Isle of Skye

...I choose to let go of the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. (again, and again, and again.... until it feels like my second nature and I can truly let go of the past...) This past weekend, I've once again searched for signs or seen things and immediately associated with him. And some of them had nothing to do with them, I just had filed incorrect information in my mind. * going to Old Street and thinking I'd bump into him... when actually, I've just googled it and the Cisco office is in Moorgate and he works at the main office in Feltham anyway... that's why he bloody moved there in the first place, idiot! * seeing a doberman on Saturday morning * seeing a guy who was of similar height and skin tone on Monday... * the Tracy Chapman song Change popping to my attention on Youtube on Tuesday evening - it's a good one, though. So, thanks for intro-ing me to her, Immy. * coming across the word Feltham randomly on Wednesday morni...

Oh Transformer of the Hearts and Eyes, Oh Rotator of the Day and Night, Oh Regulator of situations and states, Change our state to the most excellent of states... Ya Muqalleb al-Qoloub wal-Absar, Ya Mudabber al-Layl wan-Nahar, Ya Muhawwel al-Hawl wal-Ahwal, Haww al-halana ila Ahsan il-Hal... I write this on the eve of my brand new spanking life. I've had the almost 100% conviction that I was completely over the man-boy for quite some time now. The day after I posted up the Sara Bareilles song, perhaps... or even earlier.... I've been  holding onto his presence in my life because I still wish we were on speaking terms.... that we were still good friends. As I've previously mentioned. I've been trawling my emails for a photo of his I might have forgotten to delete. Just so I could look at him again. Look into his eyes, etc... *shakes head at the height of my stubborn, deluded whims* Just now, I found one in the email I sent to Tazeen three weeks into the enti...

I just think it's the final shedding of the old skin and the old life that used to be mine... So bear with me for a little while longer... I can't paste these to my Facebook profile just at the moment, I've already been flooding it with The Corrs music videos for Saint Paddy's Day... I'm painting my life by music these days. Anyway, I end up deleting everything afterwards :p I'm not feeling the depth of remorse and longing that these songs imply... not any more. But I also never really realised that they would now be so apt for me, especially Where You Want To Be. Although, having said that, I would laugh hysterically at myself for even thinking of sending this to the object of my so-called desire. I just don't feel it anymore. Distance and time... blows it all away... Phew... Actually... after having JUST SAID THAT , now I don't really know. This stupid heart keeps blowing hot and cold. Grabbing on to the image of what I could have h...

Thanks to a certain Muffin girl, I now have this on continuous replay. Smooth move, Madihu. Très suave and intuitive. Touché =) *big hug* Boy, am I glad I am almost over him. If I wasn't, this damned song would have made me sob like a baby. I guess it's good I'm continuing with the EFT tapping and releasing him with unconditional love and forgiveness. And that my sarky self is continually pressing the "Get over it, Sukaina" button. And I realise that my destinies lie somewhere else. Far beyond what I am currently limiting myself to. Sidra had told me after our first session way back in October to tap on these phrases: "Even though I have no idea what the future holds for me, I choose to trust that everything is working out for me..." "Release this resistance to self love, self worth... I choose to release it... Release it to the earth, release to the air..." And finally, "Even though, I am obsessed with him, I still deep...

I always post when I am down and feeling trapped and screeching for release. Today, I am blogging because I feel good, without knowing why. Nothing outer has changed - yet. Must be all the inner stuff. Yesterday's Successes: * I did my EFT tapping yesterday. For a good 10 minutes. After absolutely months. * I cooked bhindi/okra. * I felt like making some more mandalas or taking up painting. Haven't actually done it, but it's the inspiration that turns into reality sooner or later... * I stopped criticising myself for a little while about the fact that I still love Imran (rather, the idea of him) and still am deluding myself into thinking we'll be together, that the story hasn't quite finished. I keep thinking I'll randomly bump into him on the Tube, or somewhere in Central London. In spite of the fact that I now am convinced that I'm a nothing in his life now. He never even read all of my emails - a fact confirmed by both Tazeen and Sidra. An...

Day Three of my "top-secret" coaching course yesterday. She gave us a book: now, Discover your strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton You have to take the online quiz first. I did. Some of the questions weren't relevant to me, since I'm not currently working and some I manifested both traits/behaviours. So, I was neutral for those, not strongly represented. ANYWAY... not dwelling upon it... SUKAINA JUMA  Your Signature Themes Many years of research conducted by The Gallup Organization suggest that the most effective people are those who understand their strengths and behaviors. These people are best able to develop strategies to meet and exceed the demands of their daily lives, their careers, and their families. A review of the knowledge and skills you have acquired can provide a basic sense of your abilities, but an awareness and understanding of you...

