Spent

"Life is a long lesson in humility" ~ J.M. Barrie

I can't even find the words, because they all sound empty.

I am disappointed with myself.

For remaining human. For fumbling, for still being blind and still looking to others to make me feel good (or bad) inside.

For still holding envy, arrogance, competitiveness, jealousy, neediness...

For still wanting a life partner. Why should I? Am I not good enough as I am now? Who gives an EFF if he's "ahead" of me, holding his hand backwards towards me, to help me up (I didn't see it, soemone else did - and that's only her interpretation)?

If my connection with Allah, my angels, spirit guides, prophets and Imams aren't there - then there's no point in focussing on anybody else, is there?

He's not here now, he wasn't there my entire life, was he? Whoever Travis is.

I'm still alone. I'm still trying to let go of Imran completely. I still have to make my own life.

I'm still crying.

I'm still human.

I may be enough, but I am still human.

With multiple and fluctuating personality ripples.

An attention-seeker.

Who doesn't have a job.

Who needs someone to spend one and a half hours of their time to get me to agree to writing bullet points for my job application.

Who keeps writing and theorising and coming up with nothing much.

Whose spiritual experiences are NOT those of a magician or a witch: with visions and feelings and manifestations of the simple things like my rose and clear quartz, my tea towels, my pink pen.

The lesson are those of: why is she still sweating the small stuff, will she be able to control her impatience and selfish impulses today with her father, with Elisabeth, with her friends and all the people in her life, with the people who will bump into her or not smile at her in the street, with the confusion that surrounds her regarding this longing and attachment to beautiful Imran...

With either feeling more intelligent, wise and blessed than people, or with feeling totally unblessed when she compares herself to the psychic tricks and experiences of others.

With wanting to fix her life, manifest the life of her dreams, lead a charmed and lucky life, DO THINGS, have people who need her enough to want to be in contact with her...

My lessons are to do with how to deal with insincerity in myself and in others, in choosing who to rely on and who to just let be, in eating the proper things (I eat crap and so how am I honouring myself or my body, how will I become more aware and awakened? All I do is act on my eating impulses, to stuff the emotions I can't bear to face right now - othewrise I would be facing them wouldn't I?)...

My lessons are to save myself from poking a knitting needle in my heart or my ego when I expect others to comfort me - or expect the wrong people to care and to comfort me.

My lessons are to understand that I'm not going according to my plan... and forgiving myself for coming across block after block, bolted door after bolted door (and only recently realising it), of not being able to ease the pain in someone's heart, of not being able to do what I truly desire _ I really want to become a counsellor and pyschotherapist. I really want to study at CCPE in January 2012. I really wanna take all those weekend courses.

And I need to move out - apparently.

I really wanna be able to earn my own money.

And...I pray to You Allah, I pray to You.

Show me the way, connect with me, let me know that I am on the right path, that even though it seems like I am at a complete standstill all of the time, I am actually not.

That I am fulfilling my promises to you.

Am I?

Am I?

I don't even pray my salaat - so if I can't do the small things, then obviously I must be breaking so many promises I made to you. This is another lesson in humility: it's a simple concept. So do it.

27 years old... feeling envious of all the beautiful Muslim couples I come across now when going to or coming back from the hospital (when I'm trying to convince another person that age is of no consequence), of looking at the fit brown guys and wishing I was attractive to them, of not being attractive enough for anyone to notice me or hit on me (why choose these emotions and desires that isn't helpful to my self-esteem levels).

Of really wanting to get laid and of marrying and having that connection, a much more beautiful one that I had with Imran. I want it now, when I know that's not the way to go about it. Sacrifice? Ha ha, bless, Immy, bless.) Of being so attracted to brown skin ever since him? Of perhaps not ever beign able to forget him (or even forgive him)?

It's really not that big of a deal - it didn't work out, life throws me lemons constantly! (Conscious, pragmatic, masculine side of me...)

Desiring to shine, become influential, being a source of happy and joy and not being able to do that for myself, firstly.

Desirous of "lightening up" and not knowing HOW to take that next step.

I suppose the different child parts of me, and my soul, are feeling seriously neglected.

I would like some guidance from somebody more attuned to me as I am now, who is willing to spend that time with me. A wise and compassionate and awakened and aware person. Someone I'd like to be in two years time, and even more so in five years time, an even more so in....(infine, google concept)

I am willing to spend that time with other people, but I have no experience, no class, no professional manner. I'm like a tiny puppy who is overenthusiastic and affectionate and drooling and licking everyone. And then I turn into hedgehog when I don't get the pats and treats the human in me ultimately expects.... and I'd like to make a career out of it as well, so that drags me down when I'm not able to.

And then I turn to You and ask You to fulfil the human part of me for love and affection and adoration.

I turn to You because of my confusion. I turn to you because of my clarity.

For today, I set the intention to do those bullet points and send them to Caroline and write really badly. Yoga, meditation, prayer, cleaning house, reading, arranging appointment with Mark.

Prayer and prayer and affirmations and gratitude.

I am grateful to You for opening up my psychic abilities so much from this moment on, in a manner that is suitable to me and I can handle completely.

I bless my willingness, ability and success in turning my base emotions of envy, jealousy, longing, anger, guilt, resentment, such longing, dissatisfaction with the decree, my sense of what "should have been, what should be", my confusion and lack of clarity and desire to sabotage and not do, my resistances and blocks, and desire to be noticed and loved and cuddled, my desire to be co-dependent, my desire to have the things that are obviously not mine to have now, or ever, my lack of discernment and subtlety, my desire to continue making the same mistakes, my lack of awareness, my overwhelm and desire to give it all up again...

into all that You are and all that You know I can become.

I need HELP. I need LIGHT. I need inspiration. I need hope. I need perspective.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Thank you for all the calm You give me.

I plead to you - the soul is covered, the heart doesn't know, the mind is confused, I continuously look to one person, then another because of loneliness.... and I am not connected to those from whom I would benefit from calling to.

I no longer fit in my community at all... how can I help those who might be open to it, what do I do, where do I find them?

Transmute my ineffectiveness into effectiveness and mindfulness and providential timing and synchronicity.

Help me. I'm spent.

Help me with my financial abundance, oh Khayrur Raaziqeen.

Maybe dancing will shift this.Or yoga. Or both. And salaat. And meditation. Got a long day ahead of me. Help me!