myself into a little doll-type figure and sit on her shoulder, observing how she interacted with the world around her. I wanted to impress her, and I felt that she screened her friends very, very carefully. I never thought I'd join that elite group. There's something about her that's just so attirant to me - she pulled me in and I'd never met anyone like her before. ---- That was our first meeting, at the Salon Garigue. Since then, we've had our ups and ...

I'm deleting all the emails I don't need. (OK, I need to clarify, the ones between Imran and myself are staying. They are the only tangible evidence now that any of this happened, and that it wasn't just a big huge figment of my overactive, romantic imagination! That I meant something to someone for a brief millisecond. And that I felt what love feels for the first time ever: safe, secure, accepting, affectionate...etc, etc.) I still regret not saving the chat convo we had on 10th September - my Eid, not his - I stupidly clicked the X button instead of the convert to email button on Yahoo Messenger. It was really sweet - the one where he told me he'd take me to Iraq even though I had told him we could be "friends" due to the istekhara, talked about the Khojas and how we both are so totally not Khoja (hahaha, we so are! He freaking uses the word "chumcho" to describe the insipid, insincere lackey-like behaviour manifested in our community - I wouldn...

... is why I thought it was OK to forsake his privacy and mine. I knew I was asking for help and advice. One person, two - maximum five. But every single ruddy person I have spoken to the past seven weeks, KNOWS his name and the gist of things. I hope he never finds out. It would be extremely hard to forgive. He'd probably do it, but not realise that I thought of it as my stuff, not his. Because I'm self absorbed like that. And I trust all of the people I told. Doesn't matter. Game over. I don't measure up to Mother Dearest! God, I wonder if I'll have the guts to tell him about his mother complex... lol . I thought it was only Paki -men, but apparently Khoja (or so adamant they aren't Khoja -like, but are) men are also prey to it. Not that I blame him. His mother seems like a really nice mother. And she's all any of the kids have had for 10+ years. God, I still, somehow, want to know about his family life. How sad am I? VERY. Sukaina , you've really, ...

Even if this is all bollocks, I've always gained wise insights from reading them. Smart people, these Taoists :) The good news is I've done my ironing and will study and go for a run and stuff today iA. Now if I could just find my pink pen to write Taz's birthday card. And my organiser so I can organise my week. Argh. Was fun being on the Time to Change website yesterday and contributing my experiences and wisdom to people :) Peace and healing to All and One xx Today's I Ching for Sukaina Juma The present is embodied in Hexagram 44 - Kou (Coming to Meet) : We see a female who is bold and strong. It will not be good to marry such a female. The second line, undivided, shows its subject with a wallet of fish. There will be no error. But it will not be well to let the subject of the first line go forward to the guests. The fourth line, undivided, shows its subject with his wallet, but no fish in it. This will give rise to evil. The situation is shifting,...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title.... I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?" Why indeed? I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :( So here's the stuff since Monday: I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word c...

The Emotional Alchemy book said it was good, the body releases that which needs to be released. I felt empty and unlovable for a bit, then the waterworks transformed into a soothing balm for the heart. I couldn't sleep, for the most obvious of reasons, even after listening to an hour of Darren Hayes, Keane and Atif Aslam . That's also partly because I shot down 60g of plain dark chocolate in one go yesterday while going through the emotional release. So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and.... If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded. And I contemplated. And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whisper...

And it doesn't help that I am female. As much as I try to claim my own power, the power differential is so vast, that... Am I too honest, too raw, too caring? Yes, yes, yes. Is it wrong to be like this? No, it's just you don't fit on this plane of existence. Whereby people settle for second best, whereby people suppress and deny and fumble around and know or not know and care or don't care and lie while being genuine and... Whereby my mind says one thing, my heart says another and God says a third and messes it all up. Whereby I can swear at God and He knows I don't mean it, but that's not evident to anybody else. To everybody else, I am a blasphemer. Your world is so expansive and I again feel stuck. But this time, it's because I've attached myself to the world. And what I think it has to offer. Sucks, but there you go. I want to sorta kill myself now, just to shut off the pain. Imagine me becoming a Samaritan. I could never become one; I...

I want you to know my entire Soul, my entire being.  I want my smile to be imprinted in your memoire for eternity. And yet. I seek the best from God. And it seems that there's a flaw in the system. I knew it was too easy to be true. The first time, with you ticking almost all the boxes? Cosmic playthings, we are. And He's laughing at our ignorance. Yet not ready to show His cards. Eh, ben. Quoi faire? Je lache tous les attachements à la mémoire et l'idéal de toi. Que sera, sera .

I've already texted Tazeen that I'm making her a cake. So I'd better make it for her then. I've decided on lemon cake. Still deciding between using the Madeira cake recipe or Delia Smith recipe. Quel confusant! I really TRULY hope it turns out perfect, because everyone deserves a nice birthday cake. The AllRecipes.com site said to use confectioner's sugar, a US term. On Wiki answers it said: Confectioner's sugar is the same thing as Powdered Sugar. However it also said that confectioner's sugar is powdered sugar with cornflour. So I have to decide between buying a packet of icing sugar or just grinding it and hoping for the best. I need to make the curd and the frosting before because they need to cool in fridge for three hours. I need loads of lemons. Argh! Ya Allah, this HAS to turn out good. I will be reciting fateha on it as well :)

On Friendship Kahlil Gibran And a youth said, 'Speak to us of Friendship.' Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the 'nay' in your own mind, nor do you withhold the 'ay.' And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught. And l...

I am feeling quite disconnected from myself. I have spent the better part of two years trying to figure myself out and had finally gotten somewhere, only to have returned to Karachi and lost most of who I was. The 'I' would have gone out for a walk and seen the duckies at the pond right now. But, then again, if I hadn't come here, I'd never have started yoga. I mean, I remember bringing home two library books but never even doing any of the poses. Here, at least I socialise a little, get thawaab for smiling and saying salaam alaikum to the yoga instructor and I get to spend time with mum (even if we don't actually say a word or make eye contact). It's just temporary, staying in Karachi. As long as I keep reminding myself that, I won't stress out and perhaps will control the anxiety I keep feeling. I'm just truly obsessed with this marriage idea because I think it will make me feel whole. Ahem. Even I know that one has to feel whole before they enter ...