Isle of Skye

Your Type Four EnneaThought for February 16th— A major feature of your personality is that you become easily infatuated with others, having relationships mainly in your imagination. Notice this tendency in yourself today. (Personality Types, 151) It was only just a dream... wakey wakey, sunshine! You have you whole life in front of you... free yourself from your self-imposed shackles. You were trying to tie yourself up in convention and matrimony. It's not for you at the moment. Do what needs to be done. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.   Anais Nin And yet... "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." ~ Michel de Montagne Except he was never all of the man I imagined him to be, and not only was I not all how he imagined me to be, but I was not the girl I imagined myself to be. The Soul Mate People think a soul...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title.... I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?" Why indeed? I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :( So here's the stuff since Monday: I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word c...

The Emotional Alchemy book said it was good, the body releases that which needs to be released. I felt empty and unlovable for a bit, then the waterworks transformed into a soothing balm for the heart. I couldn't sleep, for the most obvious of reasons, even after listening to an hour of Darren Hayes, Keane and Atif Aslam . That's also partly because I shot down 60g of plain dark chocolate in one go yesterday while going through the emotional release. So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and.... If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded. And I contemplated. And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whisper...

How does someone go from having no options or ambition to having to choose between two or even three things to do and wanting to do them all and knowing that’s impossible in the material, quantum realms and only possible in the virtual realm and you are so damned, damned far away from doing that! (Read “How to know God” by Deepak Chopra then you’ll totally get what I’m saying!) I want to take the entire course at Minster Centre, because the focus on transpersonal, humanistic and integrative counselling and operate two clinics, one specifically for refugees and one for sufferers of domestic abuse. I’m sure I don’t need to sell you further on that one, right? But I also want to take a structurally similar but materially different course at the CCPD (Centre for Counselling and Professional Development) because it focuses on Sufism and spirituality in therapy and dream interpretation and alchemy of relationships and life crises and - omg - it’s like it was created for me. Bo...

I was so happy when I went into the corner shop and found them. After so many years. And I've eaten just about five and smartly decide to have a look at the ingredients. Beef gelatin. CRAP. I walked through my haunts and think I am homesick for childhood. The security in thinking that nothing could ever really go bad. I don't know. Walking to Monkleigh Road and seeing the sign across from the surgery reminded me that there used to be either a milk shop or a butcher shop there. It really is a small township, joined to Wimbledon township and Mitcham township and all the rest of it. And the sun was shining and it reminded me of spring. I won't even get to see spring here. I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is a fantasy, my vision of England. Of London. A fantasy that is fed by watching films like Billy Elliot and This is England. This is England is a really stunning and unmissable film. I am so glad that I watched it. The actors are just amazing, the editing is superb ...

...was a desire I never knew I had. It made me laugh so much. I love them. I hope to get out of the house today as soon as I feel able and take my camera and hoping the ice is still there so I can take pictures. The temperature has risen again. The past couple of days have been a nightmare. How can C tell me to give it more time? How much more time? She doesn't even know why I said that it's a mistake, coming here. She doesn't know that I physically assaulted my father, hitting him repeatedly on the head and breaking his £400 glasses. The optician won't even be open till the 4th of January. That's 10 whole entire days. Zafar (from Kartography) is right. The monster is alive in all of us, lurking. God, where the hell is the redemption? I have, for years imagined the monster gone. Only for it to emerge in full force and I wasn't even in control. It was like a dream. I do not care what Fadhlallah has to say - that there is no such thing as I was not myself. What do...

Now I feel bad for writing that caustic email. Oh well. You were angry when you wrote it, even though you took an hour to write it. Hope he writes back. I'm such a loser. Right, now I am extremely disappointed with myself. My life is a shambles and all I do is make it worse. Sitting here, reading stuff and having no exercise. Losing my life and my opportunities. Have no clue what to do. It's always the same, though isn't it. I have a quest, only they forgot to give me a map. And I haven't the intuition or imagination to figure it out by myself. The lyrics of a Simon & Garfunkel song are so nice. I haven't heard the song yet. I Am A Rock A winter's day In a deep and dark December; I am alone, Gazing from my window to the streets below On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow. I am a rock, I am an island. I've built walls, A fortress deep and mighty, That none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it...

...all this time, it was my greatest defense mechanism. Stronger than laughter, more reliable than forgetting. Trying to be real and facing reality is really not what it's all cracked up to be. I don't like people in the real world; even if I were to meet Richard Armitage or Julian Rhind-Tutt in real life, it would be CRAP. I never thought of myself as an Anne Shirley type, but even though I am not as exuberant, and I have a sneaking suspicion she's more an ENFP, I realise what a life-saver it has been. All those crappy movie lines and songs and fake concerts I have been to allowed me to dress up and imagine myself away. Why on earth else would I invent a pseudonym such as Skye Jacques? It no longer has any sanity saving devices left in it but I refuse to give it up for my real name. But living in a fantasy world never let anyone earn a living (unless you act or write) - neither of which I see happening. I just see myself doing anything of any consequence here. Here, as in ...