Isle of Skye

It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating. A few minutes later... Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please. Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !...

For the past two days, when I have been out and sitting by a tree to release energies, my heart starts hurting and I start crying and crying and crying.... I've scared two men and they have asked me if I am okay, and I stop crying, smile and say "Yes, I'm fine, thank you." Yesterday's grief was Imran. Still miss him, still regret him. Jesus. I really miss being in love and being cared for and receiving blue font emails and texts and cat photos and... damn.... Umair, Imran, Osama and now Ali... Using my words to tell them to back off or to tell them to come close and then tell them to back off. A part of me doesn't want the rest of me to be in a fulfilling relationship with a man because I am so scared. I sent Ali a text around 9pm last night to ask how he was doing. I had asked permission to send him healing the night before because he got home really late and was tired, so I was being of "love and assistance" - I mean, he's got cerebra...

I'm going to see if the poem comes out; if it doesn't that's okay My quest for recognition through the other blog has begun to leave a sour taste in my mouth Especially after yesterday's blog I guess I can take a break, if I'm meant to get a job or fame on that basis, there's enough on it for now - but it really wasn't a quest, not all of it, some of it just came out and had to be published *sigh* why do I sound like a freak when I say these things? I've lost it, yesterday I completely lost it and I really dislike that hysterical person, that shadow, the not in control childish, bothered by everything person - why? Because she is the reason why people run away - she is the shadow of who I was last year, she's the saddo who still remembers dates and then repeats them to dear yet abused friends on the phone (yes, Ash, you!) or writes them on the blog Do you wanna know today's date? The text he sent me saying he missed speaking to me and w...

I tried really hard not to call myself names yesterday while writing in my journal. I did quite well, until the very end. I called myself a loser face. But, this too shall pass. I'm turning 27 years old in approximately six weeks time. Still in the same place I was a year, two years, three years, 6 years ago. It's literally unbelievable. I just can't believe it. I keep bursting into heartfelt tears. Usually while in the shower (well, hey, at least I'm showering daily). I need to find a way to have computer and Internet access for 16th March, Wednesday night for my clearing call. I can't afford to miss it. I can either ask Sameera or Aunty Aziza. Shame it's a weeknight, but I have no choice. I can't afford to miss it. What a loser. A whole week and my mood is the same, I'm doing the same things. Well, actually, not true. I'm crying a lot more. I'm feeling sad more often. I'm noting what I lack more frequently. I'm avoid...

Only my tear-soaked pillow is witness to my pleading, begging and wailing for Your mercy, help, guidance and abundance. I trust You will answer in due course. I have no other choice. ~~~ She was right: when you're alone, crying in the dark of the night, there's just you and no-one else. No effing one. ~~~ But, funnily enough, yesterday I finally found some Rumi-inspired comfort in that shattering solitude. It forces you to bleat "Allah" and "Help me" again and again, and communicate solely with Him. No one else is there to depend on, you don't look to His servants to unravel only what He can. You know that if any help is to come, it's only by His Grace and Might. And if it is withheld, that too is a result of His Knowlege and Mercy. Honestly, if I hadn't bought that cute Alan Titchmarsh bucket radio at the Bits and Bobs shop last Saturday, I really don't know how I would have survived last night. Radio DJs are idiots and say the daft...

Why so low? Why so dejected? Why so sad? It's been three weeks since this sadness has hijacked you and you're still like this. There are moments, many of them, when you can laugh and feel free. But then you revert. I cry in the shower; I cry while listening to du'a; I cry when I see how different my life is to how I would like it to be; I cry when I realise I still haven't done a thing toward getting a job; I cry when I see my loneliness; I cry when I see the pieces of my jigsaw self strewn all over the carpet and I have no energy to pick them up and piece them together. Again. And I still cry when I think of him. And then I cry more because he never liked me. And is obviously not being tormented by memories, the way I still am. Mind you, I do realise that I create my own suffering. I'm the masochistic dominatrix, remember? But it doesn't help with Valentine's Day being stuffed down my throat. Gag me with a spoon, please. And stupid things keep h...

I've just deactivated Facebook. This low mood just prevails. So, what have I done today? One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though). Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.). Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger. It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts. Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next ...

Maybe ten minutes of a stream of consciousness on the blog will help me get out of the funk I've been in the whole day. A low mood. I walked for 40 minutes, that didn't help. I sat in the library among other people; that didn't help. I even bumped into Carra and Amanda. Talked. That didn't help. I mean it did; but only sporadically. I guess it's good that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard, hard place. It means God will have to move mountains for me to be able to get un-stuck. Oh well. I made the most of last week's good feelings and karma. I really need a session with Sidra. Am just not getting it. Mind is a funk. I'll tap the SAD out of my system. There's something very interesting I am reading right now. Not all of our anger is ours. Especially women. If we have men in our lives who repress their emotions, their anger, their fears, their grief, their insecurities: it can pass on to us as energy in our auras and we feel irrational emotio...

