Isle of Skye

It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating. A few minutes later... Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please. Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !...

One can hope. And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind? Do I really treat other people like that? Of course. And I am sorry. I don't know why I still do it. I'm trying so very, very hard. So hard, I am. So hard. And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people. I don't want to do that. I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons? I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense th...

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain So, I've wasted the entire day doing nothing but being on the PC the entire day. Well, I researched the courses I wanted to do. And did some yoga. But still... grrr. Better do my meditations and set goals for tomorrow. And go out. And do some gardening. Trust. Feel the loneliness and slight desperation you feel about finding someone and unease you feel about your sustenance and let it go through the "body of glass". Pray to Allah. All is possible. Love this song, btw. It's a perfect song. His voice is like satin. Now this one is on constant replay, making me feel like I'm missing something. I AM NOT. If I am single, it's because that's what is best for me now. When I was in a relationship, that was what was best for me then. Doh. And the disintegrating of the relationship was what was best at the time. And the fact that we are not in co...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

On a high yesterday, crashing today. I hate colds. They suck the living out of a person. I shall set my intentions for this week. "I am willing to let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me." Ignore and forget about Facebook until the 23rd of January 2010 i.e. 8 days from today. I can do it! Take that one course I will take. Yoga and meditation daily (starts tonight) Moon meditation at the full moon - this Wednesday. Will freeze my ass off, but must be done. Buy papers for my mandalas. Dance and sing daily. Walk daily. Eat raw as much as possible. Let go of chocolates and biscuits and crisps. Love celery and carrots! And eat less than I crave. Distract myself each time I think about Irish and his psycho girlfriend. Pray to Allah for forgetfulness and indifference. I have to be honest to at least myself: I'm romanticising everything, even after reading He's Just Not T...

The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year... It's just shown me things don't come easily. Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam. Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break. Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly. I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction. I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back. I want my faith in my deen Islam back. But that's what I want. Only You know what I need. It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children. Why? I'm...

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?" I fear men (the male species) I hate men (the male species) I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained. I will not even begin lo...

Today's tarot says: Love: The 5 of Pentacles is not a particularly happy indicator when it comes to love questions, unfortunately. You may have your eye on someone who you feel is not treating you the way they should. It may be that you need to stop fantasizing about this person entirely. This card can be very much a card of feeling left out in the cold.  It's important to remember that there is never only one person that we can be with and have a soul-level, happy, meaningful relationship.  When love is right, you don't have to do back flips to make it work. True say. I knew it shouldn't have been that hard to make it work. In spite of my messing up countless of times. A mute sphinx is and shall remain a mute sphinx - acting like a Valley Girl on speed does not change that, and acting like a doped, emotionally manipulative, bipolar psycho-bitch has just lowered yourself immensely in your own estimation and has not changed his decisions or his thoughts or his f...

Okay, his friend just tagged him in some photos he took at the wedding he went to three weeks ago. Obviously, you guys don't get to see.... I've already blown his and my privacy into smithereens... (July 2011 - Meh, it's done with, I've shown all of you anyway :) ) (11 September 2012 - I don't need his photo any longer. It's burned up in the ashes of the past. So I am choosing to delete it today... I have humiliated myself enough for love - or what I thought was love.) OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Finally photos that do him justice. No wonder he has so many stalkers and people going nuts over him. His posse. And he found me interesting and enjoyed my company. Hubba hubba DROOL - my eyes literally popped OUT of their SOCKETS! Vimal, WHO???? And I have just lost him - again - because I sent him an email. This one. The one he had no response to. I live in my head way too much. Honestly. No wonder he's run off away, far far away... typical...