Isle of Skye

Gradually imploding on the inside. Gotten used to doing nothing, being nothing. Days merge, weeks merge, months even. Same old dipshit. I've dropped the positive activities but at least haven't started too many bad ones. Except that of wasting time and not helping. I'm sure there are others. Going to once again have to unlearn the things that were self-taught. They make no sense anymore. Not that the things unlearned before will be useful again. So it's this constant process of learning, trusting one's gut, only to be forced to unlearn in the face of others' experience and knowledge. So lonely. Dislike myself, dislike others. Not there for myself, not for others. But that's another hypocritical tangent. Just found out that dysthymia treatment takes 2-5 years, both pills and talk therapy. Can't go to a friend's wedding. Not even sure I want to anymore. Incoherence, lack of coordination, desperation to be pitied and sympathised with, no social intellig...

Jo bhi haddein thhi , saarey paar kardi mein ne . Jo teen maheene pehle soch bhi nahin kar saki , paar kardi . I am a regular free-loader, pill-popper, unsociable isolate. All my understanding about dysthymia was incomplete; thanks to my own stubbornness I am an entire year behind where I could have been. Maybe I didn't even have to leave London, if these bloody pills had worked in the first three months. I appreciate my GP doing what I was comfortable with, however I'm still a child and should have just let her do her thing. Questioning the pills - the whole world is on them. And why the fuck was I so scared of taking Prozac; because it made me suicidal? Wasn't that the whole point of my existence then? What a fucking disappointment I am, even as a depressive. Can't even do that right. And now I have no will to kill myself because it's going to be worse there than here. I mean, seriously, my entire year has been wasted in fruitless dreams. I don'...

Bounty bar: a person who's deliciously choc brown outside, creamy white coconut inside. I have loads of Bounty bar days, but it hits worse when I am here and batters my head in on the 14th of August - Indi Day. Wear green, sing songs, wave a flag, do something for the country. Bloody ha. Spent the entire day not doing much, reading Tolstoy and mulling over unfortunate realities that have come to my knowledge. Feeling the gravitational pull, a result of changing the amount of pills to pop. Il me manque. Parce qu'il m'a nommé une idiote sans peur. Il a pensé que j'suis qq'un qui ne doit pas avoir une raison d'être, mais seulement j'dois être. Donc, je rêve de lui qqtemps. C'est bon, d'avoir un beau des rêves - j'dois pas vraiment avoir un contact, mais je peux sentir des maigres sentiments d'amour, de sécurité et de se pour fier. J'en sais pas. She's right about one thing: most of us will eventually just settle, because waiting for or ...

Who gives a shit? Except for me, who gives a damn? I am so defensive that I bring it up in almost any conversation. As a shield, as if begging them to let me be. Why do you want to be understood anyway? You're bland and ordinary. No fucking uniqueness within you whatsoever. Stop pretending that you are different. You're made of clay, you have a hypothalamus like everyone else. Nobody gives a shit: until and unless they've been through it, it's all words and shadow to them. You have to be at the bottom of the pile, because some people have to be. You're obviously not working at all for anything, dependent little twat that you are, so stop pretending it's anything different. You're a loser. I've read one-seventh of Anna Karenina and it's okay - something to do; at least later on I can say to myself "Well, I've read Leo Tolstoy and he's really good..." because I have only myself to talk to at any one point. Even if I get married, it...

According to my figure drawing analysis, these are the personality indicators, which as my psychologist told me, doesn't necessarily mean that I actually have them, but the propensity is greater for me to have these personality quirks as compared to any others. *Feelings of inadequacy or guilt over failure to act correctly or the inability to act at all (not enough space to draw right hand of figure) * Seductive (drawing of long eyelashes) * Breast fixation (because I drew a circular - V neck on the t-shirt - go figure!) * Problem with control of anger or primitive drives (drawing of long neck) * Aspirations exceeds opportunities * Environment viewed as excessively constraining * Regression * Oral eroticism * Dependency * Narcissism and paranoid delusions of grandiosity covered up by feelings of inferiority * Withdrawn * Lack of confidence in productivity or social contact * Inhibition * Inadequate virility * Refinement * Immaturity OK, so I am actually narcissistic (self-absorbed,...

If you do not want what I want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong. Or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them. Or if my emotions seems less or more intense than yours, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel other than I do. Or if I act, or fail to act, in your manner of design for action, please let me be. I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up trying to change me into a copy of you. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself up to the possibility that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right - for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated and disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And one day, perhaps, in trying to un...