Isle of Skye

Dear Allah, I mean it. If You don't forgive me and help me to move on in a manner that is befitting of both You and me, what's the point. I slept on all the nights of Qadr. So I've lost out on those. I don't even know if I'm fasting according to my mother or according to the people in London. Help me. Release me. And give me a better person to help me than my current life coach. I deserve MUCH better than I am currently getting. Or lover my expectations from them all. Release me from tying myself to anyone ever again. I can't look myself in the eye whilst I still do it. I still do it. It's like every single thing I can do to hamper my progress - that is what I do. Even no, it's midnight and I have to go out to work in 9 hours. And I'm here. Because... just because... I'm so upset today. Because things still don't make sense. The things that used to make sense no longer do. My relationships are dying. Umair has gone. Poof. Imra...

Verbal fasting O Allah, Thank you that all my friends don't mind my incessant chatter. It bugs the hell out of me. I am going to keep a verbal fast for up until Eid - silence is the most eloquent reply. well, that technically means that I shall only speak, write emails and chat online when absolutely necessary. why do I talk so much? why is talking to you not enough? I annoy myself so much because chat and analyse and obsess about such silly things! Or rather, things that need not be obsessed so much about. I know I chose to be a female and that I also am good at speaking but communication is more about listening. I interrupt Tazeen and Ashiya and SIdra and actually most people I chat to all the time. And they LET ME! I really do not like that sub persona of mine... the valley girl on speed one. It's not served me well this past year. I really do come across as more intelligent when I'm silent - nowadays I tell people everything: major disclosure. I se...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.” Saw this on Facebook. Made me smile. Partly because it's so beautiful and chaste and pure and partly because it ignores all the rest of it. The dark side. I suppose that's w hy we're foolish enough to try again or to forget the pain. This is the third time I am typing this particular post. Due to my keyboard without the double-u working, it has been deleted twice because I pressed the button next to control and it deleted it. As though the universe doesn't want me to type these things out. I figured I am still in love w ith Imran. ...

The Problem The Mediator   Meaning: You are unhappy with your position in life at the mo­ment. You find it too boring, banal and superficial. You don't want to identify with the meaning and demands of Mercury; you have blocked and dispelled the messen­ger. You have lost his wings - his lightness. The Way Throught the Problem Abortion Meaning: You have to descend into the underworld with your feelings, just as Persephone did before you. That's where you frankly admit that it will take all you have before you can buy back your feelings and surface from the depths.  The Outcome The Phoenix Meaning: Phoenix rises from the ruins of the past in brilliant colors - a phase of life is over. Your soul has freed and liberated itself from obstinacy.    More Guidance ...

Last week, during a life-coaching session, I was judging myself for wanting a spouse, a lover - after everything. After knowing that I don't need anyone, but that I want a husband. After knowing that I need to sort my life out. And I was told that of course I want someone and that it's completely natural and okay to want someone to hold me, to touch me, to love me... so if I accept and acknowledge it, it becomes easier to live with and just take as normal and not as some sort of "sin" or betrayal of self. She also asked me if I was any matriomonial website, and I said vehemently, "NO! I deleted everything after that guy!" (I couldn't bring myself to say his name then). "which guy?" "Imran. Sorry, I don't like saying his name sometimes." "why?" "Because it makes it more personal, as though there's still something there. when he is in my past and I am getting over it." That was last week. And ...