Isle of Skye

My friend Fatima's father died today in Karachi, just a few days after they had removed a brain tumor and he was recovering well. She's only 24. I always get too emotional and I usually don't know what to say or how to say it. I might have to do Ashura at Stanmore this year. Might. Because I have to go and visit her in North London. The majlis would be on Thursday night, most probably. Meaning, I'd have to stay over at Uncle Murtaza's house overnight and then Ashura is the next day. I dunno. This sucks. Now I've got to stop being self indulgent and figure out how best to be a good friend to her. I'm one of the few people here who are her friends from back home. Think. How to be there for a friend when their father has just died and they are 8 1/2 months pregnant? OUCH. This is the third (or fourth) death in their family this year. Her uncle died in the plane crash in Islamabad 5 months ago. Someone died a month or so before that. BAD YEAR ...

Suki, now you can truly grieve and gain closure - c'est finis!!! Try to smile through your tears, ok? It was never going to happen. You're still too screwed up. You have so many other important things to do with your life than meet someone, marry, have sex..... ewwwwww gross! It was too Khoja a set-up anyway. You didn't even have the guts to meet him. Little girl. Little delusional girl. Well, at least this brought Sidra and EFT into your life. And clarity and God's support about your life purpose. And you were happy for a little while. Be kind to yourself and stay away from the junk food shit. Please. And away from traffic - that's easy enough: I'm at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today 14:55 :P "even if you cannot be nice"? How much of a domantrix do you imagine me to be? argh 14:55 a very big one! lol 14:55 replace with meanie 14:55 lol Inshallah i'll remember that one how are you? 14:56 Well, I can say the same about you :P 14:56 lol :) seriousl...

I've envisioned myself being run over by a car or a bus three times already today. All in one day. I need help. Should I make a GP appointment tmrw? What fucking use will they be? Shall I call Samaritans? I don't know...... it's all coming back, all of it. Mostly it's the SAD, but the fucking stress doesn't help either....

And it doesn't help that I am female. As much as I try to claim my own power, the power differential is so vast, that... Am I too honest, too raw, too caring? Yes, yes, yes. Is it wrong to be like this? No, it's just you don't fit on this plane of existence. Whereby people settle for second best, whereby people suppress and deny and fumble around and know or not know and care or don't care and lie while being genuine and... Whereby my mind says one thing, my heart says another and God says a third and messes it all up. Whereby I can swear at God and He knows I don't mean it, but that's not evident to anybody else. To everybody else, I am a blasphemer. Your world is so expansive and I again feel stuck. But this time, it's because I've attached myself to the world. And what I think it has to offer. Sucks, but there you go. I want to sorta kill myself now, just to shut off the pain. Imagine me becoming a Samaritan. I could never become one; I...

Well, since I seem to be thinking more in depth than usual, let's ask a difficult question. Well, the question, of course, is easy enough but my ability to give an acceptable answer is nonexistent. The preamble: you are 23 years old according to the solar calendar, but 24 according to the lunar calendar and, somehow, that should be given more importance. You are a 'Female' 'Pakistani' 'British' 'Asian' with an undergraduate degree in 'English' (linguistics and Language Teaching certificate for non-English areas). You passed up a chance to earn £5,000 a year working as a library assistant, when (at this moment of writing) it seems as though you might have been able to do what was written in the JD. Especially when they were looking to specifically recruit Asians. Well, you've already passed that up. You're 'moderately depressed'. You have no faith in the NHS system, in fact you are almost entirely sure that this CBT won't w...