Wired

God, itni beychayni ho rahi hai aaj. Right now I just want to get out and do something, like ice skate, paint ball and rock climb at Arena. Taz just messaged saying it's a bit expensive. So perhaps it's more than the Rs 300 they wrote on the Internet. That's just like me, wanting to spend spend spend at a time when I have none.

And the counselling course. It finally hit me yesterday that I'm going to have to once again interact with people, strangers mostly, on a regular basis and open up and all that shite and it's driving me insane. All my l;ow self esteem and lack of confidence is bounding towards the front. of course I can be a sherni on the blog, that's easy enough. No one reads this junk except for myself and that basically just verifies all that I believe in. I write it, I read it, so it must be okay, since there's no opposition.

Fuck, the negativity is coming in droves today.

My main sticking point is fear and then anger and then wanting space. All three of them.

At least all the sparkly bits surrounding the Al Mahdi and the other psychotherapy courses is coming down. I read the latest unemployment figures and that brought me crashing down as well. I read all the entries I wrote while living in London with my father, and the hurts have been refreshed and the bruises are new again. He did tell me he's tight on money and he keeps telling me I am better off in Karachi and I don't think my guilt or greed over two winter coats and all the other things I've left there should weigh out on the cruel vindictiveness Papa dearest is capable of. He completely broke me. I can't honestly be considering going back there, can I?

God, there's just so much negativity I can't seem to handle it. I absorb and squeeze it out and then it is reflected in the words and actions of my parents and those around me , whom I've either chosen or not chosen.

I have major issues with abundance. Too many people in the world and I don't really see the reason for all of them to exist, I don't believe in the inherent value of life. Too many books, too many films, too much music - I wont be able to experience it all and it sucks.

I still remember how shocked everyone in my literature seminar group were when I said that all that has to be said has been said and there's no need for further creativity. I still feel that sometimes, that whatever is being said now is just rehashing - and not a good one - of all that's already been said and said much better. Crap.

I don't deserve such and such because so many others don't have it. I'm worthless. I don't deserve to live. I hate my body, my femininity, it is an impediment. I hate to be observed. I can't stand people, they frighten me and there's an attraction-aversion thing going on. Swinging from one extreme to another: spendthrift - miser, guilt - apathy and the list goes on and on. Other peoples opinions create such an impact on me, I can't seem to free myself from it all.

I'm definitely crashed from my high.

Fucking change work.

I can release the past and Forgive Everyone

I free myself and everyone in my life from old past hurts.

They are free and I am free to move into new glorious experiences

The question is, can I really?

And I need to stop imposing myself upon others.

"Why are you eating that?" " Stop crying." "I think you should..." "Isn't it better..." "IMHO (which isn't very honest or humble at all)"

I say all those things because of my own internal issues and the loop of others voices in my head, and not because of the seemingly "I want to help and heal" - fuckit, you're broken. You're in no shape to either want to or actually help others.

I'm going to curl up into a ball and weep furiously now. Or I'm going to do one of those chakra guided meditations. Well, I can do both. Simultaneously, if I like.

*bangs hand on head to slap out all the horrible thoughts. As though it's actually effective*