Isle of Skye

I read the message on Tuesday and I still don't know what to say in reply. Because I don't know what he means. Or how I FEEL. I am SCARED and SCARRED. And my intuition is in the crapper today. Allah, help me for the sake of your Chosen 5. It's Thursday, it's Eid e Mubahila etc etc. HELP ME!

Because I know Sidra and Tazeen are right. I'm blinded by my own lack of love to see he's a twat. And doesn't deserve this honesty. Salaam Imran, Against my better judgement, I am writing this to explain to you the rationale behind my texts from yesterday. I really like you as a person. You already know that. If you don't, you should. I've written enough emails, blog entries and sent you enough stupid Bumper Stickers for you to know it. However, you need to be aware that I have been smashed to pieces since 19th October, when you sent me that text at midnight. A good friend advised me today that "Nobody cares about how another person is feeling, just what you can do for them". And that maybe I shouldn't write to you about how I "feel". Fair enough. But me being me, I am still going to tell you the truth, to be kind to myself and just so that I know that you know: I am hurt and sad that you have decided to continue no further along th...

How many times can a heart break? Or be beaten into a pulp? How much can you love a person? How many times are you willing to rip yourself into shreds, because, as much as you'd like to deny it, you love this man-boy and you know he doesn't love you. You can't just be friends. You see him as your Soul. And he doesn't. And it's taken over your entire life. Until you're subconsciously self-sabotaging. And there's not a single shoulder to cry on. No one to rub it better. Physically. Because it physically hurts. Sunday, 31/10 11:46 am Sukaina wrote: "Salaam. Interesting text to receive. Before I give you a time to call, tell me, what do you want to talk about? I'm not a yo-yo, you know. Are you a player?" 12:04 pm Imran wrote: "Ws, yes sukaina I'm a player! I thought I'd suggest it, but if your not comfortable with it, then its cool. I know you're not a yo-yo, so have no fear." 12:14 pm Sukaina wrote: "Imran! There you go...

That's how I feel. There is no escape. I can't see any release. My mum phoned me today from Kampala just before she left for the airport. And she said it's okay, you'll be coming in February. Yes. And dooming myself. The Luscher test that I am prone to taking decisions without thinking them through. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I really have nobody. I have a frigging stupid arse for a father and I don't know. Emerson thinks it's so easy to do this individualist thing. You were a fucking white Christian man. You ended up being appreciated for your vision, philosophy and poetry. Even if it was three centuries later. What the fuck do I have to look forward to? I am alone. I am completely and utterly alone. I have no hopes for the future. I have no marriage about to happen, I have no career waiting to happen. And I know, I am supposed to bring these all about by myself. Well, what the fuck is this all about that us INFPS are like the soil who absorb the light ...

God knows why I have started this blog. Is it going to be any different from the rubbish that I write in my journal or on my Facebook page? Is it going to solve anything? Not really. I am glad I found my 'bunny wabbit' book i.e. Watership Down. I don't think I read it when I was in Kampala, although I know for a fact that Sarah did and she loved it. I was only nine then, so it's not as though I would have enjoyed it as much as I am now. It's good to have these innocent, childish pleasures. Though I have no clue why I am regressing back to an infant-like state, whereby I keep singing 'bunny wabbit' like a five-year old infant. Kampala. Hmm . It was lovely, what I remember of it. Very exotic and very different than the life I am suffering these days. Well, suffering is too strong a word. I am suffering myself. As in, I am being punished by having to spend my days and nights with myself. And what's worse is that I am making others suffer for it too. Thoug...