Isle of Skye

One can hope. And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind? Do I really treat other people like that? Of course. And I am sorry. I don't know why I still do it. I'm trying so very, very hard. So hard, I am. So hard. And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people. I don't want to do that. I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons? I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense th...

I'm writing here to shift all that has gotten triggered within me since this morning. How I wish I could open up the locks that are on the doors to my true life, the core of my being and doing. How I wish I could act wisely and with full awareness and mindfulness all the time. And I have to accept and embrace my humanness. How easy it is to feel so good and capable of helping others to transform their lives and then to trip over the same stumbling block of spiritual arrogance. I, once again, fell back into that old, ragged pattern of trying to impose healing on others according to how well certain methods have worked for me. And look at how easily I feel good one day and so I ignore the fact that it's always me who needs the healing the most, and that I am always going to be the only one who is willing to receive all the healing I can get through the ways I have learned are working for me now. They don't work for everyone. So, why would I insist? Who cares if...

Last Monday, Art chose a crystal mined in Brazil for each of us. Or, rather, the crystal chose us. It was a fun game. He kicked us out of the room, and when we got back, they had set up a table. There were twenty upturned mugs with a number besides them. In each was a crystal he'd brought from Brazil that had been attuned with healing energies. We each had to go around the table, without touching the mugs (he made us take an oath on that!) and see which were the three crystals we were most attracted/drawn to. You can feel the different energy vibrations for each crystal. Then Art was going to make the final decision; it could be we were right, or that someone else needed the crystal more than us, or that he felt we needed a completely different stone altogether. I was drawn to four crystals, the first I was sure was the strongest, second I had to decide between two, and third was easy to guess. I am happy to report that #9 was first on my list and #9 was the one I finally...

I always post when I am down and feeling trapped and screeching for release. Today, I am blogging because I feel good, without knowing why. Nothing outer has changed - yet. Must be all the inner stuff. Yesterday's Successes: * I did my EFT tapping yesterday. For a good 10 minutes. After absolutely months. * I cooked bhindi/okra. * I felt like making some more mandalas or taking up painting. Haven't actually done it, but it's the inspiration that turns into reality sooner or later... * I stopped criticising myself for a little while about the fact that I still love Imran (rather, the idea of him) and still am deluding myself into thinking we'll be together, that the story hasn't quite finished. I keep thinking I'll randomly bump into him on the Tube, or somewhere in Central London. In spite of the fact that I now am convinced that I'm a nothing in his life now. He never even read all of my emails - a fact confirmed by both Tazeen and Sidra. An...

That is how much of my energy is solely mine: inside of me, in my aura, in my energy field. Just freaking eight per cent. That means 92 per cent is my parents, my religious upbringing, school and everyone else's. Sigh. Other people raised their vibrations to 40 and 50 per cent after doing the releasing exercises. Pas moi. I went to an introductory evening for Art Giser's Energetic NLP work last Thursday (that where we did all the kooky, visualisation stuff - I'll post it on my O Healer blog soon). It was fruitful. I felt that I had finally stepped into the world I was born to be part of, into the way of living that is attuned to mine: that I had finally "arrived". I was where I belonged. I made sense. I was on the right path. Finally. It was a full moon night as well, which I love! I couldn't have planned it better, to be honest. Lots of stuff happened, I learnt quite a bit: some of which I don't think I should have learned - only because it i...

Je ne dois pas m'expliquer à personne. I don't have to bend over backwards so as to not offend. I can swear as much as I bloody well want to. I don't have my hands bound to my neck with chains, nor are my legs shackled to a wall inside a Khoja-run mosque. I don't have to initiate any more emails, online chat sessions, texts or phone calls. (Prank calls, my ass.) And I don't have to respond to them either, and eat up my pay-as-you-go credit. I don't have to bleed my heart and soul dry for an emotionally frigid piece of meat. I don't have to make up the perfect relationship in my head while completely rejecting and avoiding what was real because of my neuroses and fears and anger. I can satisfy my highly idealistic and romantic daydreams without touching reality (or a man) for a while longer.  I don't have to send you metta or reiki or take out your I Ching anymore. I can call and label you whatever I want: wanker, man-boy, mama's boy...

And I have my snow boots :) OK, I grant you, they aren't very sturdy for country walking, but they will do for today. I'm going to make a snow kitten in my front yard! *JUMP JUMP JUMP* After spending four years in Toronto, I really never thought I'd love snow again. *grins*

... when anyone says that, it means it's going badly. It's all messy and you've obviously "screwed up". So, you know what's been happening this weekend. Well, little Suki is learning. I am trying to take this at a meta aware level. Looking at myself as one looks at children playing. Seeing the tantrums, the emotional ways I've acted. I kidnapped 15 books from Farhat Apa - this weekend was one of those weird, flowing ones. I just hope I was able able to spread healing and Reiki around, even though I was sleep-deprived. I finally called and spoke to him yesterday. He has such a gorgeous, typical, North London, Khoja voice. A really sexy voice... sigh, Sukaina, be-HAVE! ;) He told me he avoids conflict, which is just great for me. He told me my emails were a little exasperating. I said "You can't just say that and not elaborate" He said they are 2 page emails and he just has to read and read and read. But I wasn't my usual charming ...

How does someone go from having no options or ambition to having to choose between two or even three things to do and wanting to do them all and knowing that’s impossible in the material, quantum realms and only possible in the virtual realm and you are so damned, damned far away from doing that! (Read “How to know God” by Deepak Chopra then you’ll totally get what I’m saying!) I want to take the entire course at Minster Centre, because the focus on transpersonal, humanistic and integrative counselling and operate two clinics, one specifically for refugees and one for sufferers of domestic abuse. I’m sure I don’t need to sell you further on that one, right? But I also want to take a structurally similar but materially different course at the CCPD (Centre for Counselling and Professional Development) because it focuses on Sufism and spirituality in therapy and dream interpretation and alchemy of relationships and life crises and - omg - it’s like it was created for me. Bo...

I need guidance and direction, I need to get over the side effects of the clearing out process. I need balance and stability and the abandoning of superstitions and or magical thinking, such as false love or comradeship. I need to start the creative process all over again. I need God and I need to not a waste a moment more of my life. I need to become fluent in le français and reconnect with those I've left or have chosen to be left behind. Like, how accurate are the internet tarot, runes and bibliomancy? why am i putting so much effort into them? Why am I putting so much effort into Umair? Why can't I just QUIT him? Is it boredom? along with all the other fathomable psychological and spiritual crises and ego stuff. Why am I longing for an irresponsible and confused 18 year old boy just because of his good looks? That's squalid. not the 18 year old bit, the good looks bit. I will choose to marry wisely, IA. Let's see what kind of image I choose to protray here today. It...