Isle of Skye

It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating. A few minutes later... Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please. Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

I've just deactivated Facebook. This low mood just prevails. So, what have I done today? One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though). Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.). Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger. It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts. Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next ...

I feel as though I should write a post. So here it is. Weekend was sleepy. Most of the week was sleepy. I've been kicked off welfare. I can contest the decision, but that would mean more stress. Oh, I don't know. When I read my numerology report, it makes me wish all of the good things would actually happen on the days it says they will happen. Especially when they say that romance and love are strong, someone admires you, you will meet someone new and important, good for career and work, misunderstandings are cleared up. I'd say it's about 17% accurate. Which is pretty crappy. I love my friends, by the way. All of them. The ones who call me and say "I don't want it to be a week without having either spoken to you or emailed you." My God. That touched the bottom of my heart, tickled it and sent ripples of love and joy throughout my entire being. Then, yesterday, Umair was online, so we were sending emails back and forth. About random stuff. And Arm...

Odd how that one word can encompass so many subtle threads of feeling. Odd how that word explains why I've become a hermit since 11 November 2010. Odd how that prevents me from going to a Hussayniyah, where I might find some peace and salvation. Odd how I can feel it and still FB stalk people. Still go on for hours in unproductive activities rather than improving my lot. But it is this very shame (with a sense of pride) that will prevent me from succumbing to whatever it was that held such an all encompassing hold over my reason, my self pride and my dignity. Never again.

... is that I've re-possessed my deceptive self. I now edit my emails again as I once did before. I haven't spoken to anyone in quite some time - surprisingly - when was the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone? Last Wednesday. Yes. Last Wednesday. Sad little Suki. But I was successful in not talking about myself. Or about the nebulous quality of my feelings. Wasn't so successful on Thursday. When I met a friend. But at least only spoke about it for perhaps 15% of the entire meeting. I am once again dissimulating, dissembling, pretending, hiding, keeping my secrets close within. I shall become invisible, not invincible. But invisible is what I was in the past and it served me well. I shall cease to exist somehow. And when I do, the feelings will stop. The pain will stop. I will stop. The heart is deceitful above all things. I had my mind, but lost it completely. Along with the stupid phantom emotion that I cared for someone. Or rather, that the feeling...

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?" I fear men (the male species) I hate men (the male species) I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained. I will not even begin lo...

I feel so vengeful. I feel like putting my profile on the SimplyShia website and activating it and making every single fucking male's life miserable. manu1001 26 Ja'fari/Ithna'asheri Middlesex,GB My friends would describe me as Chilled, Enthusiastic, Intelligent, Reflective, Spontaneous hmmm..... What would you like to know? Last active : 7 Hours ago And he has frigging 5 stars? How on Earth does he get 5 stars? I've only got 3 and my profile is COMPLETE! Revenge is on my mind. It's hopeless. The stupid numerology is useless. The stupid horoscopes are useless. I am absolutely useless. At least I showered today.

I freaking HATE being a Four. And I also dislike painful, spot-on synchronicity: Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 6 th — Fours long for an ideal mate. They will idealize someone but as Fours get to know the person better, they will become disenchanted, realizing the other is not the perfect "parent" who will rescue them. Fours will lose interest and resume their search and fantasies. Today, reflect on this pattern in your life. What in you wants to maintain it? ( Personality Types , 141) How do I become centred, whole and Adult? Fucking hate it - never falling in love again. It's just too stupid :p I was living an OK life without it. Honestly. Life goes on. If I'm honest, although I'm saying I'm over him, I'm holding hopes of a reconciliation because of the ruddy horror-scopes and the fact that he keeps "liking" my FB statuses. Aaaaaargh.... I hate this!!!! I do!!!! I need it to GO.... Weather's very weird, I...

Today, explore the issue of boundaries. As a Four, are you so self-absorbed that you assume everyone is interested in your feelings and inner world? Can you refrain from talking about yourself so much—especially when it is not appropriate? Man, if anything was more geared towards my current frame of mind, it would be on a cactus rammed up my arse! I keep messing things up, don't I? Thank GOD for Sidra and Tazeen. You guys were God's way of saving my ass. From being the impulsive little weirdo that I am. I was totally nasha -o- fied . Insanity. Love is insanity. And it wasn't even love. Because, would I be getting over it so quickly? (Well, sort of.) It was desperation. Fear of abandonment kicked up like a little mule's legs. Or I was playing the part of an abused, feral kitten who wanted to love and be loved so badly, from the core of my entire being, but scratched and hissed and attacked Imran because he was a male who reminded me of the past pain. His being...

How many times can a heart break? Or be beaten into a pulp? How much can you love a person? How many times are you willing to rip yourself into shreds, because, as much as you'd like to deny it, you love this man-boy and you know he doesn't love you. You can't just be friends. You see him as your Soul. And he doesn't. And it's taken over your entire life. Until you're subconsciously self-sabotaging. And there's not a single shoulder to cry on. No one to rub it better. Physically. Because it physically hurts. Sunday, 31/10 11:46 am Sukaina wrote: "Salaam. Interesting text to receive. Before I give you a time to call, tell me, what do you want to talk about? I'm not a yo-yo, you know. Are you a player?" 12:04 pm Imran wrote: "Ws, yes sukaina I'm a player! I thought I'd suggest it, but if your not comfortable with it, then its cool. I know you're not a yo-yo, so have no fear." 12:14 pm Sukaina wrote: "Imran! There you go...

She told me yesterday, after I bored her for an hour with my sob story: she never had to call any of the guys she was looking to get married to. They always called her. She only rang one of them once! So, I wasn't really expecting too much, was I? So, guess what I've finally done? I deleted all of his email addresses from my address book. Should have done that before I sent him that email about my mother's operation. But I know he will pray for her, even if it's for a split second. Mo'min hai, dua toh kaam aayega... Sigh... I'd already deleted his phone number from my phone last Sunday after he dumped me. I can feel his disgust and hatred for me... or rather it's my own, but I'm projecting it again so I can survive today and my class work and doctor's appointment at 4pm. I knew he was wrong for me; and consequently, I was wrong for him. Always wanting to change everything about him... and just jumping in. But I was saying Yes to the Universe. And th...