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En attendant...

This is what I finally wrote yesterday, 3 minutes before the library computer shut down :p

"Hmm... interesting. Thanks for the compliment :) Two days and I still don't have a reply. Argh. I write my stuff in pages and you shut me up in two sentences. Argh. :p

So, instead, I shall wish you Eid Mubarak for Eid e Mubahila, belated Eid Mubarak for Eid e Ghadir and... obviously, a belated Happy Birthday.

27 years old. Hmm... lol.

It's also two weeks today since your cousin died. How's your aunt coping? His wife? And you? And your family?

Email me. Don't like the formatting here."

I checked an hour ago - he's read it. No email from him. Hence I cried a little just now. Does it really have to be this confusing and lame-assed?

Also, what the heck do you want, Sukaina? What is it that you want?

God. Help me. Please. I need some kind of resolution. If it's high hopes, illusion and imagination and fantasy, TELL ME! If he's the real deal and all the numerology and horoscope is right, then TELL ME! If the istekhara still is the same, then TELL ME!

No one else is going through this exact shit - NO ONE ELSE IS.

No one has this stupid istekhara business hanging over their heads like a sabre, waiting to chop off their head.

People get married left, right and centre. And here I am. And there (somewhere, probably having yet another amazing weekend planned and executed - being the last one before Muharram starts) he is. Probably with the latest girl he's met on SimplyShia or on his FB or wherever the fuck he spends his time.

And I'm the saddo who spent her entire day at Tesco and at the library because she can't stand her father at home all the time. I'm the one who chose to be a fucking INFP, 4w5, Wood Rat, female, depressed, self absorbed, egotistical, not doing much, too scared to fulfil my potential, can't even go forward, frigging dependent on others to tell me what to do.

I'm the one feeling isolated and abandoned by Allah again.

What is going on? Why is it so complicated? WHY?
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