Isle of Skye

Okay, I guess my blog isn't pornographic any more to the library. Spoke to Ali on Skype last night... he said the first thing he did was do a Google search for Artemis Persephone! Can you believe it? Said it came up as warrior princess.... And there's no romantic feelings for him here... I can't see myself marrying him :) He calls himself stubborn, has a temper... same as me.... bloody Elementals we are! LOL :) I asked him about the fact he's 37 and not married... he said three girls, all liked him, they wanted to marry him and the moment their families saw him with his crutches... game over. They all said how dare you consider a guy who is "disabled"... and we don't want you to become his carer. Boy, the hurt he felt in his heart hit my heart hard..... One girl's family stopped speaking to her and said they would disown her... just over the crutches and the weakness in is legs.... cerebral palsy... in the healing book, they gave a specific r...

The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year... It's just shown me things don't come easily. Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam. Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break. Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly. I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction. I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back. I want my faith in my deen Islam back. But that's what I want. Only You know what I need. It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children. Why? I'm...

I feel so vengeful. I feel like putting my profile on the SimplyShia website and activating it and making every single fucking male's life miserable. manu1001 26 Ja'fari/Ithna'asheri Middlesex,GB My friends would describe me as Chilled, Enthusiastic, Intelligent, Reflective, Spontaneous hmmm..... What would you like to know? Last active : 7 Hours ago And he has frigging 5 stars? How on Earth does he get 5 stars? I've only got 3 and my profile is COMPLETE! Revenge is on my mind. It's hopeless. The stupid numerology is useless. The stupid horoscopes are useless. I am absolutely useless. At least I showered today.

Imran Lakha ‎ "...you will only be remembered by those that loved you because you are truthful, not by those who don't have a heart." 18 hours ago via BlackBerry From: Imran Lakha (ilakha) To: Sukaina Juma Sent: Fri, 12 November, 2010 10:08:43 Subject: RE: Keep your cojones handy... Wa Aliaykum Salaam Sukaina, I don’t have a reply for you. In fact personally you need to work through your situation and i will work through mine. I am here if you need me. Ws, Imran. ~~~ I never thought it would really be this hard. But the pain, the burning, I'm beginning to get accustomed to it. It feels familiar. I wouldn't say I like it - not yet... it just seems necessary...

Today, explore the issue of boundaries. As a Four, are you so self-absorbed that you assume everyone is interested in your feelings and inner world? Can you refrain from talking about yourself so much—especially when it is not appropriate? Man, if anything was more geared towards my current frame of mind, it would be on a cactus rammed up my arse! I keep messing things up, don't I? Thank GOD for Sidra and Tazeen. You guys were God's way of saving my ass. From being the impulsive little weirdo that I am. I was totally nasha -o- fied . Insanity. Love is insanity. And it wasn't even love. Because, would I be getting over it so quickly? (Well, sort of.) It was desperation. Fear of abandonment kicked up like a little mule's legs. Or I was playing the part of an abused, feral kitten who wanted to love and be loved so badly, from the core of my entire being, but scratched and hissed and attacked Imran because he was a male who reminded me of the past pain. His being...

Because I know Sidra and Tazeen are right. I'm blinded by my own lack of love to see he's a twat. And doesn't deserve this honesty. Salaam Imran, Against my better judgement, I am writing this to explain to you the rationale behind my texts from yesterday. I really like you as a person. You already know that. If you don't, you should. I've written enough emails, blog entries and sent you enough stupid Bumper Stickers for you to know it. However, you need to be aware that I have been smashed to pieces since 19th October, when you sent me that text at midnight. A good friend advised me today that "Nobody cares about how another person is feeling, just what you can do for them". And that maybe I shouldn't write to you about how I "feel". Fair enough. But me being me, I am still going to tell you the truth, to be kind to myself and just so that I know that you know: I am hurt and sad that you have decided to continue no further along th...

How many times can a heart break? Or be beaten into a pulp? How much can you love a person? How many times are you willing to rip yourself into shreds, because, as much as you'd like to deny it, you love this man-boy and you know he doesn't love you. You can't just be friends. You see him as your Soul. And he doesn't. And it's taken over your entire life. Until you're subconsciously self-sabotaging. And there's not a single shoulder to cry on. No one to rub it better. Physically. Because it physically hurts. Sunday, 31/10 11:46 am Sukaina wrote: "Salaam. Interesting text to receive. Before I give you a time to call, tell me, what do you want to talk about? I'm not a yo-yo, you know. Are you a player?" 12:04 pm Imran wrote: "Ws, yes sukaina I'm a player! I thought I'd suggest it, but if your not comfortable with it, then its cool. I know you're not a yo-yo, so have no fear." 12:14 pm Sukaina wrote: "Imran! There you go...

I've been so angry for the past day. Received a text on Thursday, but because my phone was off, didn't see it till 8:30 am on Friday. "Salaaammmm suki, how are you? how is life treating you? We haven't spoken in ages. Speak soon! Immy!" I mentioned that he caught me on FB chat on Monday. Well, I was eating lunch downstairs and he said Salaam Sukaina How are you? Then went offline like a wanker. I FB messaged him back. He came online again and we talked for 2.5 hours. As "friends". I might post the chat on at a later time. He thinks I'm a fucking yo-yo. This is him treating me like a little doggie-bitch. WTF? Why have I attracted such a wanker into my life???? Am I this bad? Is my Shadow really, really, really this bad? Burn, burn, burn. Heart and tummy and heart. SMOULDERS. And I haven't a clue what to do about this. How to answer. I wrote a long text, lambasting him nicely. Thankfully, Providence has made it such t...

*sigh* Even my mother's impending operation on Tuesday, or my bloody teaching exam tomorrow... they just don't detract or distract me from thinking of the You I had conjured up in my mind. The "good" me I could have been, but went for snarky and witty and pokey pokey . Grumpy Care Bear... Well, as Marilyn Monroe has said "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best..." But I sorely miss you. I miss you. Dammit, boy, I miss you..... The heart, I feel it. What does it feel like? A little heavy. This whole morning I was in Fuck Him mode.... and I'm Free to be as crazy as I like mode.... But I keep looking online for you..... and..... I was so sure we had a connection and that you would be able to see out of your arse to understand that I needed TIME. To be sure about my own feelings. Because I know what a crush feels like. But I haven't a clue what love is, or how Sukaina feels when she's in love. And I kept on thi...

OK, the lady at the library - I'm going to get her name somehow, she ought to be sacked. TWAT. I will not let her treat me like the way she just did and get away with it again., She did it to me three years ago, she is NOT doing it to me again today. Fucking retard. Stop wearing that bloody corset and those fucking high heels and maybe you'll gain some humanity. Tarzan keeps asking me how I feel in my body. Right now, I feel a burning pain. In my neck, waves and waves of burning pain. And whenever I've written him the texts or the emails "letting him go", my left arm starts with the mercury type of feeling sweeping inside. I feel rotten for treating him like I have treated him. Poke, poke, poke. Punch, punch, punch. And all I want is to merge. But is he just convenient? I don't know if I like HIM for being HIM. It's an IMAGE, Sukaina , an IMAGE. A projection. Argh . I cannot let myself do that because I feel that I know it's too good to be true, that I...