Isle of Skye

For the past two days, when I have been out and sitting by a tree to release energies, my heart starts hurting and I start crying and crying and crying.... I've scared two men and they have asked me if I am okay, and I stop crying, smile and say "Yes, I'm fine, thank you." Yesterday's grief was Imran. Still miss him, still regret him. Jesus. I really miss being in love and being cared for and receiving blue font emails and texts and cat photos and... damn.... Umair, Imran, Osama and now Ali... Using my words to tell them to back off or to tell them to come close and then tell them to back off. A part of me doesn't want the rest of me to be in a fulfilling relationship with a man because I am so scared. I sent Ali a text around 9pm last night to ask how he was doing. I had asked permission to send him healing the night before because he got home really late and was tired, so I was being of "love and assistance" - I mean, he's got cerebra...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

I tried really hard not to call myself names yesterday while writing in my journal. I did quite well, until the very end. I called myself a loser face. But, this too shall pass. I'm turning 27 years old in approximately six weeks time. Still in the same place I was a year, two years, three years, 6 years ago. It's literally unbelievable. I just can't believe it. I keep bursting into heartfelt tears. Usually while in the shower (well, hey, at least I'm showering daily). I need to find a way to have computer and Internet access for 16th March, Wednesday night for my clearing call. I can't afford to miss it. I can either ask Sameera or Aunty Aziza. Shame it's a weeknight, but I have no choice. I can't afford to miss it. What a loser. A whole week and my mood is the same, I'm doing the same things. Well, actually, not true. I'm crying a lot more. I'm feeling sad more often. I'm noting what I lack more frequently. I'm avoid...

Only my tear-soaked pillow is witness to my pleading, begging and wailing for Your mercy, help, guidance and abundance. I trust You will answer in due course. I have no other choice. ~~~ She was right: when you're alone, crying in the dark of the night, there's just you and no-one else. No effing one. ~~~ But, funnily enough, yesterday I finally found some Rumi-inspired comfort in that shattering solitude. It forces you to bleat "Allah" and "Help me" again and again, and communicate solely with Him. No one else is there to depend on, you don't look to His servants to unravel only what He can. You know that if any help is to come, it's only by His Grace and Might. And if it is withheld, that too is a result of His Knowlege and Mercy. Honestly, if I hadn't bought that cute Alan Titchmarsh bucket radio at the Bits and Bobs shop last Saturday, I really don't know how I would have survived last night. Radio DJs are idiots and say the daft...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho