Isle of Skye

It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating. A few minutes later... Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please. Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !...

I'm going to see if the poem comes out; if it doesn't that's okay My quest for recognition through the other blog has begun to leave a sour taste in my mouth Especially after yesterday's blog I guess I can take a break, if I'm meant to get a job or fame on that basis, there's enough on it for now - but it really wasn't a quest, not all of it, some of it just came out and had to be published *sigh* why do I sound like a freak when I say these things? I've lost it, yesterday I completely lost it and I really dislike that hysterical person, that shadow, the not in control childish, bothered by everything person - why? Because she is the reason why people run away - she is the shadow of who I was last year, she's the saddo who still remembers dates and then repeats them to dear yet abused friends on the phone (yes, Ash, you!) or writes them on the blog Do you wanna know today's date? The text he sent me saying he missed speaking to me and w...

    I am with you, giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your Divine Life purpose. Archangel Michael I have come to you because you asked the Universe for safety and protection, and because you asked about your life purpose. Since you are a lightworker, I am overseeing the fruition of your Divine life purpose. You have been a lightworker for a long time, and you have felt different from others, isolated at times. Be assured that you have never been alone, and that you never will be alone. When you feel pushed to make a change at work or at home, that may be my influence, encouraging you to make your life's purpose a high priority. I can rearrange your schedule and support you in other ways to make your path smooth and harmonious. Simply ask me, and it is done. I will also help you feel safe and comfortable during your life's changes. ~~~ Amen. Amen. Amen. Help me with that which I don't know to want. I just don...

One can hope. And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind? Do I really treat other people like that? Of course. And I am sorry. I don't know why I still do it. I'm trying so very, very hard. So hard, I am. So hard. And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people. I don't want to do that. I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons? I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense th...

Unfinished conversations,                  half-baked plans. A present given with so much thought and love that I could almost cry; had I any tears left. A year on and the promise that I thought I had made to life                 has petered out; it barely smoulders. Such are the vicious repetitive cycles of the life I choose for myself,                 unforgiving, mundane, a continuously dumping on myself, such is the blank Love is so much harder to come by,                and once again, the unspoken questions stain my lips Is this it? Is this all? How is it that the things that people hold dear, I feel nothing for? Surely I didn't sign up for this lack of feeling, f...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

On a high yesterday, crashing today. I hate colds. They suck the living out of a person. I shall set my intentions for this week. "I am willing to let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me." Ignore and forget about Facebook until the 23rd of January 2010 i.e. 8 days from today. I can do it! Take that one course I will take. Yoga and meditation daily (starts tonight) Moon meditation at the full moon - this Wednesday. Will freeze my ass off, but must be done. Buy papers for my mandalas. Dance and sing daily. Walk daily. Eat raw as much as possible. Let go of chocolates and biscuits and crisps. Love celery and carrots! And eat less than I crave. Distract myself each time I think about Irish and his psycho girlfriend. Pray to Allah for forgetfulness and indifference. I have to be honest to at least myself: I'm romanticising everything, even after reading He's Just Not T...

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?" I fear men (the male species) I hate men (the male species) I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained. I will not even begin lo...

Today's tarot says: Love: The 5 of Pentacles is not a particularly happy indicator when it comes to love questions, unfortunately. You may have your eye on someone who you feel is not treating you the way they should. It may be that you need to stop fantasizing about this person entirely. This card can be very much a card of feeling left out in the cold.  It's important to remember that there is never only one person that we can be with and have a soul-level, happy, meaningful relationship.  When love is right, you don't have to do back flips to make it work. True say. I knew it shouldn't have been that hard to make it work. In spite of my messing up countless of times. A mute sphinx is and shall remain a mute sphinx - acting like a Valley Girl on speed does not change that, and acting like a doped, emotionally manipulative, bipolar psycho-bitch has just lowered yourself immensely in your own estimation and has not changed his decisions or his thoughts or his f...

Madness. Mess. Meh . Men. Correction: male species. It takes a lot for me to call someone a man. The Prophet was a man, Imam Ali was a man, Imam Mahdi is a man, Agha Khoei was a man. Me not fulfilling my capabilities. My purpose. They are banging my head over and over with the signs and it's me who has to say to myself.. hello, knock knock, is it getting through? And I feel stuck... so release the feeling. You know now that these emotions and feelings aren't static. I went on the SimplyShia website out of fear. Sameera told me to start looking now because of her own sad experiences. So, stupid Suki did. Now if that's not tempting fate, I haven't a clue what is. Oh, btw , Irish's (that's how he will be for me forever now, I'd call him Arrogant, Weird-Ass Prick, but Irish is a nicer touch, so much more genteel) cousin died on Eid ul Adha , 18 th November 2010, Thursday night. 26 year old dies of a heart attack. Unfathomable. So he emailed me about it y...

How can he not know how I felt/feel? (still confused)... I told him after three freaking weeks! I guess it must be because of something interesting I read today in Imran's horoscope for tomorrow: "Because women are so often the targets of one's unconscious projections (no matter whether you are male or female) , this influence is often associated with arguments with women. However, anyone who activates an unconscious belief or thought pattern will be a source of difficulty for you at this time. " From: Sukaina Juma To: Imran Lakha Sent: Tue, 7 September, 2010 20:31:38 Subject: The promised email If you're the type of person who prefers to rip off the Elastoplast in one go to get it over with, read this now. If you want to wait till you can think properly, read this whenever that time is. Just let me know which it is you've done. ~~~ Dear Imran, Salaam. I've been agonising the entire day about how to write this (well, during ...

Your Type Four EnneaThought sm for November 13 th — Remember that your cognitive error is to identify with your changing feelings and emotional states, especially negative ones. Since your feelings constantly change, your identity does as well, undermining many of your psychological needs. Notice this tendency in your thinking today. ( Understanding the Enneagram , 91) What do I feel, then? Flat. Numb. Non-existent. There have been emails exchanged between myself and Imran that I don't want to post up - they are too personal. Wow, Sukaina actually knows what privacy means again! In a nutshell, he asked me what I meant by us having a connection. I told him "It means what it says on the tin." (yes, very witty). So then he wrote - Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger ... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s t...