On a high yesterday, crashing today. I hate colds. They suck the living out of a person. I shall set my intentions for this week. "I am willing to let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me." Ignore and forget about Facebook until the 23rd of January 2010 i.e. 8 days from today. I can do it! Take that one course I will take. Yoga and meditation daily (starts tonight) Moon meditation at the full moon - this Wednesday. Will freeze my ass off, but must be done. Buy papers for my mandalas. Dance and sing daily. Walk daily. Eat raw as much as possible. Let go of chocolates and biscuits and crisps. Love celery and carrots! And eat less than I crave. Distract myself each time I think about Irish and his psycho girlfriend. Pray to Allah for forgetfulness and indifference. I have to be honest to at least myself: I'm romanticising everything, even after reading He's Just Not T...

My enneagram email today asks me: "As you approach the start of a New Year, reflect back on the past one to see how you've grown and what issues still block your way to a deeper transformation. Has there been a theme during this past year and do you see a pattern for your future challenges?" God, what the heck is with all this deep thinking, soul searching, pattern breaking, feeling emotions but not wallowing in them? Walking home today from Morden, and I passed the same fences from my childhood. I would swipe my hand over them and get splinters. The same trees I'd smile at. The same houses I wished I lived in, because the people seemed to belong, to be more "together" and to be "happier" than what my own reality was. I would like to be that child again. Shrug off all the burdens, the stress, the pricking sense of foreboding, that the house of cards will fall to the floor if I relax. Whoa, back in that pattern again, I see. On Groovesha...

The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year... It's just shown me things don't come easily. Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam. Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break. Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly. I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction. I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back. I want my faith in my deen Islam back. But that's what I want. Only You know what I need. It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children. Why? I'm...

My friend Fatima's father died today in Karachi, just a few days after they had removed a brain tumor and he was recovering well. She's only 24. I always get too emotional and I usually don't know what to say or how to say it. I might have to do Ashura at Stanmore this year. Might. Because I have to go and visit her in North London. The majlis would be on Thursday night, most probably. Meaning, I'd have to stay over at Uncle Murtaza's house overnight and then Ashura is the next day. I dunno. This sucks. Now I've got to stop being self indulgent and figure out how best to be a good friend to her. I'm one of the few people here who are her friends from back home. Think. How to be there for a friend when their father has just died and they are 8 1/2 months pregnant? OUCH. This is the third (or fourth) death in their family this year. Her uncle died in the plane crash in Islamabad 5 months ago. Someone died a month or so before that. BAD YEAR ...

Suki, now you can truly grieve and gain closure - c'est finis!!! Try to smile through your tears, ok? It was never going to happen. You're still too screwed up. You have so many other important things to do with your life than meet someone, marry, have sex..... ewwwwww gross! It was too Khoja a set-up anyway. You didn't even have the guts to meet him. Little girl. Little delusional girl. Well, at least this brought Sidra and EFT into your life. And clarity and God's support about your life purpose. And you were happy for a little while. Be kind to yourself and stay away from the junk food shit. Please. And away from traffic - that's easy enough: I'm at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today 14:55 :P "even if you cannot be nice"? How much of a domantrix do you imagine me to be? argh 14:55 a very big one! lol 14:55 replace with meanie 14:55 lol Inshallah i'll remember that one how are you? 14:56 Well, I can say the same about you :P 14:56 lol :) seriousl...

http://www.cafeastrology.com/venusretrograde.html Also: Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 7 th Make this Release today: "I now release dwelling on the past to prolong my feelings." ( Enneagram Transformations , 63) I'm never going to have anyone write me emails in size 12, Times New Roman, medium blue font ever again.... sigh. OK, now try to get out of it. It was never real! You use your thoughts to stimulate feelings.

I freaking HATE being a Four. And I also dislike painful, spot-on synchronicity: Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 6 th — Fours long for an ideal mate. They will idealize someone but as Fours get to know the person better, they will become disenchanted, realizing the other is not the perfect "parent" who will rescue them. Fours will lose interest and resume their search and fantasies. Today, reflect on this pattern in your life. What in you wants to maintain it? ( Personality Types , 141) How do I become centred, whole and Adult? Fucking hate it - never falling in love again. It's just too stupid :p I was living an OK life without it. Honestly. Life goes on. If I'm honest, although I'm saying I'm over him, I'm holding hopes of a reconciliation because of the ruddy horror-scopes and the fact that he keeps "liking" my FB statuses. Aaaaaargh.... I hate this!!!! I do!!!! I need it to GO.... Weather's very weird, I...