Isle of Skye

I've lost connection with myself. It really feels unhealthy. It is. I guess I shall be patient until I regain the connection. I feel like crying, but I shall blame it on the clouds and on my tiredness. Once again, my insecurities are painting up an image of who I should be, of who I want to aspire to be, but am not because I am who I am. And I keep making all these errors of grammar, spelling and basic day-to-day communication, it's really getting to me. Having to put yourself out there but be guarded at the same time so that you're not too hurt is painful. It's a pain. It's real life. I hate it. I want my books and films back. I keep acting like someone I'm not. But I am that person. I act like... I don't know... but now I'm low and now I have to be kind to myself. I can't think thanks to the clouds and my own naivété. Stop blaming yourself, Sukaina. You are who you are. As you've said, you are all you have to offer. It really ...

... en force et les mois prochains seraint bleus, nulls, vides et très, très déprimants. It hit me today, I was watching Emma on tv at 7ish pm and it was already quite dark and quiet and it hit me. Oh my God. L'hiver est arrivé, forget the fact that daytime temperatures are still at 30+. So what can I look forward to over here in winter? SAD, even though it never goes below freezing here in the daytime. And I find myself wishing that I were in England, do not ask me why. It's really not as though life would be an ounce different there than here. Except maybe I'd go into town after the New Year and meet someone for coffee for a ruddy hour. And have a ready access to 39p chocolate which probably costs 60p now. No wonder I make myself depressed: I'm never contented where I am. Fuck. Now just because Umair is still in Newcastle, I want to go back to England. Because I envy him being there. What for? It's fucking cold there. Cloudy. Rainy. Same shitty place as it were l...

Who gives a shit? Except for me, who gives a damn? I am so defensive that I bring it up in almost any conversation. As a shield, as if begging them to let me be. Why do you want to be understood anyway? You're bland and ordinary. No fucking uniqueness within you whatsoever. Stop pretending that you are different. You're made of clay, you have a hypothalamus like everyone else. Nobody gives a shit: until and unless they've been through it, it's all words and shadow to them. You have to be at the bottom of the pile, because some people have to be. You're obviously not working at all for anything, dependent little twat that you are, so stop pretending it's anything different. You're a loser. I've read one-seventh of Anna Karenina and it's okay - something to do; at least later on I can say to myself "Well, I've read Leo Tolstoy and he's really good..." because I have only myself to talk to at any one point. Even if I get married, it...

According to my figure drawing analysis, these are the personality indicators, which as my psychologist told me, doesn't necessarily mean that I actually have them, but the propensity is greater for me to have these personality quirks as compared to any others. *Feelings of inadequacy or guilt over failure to act correctly or the inability to act at all (not enough space to draw right hand of figure) * Seductive (drawing of long eyelashes) * Breast fixation (because I drew a circular - V neck on the t-shirt - go figure!) * Problem with control of anger or primitive drives (drawing of long neck) * Aspirations exceeds opportunities * Environment viewed as excessively constraining * Regression * Oral eroticism * Dependency * Narcissism and paranoid delusions of grandiosity covered up by feelings of inferiority * Withdrawn * Lack of confidence in productivity or social contact * Inhibition * Inadequate virility * Refinement * Immaturity OK, so I am actually narcissistic (self-absorbed,...

I am so freaking depressed. And now I think it's just me making myself depressed. Removing myself from London has only shown me that I can't use my father's Bad Cop tactics as an excuse. The husband search is going nowhere and I am giving up. I ain't ever getting married anyway, so why pretend? I have all this time to read and to write and I just can't be bothered. The weather's become nasty now, with extreme dryness and dust clouds everywhere. I don't feel like going out anywhere. But I don't miss London, like I used to do when I came back from my holidays. I don't feel as though my birthright has been snatched away from me. London is nice and all, but what's the point if you can't enjoy it and exploit it for all it's worth? I only did things in the last week I was there. The best thing was Sheikh Arif. I am so glad I got to see him. Maybe I should listen to more of his lectures. He grounds me. Anyway, Travis. I am majorly pissed off at ...

I knew it wouldn't snow in London today. Or any day. And I am really, really glad it didn't. Instead, the sun is shining and the birds are chattering, just like yesterday. I've even done half of my suitcase, I'm feeling so fine. Some of my friends are telling me I am being unreasonable. I know I am. Why are you pointing out the obvious? To quote one (I tell you, it took a lot of self control not to delete it straight away): "Hopefully things remain stable for u here. But honestly saying she aint gonna change n if u still expect her to treat u like an adult without u taking responsibility then thats not justified. N i've seen no 1 is really happy with the way their families treat them but then v never consider how v treat our families..takes 2 to tango right...try finding a middle path to things. Its not impossible. Ure still lucky compared to the case studies v get..The 1 we heard today left me speechless... completely speechless... thats life. " Than...

