Isle of Skye

... is why I thought it was OK to forsake his privacy and mine. I knew I was asking for help and advice. One person, two - maximum five. But every single ruddy person I have spoken to the past seven weeks, KNOWS his name and the gist of things. I hope he never finds out. It would be extremely hard to forgive. He'd probably do it, but not realise that I thought of it as my stuff, not his. Because I'm self absorbed like that. And I trust all of the people I told. Doesn't matter. Game over. I don't measure up to Mother Dearest! God, I wonder if I'll have the guts to tell him about his mother complex... lol . I thought it was only Paki -men, but apparently Khoja (or so adamant they aren't Khoja -like, but are) men are also prey to it. Not that I blame him. His mother seems like a really nice mother. And she's all any of the kids have had for 10+ years. God, I still, somehow, want to know about his family life. How sad am I? VERY. Sukaina , you've really, ...

OK, the lady at the library - I'm going to get her name somehow, she ought to be sacked. TWAT. I will not let her treat me like the way she just did and get away with it again., She did it to me three years ago, she is NOT doing it to me again today. Fucking retard. Stop wearing that bloody corset and those fucking high heels and maybe you'll gain some humanity. Tarzan keeps asking me how I feel in my body. Right now, I feel a burning pain. In my neck, waves and waves of burning pain. And whenever I've written him the texts or the emails "letting him go", my left arm starts with the mercury type of feeling sweeping inside. I feel rotten for treating him like I have treated him. Poke, poke, poke. Punch, punch, punch. And all I want is to merge. But is he just convenient? I don't know if I like HIM for being HIM. It's an IMAGE, Sukaina , an IMAGE. A projection. Argh . I cannot let myself do that because I feel that I know it's too good to be true, that I...

...these entries I made three years ago. I think it’s vital for me to post them up here, at this time, on this day. 19 Aug 2007 Ma vie est merde. The weather has been cloudy since I came back. My father is as selfish and cocky as ever. My health is as poor as ever. My SAD has already begun. I MUST get a light box. I don’t trust my father – j’suis devenue vulnerable à cause d’etre isolée ici – sans ma mère . J’pense pas que j’ai la fortitude. J’sais pas. Je veux être mariée, mais la question est: comment, quand et avec qui? C’est vrai que j’ai l’espoir de trouver qqn, mais c’est autant vrai ce que dit ma mère: il n’y aura bcp d’offres. Le marriage à Birmingham est peut-être une ocassion ou je peux profiter, mais le coeur deprimée ne veut pas y aller non plus et pas avec le père. Les aspirations de travailler avec Oxfam et Amnesty sont devenues nulles. Je suis deprimée – je veux rien faire. Pourqui c’est inventi – la depression – les gens perdent une moitée de la vie, de la jo...

I really wish I wasn't thinking on this spiel. I've been thinking about how I am so old and how my life is wasting away. Not sure where I read this, oh yeah, it was in an encyclopaedia that a customer bought today from Oxfam. Is your life how you wanted to be? The answer is no. But then, when has it been? I am in a way better place than a year ago. I'm in London, I'm working (granted it's Oxfam and unpaid) but I get to help the third world. Oh, that's a cop out. It's been 5 months but I'm no longer a shell of a person. My ego is back. My voice is back. My backbone is back. I'm reading again. And it's so effortless. It's... wordless. Sally Brampton has taken all the words from me and made her book- what the heck do I have left? The book should be on the prescription list -well, I dunno. Not for those who are really depressed. I've been feeling so dissatisfied about working there. I need to find work that leads towards what I am...

Argh . I've been one of them, I still am - because obviously my family pushes all those trigger points. I always find my father extremely threatening, my aunt extremely intrusive and self centred and the list goes on but the funny and extremely scary thing is how little they self reflect . They just do not SEE what I see of their blindness. Now of course Jung would say that they are in me and yes, obviously, I have done the same kind of things and thought in the same manner as they have - BUT I am awakening and although still p'd off that's it's taken this long and so many chunks of my life to get here , I am slowly progressing. Some of the people I meet are out of mere circonstance rather than happenstance. They are guarded and so emotionally stunted and, again, so much more selfish that it really p's me off. Highly. I know that very few people have the levels of empathy I do, and can sustain it in a genuine manner rather than out of duty or out of guilt ...