Isle of Skye

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

"Life is a long lesson in humility" ~ J.M. Barrie I can't even find the words, because they all sound empty. I am disappointed with myself. For remaining human. For fumbling, for still being blind and still looking to others to make me feel good (or bad) inside. For still holding envy, arrogance, competitiveness, jealousy, neediness... For still wanting a life partner. Why should I? Am I not good enough as I am now? Who gives an EFF if he's "ahead" of me, holding his hand backwards towards me, to help me up (I didn't see it, soemone else did - and that's only her interpretation)? If my connection with Allah, my angels, spirit guides, prophets and Imams aren't there - then there's no point in focussing on anybody else, is there? He's not here now, he wasn't there my entire life, was he? Whoever Travis is. I'm still alone. I'm still trying to let go of Imran completely. I still have to make my own life. I'...