Isle of Skye

At certain times of the day, she feels light headed. She has to sit down: either on the grass, or on the pebbled pavement. When they get back to the house so she can get ready for the second wedding in her extended family, she has to take five minutes of sitting on the carpeted floor and close her eyes and steady the whirring energy at the back of her head. She wonders why. Then realises that perhaps it's concussion. The skin at the base of her skull must have split at the first contact of the ceramic. The pain was instantaneous, unbearable. She heard him slam the front door shut as he left the house in disgust. Her friend was right. If she couldn't come up with another strategy to make him be quiet and get away from her, she would groove in this pattern - again. Repelling a menacing, verbal attack from the old, familiar, paternal, ancestral, unaware, threatening masculine energy with a physical attack on the self... because she deserved it. She sc...

Tazeen Mohsin i thought you said you were over irish! 3 hours ago Sukaina Juma I did say I was over him. I am over him. Why are you asking a redundant question?  3 hours ago 2 hours ago Tazeen Mohsin the fact you mentioned him on your blog baby.. do a little soul searching.. you seem to be covering a hurt from you even  33 minutes ago Sukaina Juma I suppose I could have mentioned you in my blog... right? You are so vibrant! I will edit it and add your loveliness to my post  I am over him. My ego is not happy that... well, he's functioning at a higher level than I am, just as was the case when we first met. I still like playing in the mud, he's gone and grabbed so many more stars for himself. He lost/quit his job last year, still managed to go to Morocco, and looked for and found a new job last month... then got married the same month. A new job, a new love, a new life... a new shizzle iPad2... lol. The little kid in me is feeling like "it's no fai...

I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears. I had to leave the house. Is God really that cruel? I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber. Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things. God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________. Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen. God, I feel like crap. God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able ...

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.” Saw this on Facebook. Made me smile. Partly because it's so beautiful and chaste and pure and partly because it ignores all the rest of it. The dark side. I suppose that's w hy we're foolish enough to try again or to forget the pain. This is the third time I am typing this particular post. Due to my keyboard without the double-u working, it has been deleted twice because I pressed the button next to control and it deleted it. As though the universe doesn't want me to type these things out. I figured I am still in love w ith Imran. ...

Everywhere. It's destruction. It's the breaking of things, to make way for the new and better ways. It fucking hurts. How much pain can I see all my friends in? My family? Myself.... the world? I feel as though my hands have been chopped off and I'm bleeding on the battered, shattered victims of life. I'm collapsing on their broken backs. I cannot do a thing at present. For myself. For others. All I was, I am no longer. The world at my feet and.... I am NOT giving up hope ever again. ~~~ Dear God, Allah, YWH... I am writing my big list. It's huge. These are all the people, things, events, relationships that need healing. I've tried, but I can barely send myself healing. And so, today, I leave it all up to You. Every single problem, I send to You. That's it. You're in charge today. Sukaina Juma Tazeen Mohsin Imran Ali Gul Sidra Zaidi Mum Farhat Rawji-Kara Fatima Datardina-Moledina Hussein Ali Moledina Murtaza Moledina Fatema Ismail Ale...

... is that I've re-possessed my deceptive self. I now edit my emails again as I once did before. I haven't spoken to anyone in quite some time - surprisingly - when was the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone? Last Wednesday. Yes. Last Wednesday. Sad little Suki. But I was successful in not talking about myself. Or about the nebulous quality of my feelings. Wasn't so successful on Thursday. When I met a friend. But at least only spoke about it for perhaps 15% of the entire meeting. I am once again dissimulating, dissembling, pretending, hiding, keeping my secrets close within. I shall become invisible, not invincible. But invisible is what I was in the past and it served me well. I shall cease to exist somehow. And when I do, the feelings will stop. The pain will stop. I will stop. The heart is deceitful above all things. I had my mind, but lost it completely. Along with the stupid phantom emotion that I cared for someone. Or rather, that the feeling...

Personal Daily Horoscope of Tuesday, 9 November 2010 for Sukaina Juma, born 16 April 1984 Uncomfortable questions At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life. You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful. Healing your own soul You may now be confronted with your insecurities through en...

Suki, now you can truly grieve and gain closure - c'est finis!!! Try to smile through your tears, ok? It was never going to happen. You're still too screwed up. You have so many other important things to do with your life than meet someone, marry, have sex..... ewwwwww gross! It was too Khoja a set-up anyway. You didn't even have the guts to meet him. Little girl. Little delusional girl. Well, at least this brought Sidra and EFT into your life. And clarity and God's support about your life purpose. And you were happy for a little while. Be kind to yourself and stay away from the junk food shit. Please. And away from traffic - that's easy enough: I'm at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today 14:55 :P "even if you cannot be nice"? How much of a domantrix do you imagine me to be? argh 14:55 a very big one! lol 14:55 replace with meanie 14:55 lol Inshallah i'll remember that one how are you? 14:56 Well, I can say the same about you :P 14:56 lol :) seriousl...