That Art Giser dude knows what he's doing. I did the webinar earlier on. I feel my energy is now at thirteen per cent. Trust and faith is slowly trickling in. I was able to sing again today. Oh Allah. I only have You. No effing body but You. Numerology, nah. Intuition not there. Had no idea when I rang Aunty Shaista that her house had been burgled last night. So stressful. You fear for your safety for months afterwards, sometimes. My face skin's cleared up after a week of shitty flaking, bleeding and cracking. I even feel like buying a Maltesers Easter egg, splurging with £1. Except Sainsbury's offer is now gone haha. Allah, keep me safe from my father's ire and threats and evil intents until I move out OF MY OWN ACCORD. Open up the floodgates of Your abundance for me. You are abundant. Ipso facto, I AM ABUNDANT.

Dear Adele, You are my new friend. Your voice gives my heart wings. You make me want to break free of everything and sing, sing sing... you make me dream again. I can dream again. You make me want to perform, to create - to SING. A few months ago I would have totally related to this song. Not anymore. I can still feel my pain, your pain and the pain of every single person who has had her or his heart hurt. But it's no longer personal. Well, it's fading away of its own accord. Time and distance heals... It just is. I try to observe it now. Love, Sukaina I like her other songs better: Chasing Pavements and Rolling in the Deep. But, this one's an absolutely fantastic song. The BRITS 2011 live performance is the best version. Her voice is that of an angel. And her accent is that of a regular chav. It's fucking hilarious hearing her speak!!! I have absolutely RAPED the replay button. It's that good.

Affirmation This year I will be the person I want to be.  I will make a difference in this world by my positive attitude.  I will be committed to my own self and my own self and spiritual development.  I will honour my word and speak my truth. My Sacred Energy “There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”  ~ Deepak Chopra Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. That is all I have to say.  Our relationship is not as equals at all.  Not like yours with her.  I know it's my own thoughts and feelings in the way. I'm the one making myself feel like this. Even pupae need love and friendship and a kind word. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to make do with feeling envious, jealous, and becoming a perfectly formed, but bitter, chrysalis-butterfly. With only four people who love her. Two of whom I know and appreciate. And ...

... somewhere. And I don't like being out of the loop.

... that I'm loco. But I'm saving this one because I might look on this three months from now. And compare notes. http://www.angelmessenger.net/free-angel-card-readings/looking-ahead-reading/ Looking Ahead Reading Card #1 - Present situation: Rochelle: As you honor and follow the guidance of your heart, prosperity is coming to you now. (Um, I don't know what the inner voice is saying. Guidance of my heart? What does that sound like?) Card #2 - Immediate future: Dream Big: Let go of small thoughts about yourself. See yourself succeeding! (I try...) Card #3 - Three months from now: Daniel: I am the Angel of Marriage and I am assisting you right now... (and this is what made me lmao) On va voir...

Everywhere. It's destruction. It's the breaking of things, to make way for the new and better ways. It fucking hurts. How much pain can I see all my friends in? My family? Myself.... the world? I feel as though my hands have been chopped off and I'm bleeding on the battered, shattered victims of life. I'm collapsing on their broken backs. I cannot do a thing at present. For myself. For others. All I was, I am no longer. The world at my feet and.... I am NOT giving up hope ever again. ~~~ Dear God, Allah, YWH... I am writing my big list. It's huge. These are all the people, things, events, relationships that need healing. I've tried, but I can barely send myself healing. And so, today, I leave it all up to You. Every single problem, I send to You. That's it. You're in charge today. Sukaina Juma Tazeen Mohsin Imran Ali Gul Sidra Zaidi Mum Farhat Rawji-Kara Fatima Datardina-Moledina Hussein Ali Moledina Murtaza Moledina Fatema Ismail Ale...

I tried really hard not to call myself names yesterday while writing in my journal. I did quite well, until the very end. I called myself a loser face. But, this too shall pass. I'm turning 27 years old in approximately six weeks time. Still in the same place I was a year, two years, three years, 6 years ago. It's literally unbelievable. I just can't believe it. I keep bursting into heartfelt tears. Usually while in the shower (well, hey, at least I'm showering daily). I need to find a way to have computer and Internet access for 16th March, Wednesday night for my clearing call. I can't afford to miss it. I can either ask Sameera or Aunty Aziza. Shame it's a weeknight, but I have no choice. I can't afford to miss it. What a loser. A whole week and my mood is the same, I'm doing the same things. Well, actually, not true. I'm crying a lot more. I'm feeling sad more often. I'm noting what I lack more frequently. I'm avoid...