Isle of Skye

Okay. I'm doing it today. Based on a sudden thought that just came into my mind now.   I'm deleting all the emails, the photos, every chat session, every single last remnant, memory and attachment to Imran. I am erasing the entire Imran Lakha folder in my Yahoo Mail. Both his and my letters, including my last rude and angry one. Five entire months of my life. I feel that is the only way forward. The only way to truly heal. O healer, heal thyself... I no longer feel attached to him. No longer attached to every single word and photo and nuance and every single "Suki", term of endearment, joke, kindness, or angry word (mine). There's no searing pain, no voice screaming "No! You'll never get them back. Don't delete your old love letters!" (I read in an article somewhere that you should keep a hold onto your old love letters, because they will remind you of the love you were able to give and receive and of the happy times. I highly doubt tha...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

I'm doing a bit in the house and a bit in my inbox. Clearing clutter. Recycle, shred, donate, delete. It might have a ripple effect on my mind. And then I read an email I sent to Madiha on 11th July 2010. "Hey, I'm in a very sad mood today, so this email is coming from this place. I was thinking about you after our convo and Facebook stalked all your convo pics etc. Then, after writing in my blog, I went to see yours. Anyway, I didn't quite mention that I was looking for someone - I'm practically deceased at 26. *sarcasm here* So I'm on this stupid website. I say stupid because it's a futile thing to do.  Really weird people. I honestly don't know what's the point. The last guy said 'you look so simple in your photo but you've written such a long profile that I don't understand why you're so complicated....' I'm going to cut him off." BAHAHAHA! He doesn't understand why I am so com...

I've just deactivated Facebook. This low mood just prevails. So, what have I done today? One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though). Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.). Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger. It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts. Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next ...

The Path to God One night a man cried, "Allah! Allah!" until his lips became sweet with the sound. The Evil One approached him as he stood chanting, and asked, "How now, chatterbox? Where is the answer to your insistence? Who replies to you 'Here am I?' No answer comes from the Throne: how long will you mindlessly go on crying 'Allah?' " Broken-hearted, the man ceased his chant and lay down to sleep. In that sleep he dreamed a dream, and in that dream the holy mystic Khazir appeared before him in a green garden. The saint spoke: "Why have you desisted from the mention of God? How is it that you now despair of calling on Him?" The dreamer replied, "I ceased because no 'Here am I' was coming to me. I fear therefore that I may be turned from His door." Khazir answered, "God says: 'Your cry of "Allah" is itself My "Here am I," just as your pleading, agony and fervor are my Mes...

Maybe ten minutes of a stream of consciousness on the blog will help me get out of the funk I've been in the whole day. A low mood. I walked for 40 minutes, that didn't help. I sat in the library among other people; that didn't help. I even bumped into Carra and Amanda. Talked. That didn't help. I mean it did; but only sporadically. I guess it's good that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard, hard place. It means God will have to move mountains for me to be able to get un-stuck. Oh well. I made the most of last week's good feelings and karma. I really need a session with Sidra. Am just not getting it. Mind is a funk. I'll tap the SAD out of my system. There's something very interesting I am reading right now. Not all of our anger is ours. Especially women. If we have men in our lives who repress their emotions, their anger, their fears, their grief, their insecurities: it can pass on to us as energy in our auras and we feel irrational emotio...

I feel as though I should write a post. So here it is. Weekend was sleepy. Most of the week was sleepy. I've been kicked off welfare. I can contest the decision, but that would mean more stress. Oh, I don't know. When I read my numerology report, it makes me wish all of the good things would actually happen on the days it says they will happen. Especially when they say that romance and love are strong, someone admires you, you will meet someone new and important, good for career and work, misunderstandings are cleared up. I'd say it's about 17% accurate. Which is pretty crappy. I love my friends, by the way. All of them. The ones who call me and say "I don't want it to be a week without having either spoken to you or emailed you." My God. That touched the bottom of my heart, tickled it and sent ripples of love and joy throughout my entire being. Then, yesterday, Umair was online, so we were sending emails back and forth. About random stuff. And Arm...

Tarot Card Interpretation & Meaning - (20) Judgment Introduction: Judgment can be a card about jumping to conclusions, decisions and judgments. which are too hastily made. If you are prone to such things, this is a clear signal to slow down and give things more thought and to give people "more chances." This can be a real time of spiritual awakening.           General: In general, if you are the one tending to jump to conclusions, you can put a stop to it. If others are making these kinds of decisions about you or about someone you care for, there is really very little you can do, apart from realizing that it's their problem, not yours. Health: This is an important time to let go of the past and any wrongs that you perceive were done to you, particularly if you are dealing with chronic medical issues. Letting go of your need to be right will go a long way toward helping you to feel better. Besides, if ...

