Isle of Skye

Your Type Four EnneaThought for December 23rd Make this Affirmation today: "I now affirm that I am free of the damage of my past." Everything to do with the fucked up man-boy is now officially and permanently in the past . Exactly 4 months since he first sneakily charmed his way into my life. I set myself free from all attachments in this life and all previous and future lives. Thou art a toxic boy and thou ruineth my self-esteem. Thou art not good for me. Addiction, obsession, passive-aggressiveness and violence and anger: not good in a relationship. Up and down from the get go. Rukhsana sent you a message. Rukhsana Ahad 21 December 2010 at 22:18 can u please leave imran alone and find a new person in ur life otherwise please get back with him your choice....thanx Rukhsana sent you a message. Rukhsana Ahad 21 December 2010 at 22:19 why are u prank calling him? Me prank call you? HA! Khush fehmiyan, chhote bachhe. You should be so lucky. How utterly f...

Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 13 th — Remember that your cognitive error is to identify with your changing feelings and emotional states, especially negative ones. Since your feelings constantly change, your identity does as well, undermining many of your psychological needs. Notice this tendency in your thinking today. ( Understanding the Enneagram , 91) What do I feel, then? Flat. Numb. Non-existent. There have been emails exchanged between myself and Imran that I don't want to post up - they are too personal. Wow, Sukaina actually knows what privacy means again! In a nutshell, he asked me what I meant by us having a connection. I told him "It means what it says on the tin." (yes, very witty). So then he wrote - Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger ... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s t...

Today, explore the issue of boundaries. As a Four, are you so self-absorbed that you assume everyone is interested in your feelings and inner world? Can you refrain from talking about yourself so much—especially when it is not appropriate? Man, if anything was more geared towards my current frame of mind, it would be on a cactus rammed up my arse! I keep messing things up, don't I? Thank GOD for Sidra and Tazeen. You guys were God's way of saving my ass. From being the impulsive little weirdo that I am. I was totally nasha -o- fied . Insanity. Love is insanity. And it wasn't even love. Because, would I be getting over it so quickly? (Well, sort of.) It was desperation. Fear of abandonment kicked up like a little mule's legs. Or I was playing the part of an abused, feral kitten who wanted to love and be loved so badly, from the core of my entire being, but scratched and hissed and attacked Imran because he was a male who reminded me of the past pain. His being...

I've been so angry for the past day. Received a text on Thursday, but because my phone was off, didn't see it till 8:30 am on Friday. "Salaaammmm suki, how are you? how is life treating you? We haven't spoken in ages. Speak soon! Immy!" I mentioned that he caught me on FB chat on Monday. Well, I was eating lunch downstairs and he said Salaam Sukaina How are you? Then went offline like a wanker. I FB messaged him back. He came online again and we talked for 2.5 hours. As "friends". I might post the chat on at a later time. He thinks I'm a fucking yo-yo. This is him treating me like a little doggie-bitch. WTF? Why have I attracted such a wanker into my life???? Am I this bad? Is my Shadow really, really, really this bad? Burn, burn, burn. Heart and tummy and heart. SMOULDERS. And I haven't a clue what to do about this. How to answer. I wrote a long text, lambasting him nicely. Thankfully, Providence has made it such t...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title.... I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?" Why indeed? I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :( So here's the stuff since Monday: I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word c...

...these entries I made three years ago. I think it’s vital for me to post them up here, at this time, on this day. 19 Aug 2007 Ma vie est merde. The weather has been cloudy since I came back. My father is as selfish and cocky as ever. My health is as poor as ever. My SAD has already begun. I MUST get a light box. I don’t trust my father – j’suis devenue vulnerable à cause d’etre isolée ici – sans ma mère . J’pense pas que j’ai la fortitude. J’sais pas. Je veux être mariée, mais la question est: comment, quand et avec qui? C’est vrai que j’ai l’espoir de trouver qqn, mais c’est autant vrai ce que dit ma mère: il n’y aura bcp d’offres. Le marriage à Birmingham est peut-être une ocassion ou je peux profiter, mais le coeur deprimée ne veut pas y aller non plus et pas avec le père. Les aspirations de travailler avec Oxfam et Amnesty sont devenues nulles. Je suis deprimée – je veux rien faire. Pourqui c’est inventi – la depression – les gens perdent une moitée de la vie, de la jo...

How does someone go from having no options or ambition to having to choose between two or even three things to do and wanting to do them all and knowing that’s impossible in the material, quantum realms and only possible in the virtual realm and you are so damned, damned far away from doing that! (Read “How to know God” by Deepak Chopra then you’ll totally get what I’m saying!) I want to take the entire course at Minster Centre, because the focus on transpersonal, humanistic and integrative counselling and operate two clinics, one specifically for refugees and one for sufferers of domestic abuse. I’m sure I don’t need to sell you further on that one, right? But I also want to take a structurally similar but materially different course at the CCPD (Centre for Counselling and Professional Development) because it focuses on Sufism and spirituality in therapy and dream interpretation and alchemy of relationships and life crises and - omg - it’s like it was created for me. Bo...

Okay, so even though my mum has clarified twice that this statement was made five years ago and it was just a random suggestion to Zuli, it still pisses me off. Are you planning on getting married to a girl or her father? Basically, apparently his grandma suggested 5 years ago that he think about getting married to me and he said, "Ibrahim Uncle is a very difficult person and if I got married to Sukaina, he would make my life hell..." Okay, mate. Whatever. You're the one who has a psycho ex-girlfriend still stalking you. Anyway, I don't think his family knew about the girlfriend situation at the time, which is why he said something as retarded as that. But it's made me wonder if my inheritance from my parents is their ignominy or notoriety. Fucking hell, if that's the case then it's a full circle - that not only do I not want to get married to a Khoja person, but that no Khoja guy would want to get married to me. Everyone in London (at least at Hyderi Isl...