Isle of Skye

Okay, I guess my blog isn't pornographic any more to the library. Spoke to Ali on Skype last night... he said the first thing he did was do a Google search for Artemis Persephone! Can you believe it? Said it came up as warrior princess.... And there's no romantic feelings for him here... I can't see myself marrying him :) He calls himself stubborn, has a temper... same as me.... bloody Elementals we are! LOL :) I asked him about the fact he's 37 and not married... he said three girls, all liked him, they wanted to marry him and the moment their families saw him with his crutches... game over. They all said how dare you consider a guy who is "disabled"... and we don't want you to become his carer. Boy, the hurt he felt in his heart hit my heart hard..... One girl's family stopped speaking to her and said they would disown her... just over the crutches and the weakness in is legs.... cerebral palsy... in the healing book, they gave a specific r...

The last time I wrote that in my blog, it was late August 2010 and Imran messaged me on SimplyShia on the Monday :P Am I hoping for an encore? I wrote this a week or so later... http://skyejacques.blogspot.com/2010/09/hello-you.html It's quite cute, actually. I had to do a process to forgive my 26 year old self. Still have unforgiveness towards her.   ***** I feel like giving up all over again. Just skiving from work and living in a dream world. Things like the Internal Revenue charging me 20% tax on a small amount of money I earned. Things like Sidra's netbook crashing, the old PC downstairs dying, having to use the father's PC again and now having to spend money on a laptop instead of keeping it for my trip to Toronto. And then laptops remind me of Imran "Why don't you woman up and meet the man behind the laptop?" He doesn't have money issues. I wasn't sure how much he earns, but Sidra said he earns a lot. Obviously: e-commerc...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

That is how much of my energy is solely mine: inside of me, in my aura, in my energy field. Just freaking eight per cent. That means 92 per cent is my parents, my religious upbringing, school and everyone else's. Sigh. Other people raised their vibrations to 40 and 50 per cent after doing the releasing exercises. Pas moi. I went to an introductory evening for Art Giser's Energetic NLP work last Thursday (that where we did all the kooky, visualisation stuff - I'll post it on my O Healer blog soon). It was fruitful. I felt that I had finally stepped into the world I was born to be part of, into the way of living that is attuned to mine: that I had finally "arrived". I was where I belonged. I made sense. I was on the right path. Finally. It was a full moon night as well, which I love! I couldn't have planned it better, to be honest. Lots of stuff happened, I learnt quite a bit: some of which I don't think I should have learned - only because it i...

My enneagram email today asks me: "As you approach the start of a New Year, reflect back on the past one to see how you've grown and what issues still block your way to a deeper transformation. Has there been a theme during this past year and do you see a pattern for your future challenges?" God, what the heck is with all this deep thinking, soul searching, pattern breaking, feeling emotions but not wallowing in them? Walking home today from Morden, and I passed the same fences from my childhood. I would swipe my hand over them and get splinters. The same trees I'd smile at. The same houses I wished I lived in, because the people seemed to belong, to be more "together" and to be "happier" than what my own reality was. I would like to be that child again. Shrug off all the burdens, the stress, the pricking sense of foreboding, that the house of cards will fall to the floor if I relax. Whoa, back in that pattern again, I see. On Groovesha...

I had stopped thinking about him, I had reached some sort of finality. Closure was upon me. Then it is the 9th of Muharram, and I start re-reading the emails we sent each other. I am a masochist, I chose the one he wrote about the girl who was obviously one of his soul mates and so he felt he had lost someone and was to "never to forget the past" etc. I then think of him on Ashura, of all the days, while at the mosque: first, I wonder where he's doing his commemoration (at Stanmore?) and secondly, I want to go to Iraq this year (he said he would take me, not seriously of course, he never was serious). And then I think, I'll email him and tell him when I go. And get him a nice ring, a small, classy one, not like the big-ass one he currently wears. No matter what my dearest best friend says about him and I not meaning to be life partners and spouses, and that I didn't really want the relationship to work out, that it was my experimenting and experiencing life...

I've been trawling through my emails for signs, for indicators, for signs, for help, for signs... yes, a lot of signs. I believe in them. They haven't been smacking me in the head lately. Or, rather, they have been, but until yesterday, I was accidentally on purpose doing my best to avoid reality. I wanted things to work out so badly with Irish. Why? He's sweet, he's nice, he's steady, he's Shia ... long list. And, yes, he's Khoja. That was very comforting. Speaking about Mombasa and Hujjat and Hyderi mosques. And having a system for Lakha families 1, 2 and 3 and Juma families 1, 2 and 3. Comforting, like eating mogo and kuku paka and pilao. I called him a Jekyll/Hyde person. The first time was when he stopped emailing or replying to my texts. Since then, I've called him that to my friends, and in the delusional "love letter" I sent to him two weeks ago (time goes fast even when you're in limbo). Apa says he's my dad. I...