Isle of Skye

I've envisioned myself being run over by a car or a bus three times already today. All in one day. I need help. Should I make a GP appointment tmrw? What fucking use will they be? Shall I call Samaritans? I don't know...... it's all coming back, all of it. Mostly it's the SAD, but the fucking stress doesn't help either....

Storms in England, storm in Karachi. Thunder. Clouds. Strong winds. Bomb blasts in Lahore and Islamabad, no longer just in Karachi. Lost any inspiration to write. I don't know why I continue to write to Umair. Makes no ruddy sense. I wanted to take more than one sleeping pill yesterday, so it's a good thing my mum was there and had an inkling (not that I have ever been able to hide my emotions, they like staying on my sleeve). I told her to hide them and to keep giving me one each night. Then she felt guilty and slept in my bed at night. So I told her, "Am I only bearable when I am unconscious?" No hugging or anything, mind you. Huge thunderclap. A mother of storms, which equals to flooding since we don't have any proper sewerage draining system. This also means the phone lines and the Internet will be disconnected for a few days. Oh, joy. And probably the electricity and the television cable. Well, at least I have a few Shakespeare plays and some ruddy romance no...

Well, since I seem to be thinking more in depth than usual, let's ask a difficult question. Well, the question, of course, is easy enough but my ability to give an acceptable answer is nonexistent. The preamble: you are 23 years old according to the solar calendar, but 24 according to the lunar calendar and, somehow, that should be given more importance. You are a 'Female' 'Pakistani' 'British' 'Asian' with an undergraduate degree in 'English' (linguistics and Language Teaching certificate for non-English areas). You passed up a chance to earn £5,000 a year working as a library assistant, when (at this moment of writing) it seems as though you might have been able to do what was written in the JD. Especially when they were looking to specifically recruit Asians. Well, you've already passed that up. You're 'moderately depressed'. You have no faith in the NHS system, in fact you are almost entirely sure that this CBT won't w...