Stupid freaks I have for parents. It's been absolutely aeons since they were married to one another and yet they hold such deep rooted grudges against each other. And it's mostly to do with fucking money. My mother. Argh. 'Oh, aren't you a smart girl, giving all your money to your father.' I said, 'It's a loan, he wanted to pay off the mortgage and will pay me back.' She said, 'Well, you're giving him all your money when I am here without any money.' 'Okay, as soon as I get my money, I'll give it all to you and never look at it again.' 'No, I have given the money to you and you very nicely give it to your father.' Fuck off. It's the same old shit, recycled and rehashed and served on a new platter. And my father is just as bad. 'I don't know why your mother from her rich background married me, a poor man.' 'She's not rich anymore.' 'Oh yes, your family is rich and you have t...

I will begin this by saying that it's raining moderately heavily outside. I've always said to myself, since November, each day, that it would be murder for me to wake up at 6 or 7 to this cold, enveloping darkness if I had a 9 to 5 job. I've felt sorry for the milkman who drives his float up Templecombe every morning, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 7 but always in the cold, in the dark. I feel empathy towards the train driver who drives the train through South Merton station at 12:30 am and then at 4 and then at 5. And yet, I feel proud of them; that they hold dignified jobs and work hard to earn their living. Especially the milk float man. I hope I am able to wake up one day to take a picture of the milk float. God knows, next time I'm here, they will have become obsolete. This is what I wrote to Umair yesterday: "Also, I'll have you know I don't make it a regular thing, beating up elderly, senile men. I'd tell you how it came to pass, but I'm just n...

WHAT IT’S LIKE Depression is not like anything. Words are symbols we use to communicate things, but their meaning is only distantly related to reality. Nothing is like anything. Everything is. Depression is knowing that. It is sitting at the kitchen table at two in the morning, unable to sleep for the fifth night in a row and wondering how you can get out from under life without hurting the people you love. Depression is knowing for a fact they’re delusional in loving you, being unable to deny that they do, and hating yourself for fooling them. Depression is feeling so bad about yourself you wish you didn’t exist, and being convinced that your existence is a terrible cosmic mistake. It is hitting that wall, knowing there’s nothing you can do short of killing yourself. Depression is walking the neighborhood in the night, relieved there are no streetlights because if someone sees you and asks what’s wrong, you won’t be able to understand them. It’s forgetting how to speak, when all you c...

Dipsomania: a compulsive desire to drink alcoholic beverages. A synonym for alcoholism, I suppose. I don't want to take any more of those happy pills. I just want to rot. You look at the bloody grad photo and you realise what a fucking waste of time it has been. Because it didn't teach you self-confidence and it didn't give you social skills. It didn't teach you how to analyse or be critical. It didn't teach you how to live. You would have given up after your third year. You really would have. In fact the breakdown process began two Aprils ago. Before Cuba. The sun has just made an appearance, as slight as it is. I should go down to the pond to give the ducks the stale bread. But I can't. My legs betray me. My soul betrays me. I can't go out without showering, now can I? Or rather. Just face it. You don't want to go out. You don't want to get better. There's nowt to look forward to because you don't belong here. Briony was right. One is eithe...

It was yet another gorgeous day today. Sunny like anything. But I was "recuperating" from yesterday's hysteria. Got my period today. Atleast, well, at least I am not cursed like that. He really is the Most Generous and Stable. Not Vengeful when He knows we are stupid and wasting our own pitiful lives. Green Wing is ACE! Only, I wish they had developed Mac and Caroline's relationship a little more. Because it so fast-paced...I don't even remember when they didn't get along with one another. But then again, it's a sitcom, not something priceless like North and South. If only I could create something like that. All I do is write diary entries and swear. I have been swearing like anything these days. I think my PMS/PMT has worsened as a result of this stupid citalopram I am now forced to take for lack of an alternative. Can't be bothered to write anything else. Am a waste of space and a lazy blimp. Just wanted to add...Mac is kind. He really got angry when...

I said I was questing for sanity. What a load of croc. I threw hysterics yesterday and can't really remember when was the last time I did this. Screaming like I had really gone mad. No inhibitions any more. Throwing a roll of toilet paper at the door. That's a good idea, mind you. I get the satisfaction of throwing something and not breaking anything. Except I am so sure the neighbours heard me, and I think one of them had guests over. I have really gone crazy. My dad said he thinks it's black magic. And this, after I decided not to believe in it. Christ. I lost it for an entire yesterday. I don't want do these things. The last thing I want to do is this. I have become a slave to my emotions and have no idea when this happened or why... I see myself as nice. Don't we all? As not wanting to harm; yet I do. God knows why I had to break down at this point in time. At 23, when I should be living out my youth, I am stuck on a bed, unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth. Not unde...