Interesting how one of my major beliefs has been challenged. But, for once, it's a pleasant rule of the Universe being shown to me. We are all connected. Things, and people, that are meant to be in your life will come, go and, if when you need them or it's the right time, regardless of whether you're in for a wonderful or shitty time, they come back. All in the right time and place. It's happened with my friends, the true blue ones. Yup, that's you who are reading this right now. I should have realised. My numerology report says that I should let things come to me rather than force things, or grasp for them. Umair: I had crush on his beautiful almond-coloured eyes and whacky sense of humour in 1996. He found me on Orkut in 2006. Went AWOL in 2009. Came back in September 2010. Has gone AWOL again But, this time, I know he will come back. He's a positive energy in my life. Just have to figure out why or how. He's still a dumbass. But I like him! And...

On a high yesterday, crashing today. I hate colds. They suck the living out of a person. I shall set my intentions for this week. "I am willing to let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me." Ignore and forget about Facebook until the 23rd of January 2010 i.e. 8 days from today. I can do it! Take that one course I will take. Yoga and meditation daily (starts tonight) Moon meditation at the full moon - this Wednesday. Will freeze my ass off, but must be done. Buy papers for my mandalas. Dance and sing daily. Walk daily. Eat raw as much as possible. Let go of chocolates and biscuits and crisps. Love celery and carrots! And eat less than I crave. Distract myself each time I think about Irish and his psycho girlfriend. Pray to Allah for forgetfulness and indifference. I have to be honest to at least myself: I'm romanticising everything, even after reading He's Just Not T...

Your Type Four EnneaThought for January 13th— Reflect on your childhood today. As a child, did you believe you were not like your parents? Did you feel that you were not "seen" by your parents and that you did not connect sufficiently with your parents? As an adult, what does this have to do with you now? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 182) As I've said myriad times before, these things just slap me in the face with a wet fish most days. I suppose it makes sense that I should send Reiki healing to my relationships with my father and my mother. Haven't really done that for ages. It's too hard sometimes, I choose to ignore and avoid dealing with them mainly because these are the two people I've been connected with since birth. A lot of effort is required in order to 'let things slide'. Living with my dad is hell, and I'm co-creating it on purpose, as part of my desire to annoy, to hurt him the way he hurts me. My mum, well, I guess we'...

I wonder if congratulations are in order for this bizarre occurrence! This Rukhsana Ahad girl is officially stalking me. Argh. I had blocked her. Then, for some stupid reason, I unblocked her. I just assumed that after telling Irish to tell her to back off, she'd just leave me alone. Even if he didn't tell her (which I know he mustn't have), she'd just leave me alone. Anyway, I couldn't see her info when she was blocked on my list. W/E. I'm bored. Any attention is something these days. I'll just pretend my intuition told me to unblock her. Then she ruddy goes and pokes me again this morning/last night. Argh. I went to block her again, but guess what? Block failed Sorry, it’s too soon to add this person back to your Block List. You’ll be able to complete this action once 48 hours have passed since you removed this person from your Block List. Have I mentioned recently how I hate the dictatorship of FB? I would be annoyed and irritated, but hey...

You've just gotta love being a Romantic. These psychology and personality people just bang the nail on the head. Every single time. Your Type Four EnneaThought for January 7th— Today, notice if you are playing the role of the "Special One," or the "Mysterious Outsider?" Do you need to base your self-image on how unlike other people you are? Does putting your own personal stamp on everything really make it more valuable? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 189) Although I haven't felt like that for a few weeks, I obviously feel like that and aspire to be that alarmingly often. Hating everything that is "generic", for starters. I have also made sure that Irish is aware that I'm not going to be a generic friend to someone who just adds people on FB at the drop of a hat, in my very blunt and aggressive manner. After the usual pleasantries, I said, in a formal, neutral way, that there's no reason for us to be friends since we don't talk an...

Now, even the Universe is against my embracing my femininity (and basic hygiene). I bought the pot of wax yesterday - cost me £9. Guess who was smart and misplaced the entire bag - the wax, along with my London map book and a few miscellaneous items I can't recall now while shopping for much needed lingerie in Debenhams in Wimbledon? Yes, Yeti i.e. moi. Argh, I'll go to Debenhams and pray they have a lost-and-found. And pray even more fervently that someone had mercy on the tatty "I used to be a plastic bottle" turquoise bag owner and gave it in. So, hairy Yeti is still in residence. Am too cheap to buy another pot tomorrow. Can epilate. Ha bloody ha. Or shave. Yuck. Oh, and yeah. This dropped in my inbox at 3:20pm today (thankfully, I've been out all day at a course and just checked my email four hours ago). Hi Sukaina, Imran Lakha wants to be friends with you on Facebook. Imran Lakha Thanks, The Facebook Team Somebody obviously...