The past year has been as challenging as the previous two. All of our lives, we all face challenges, but this year...
It's just shown me things don't come easily.
Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam.
Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break.
Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly.
I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction.
I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back.
I want my faith in my deen Islam back.
But that's what I want.
Only You know what I need.
It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children.
Why?
I'm going to have to release myself from those two spiritual vows and start anew.
I need love, we all do. But I need it. I need the right person, my steady Muslim Shia soul mate, who can't really be called Travis, anymore, can he? That was another Sukaina.
But, I still hate cooking and I don't really care enough for the people already in my life. Father being a prime example. Or, myself.
Why do I hate cooking so much? And why do I constantly reject my femininity as weak and stupid? I feel disgust when I am attracted to girly things, shiny things, frivolous things.
Today my tears collect constantly in my throat.
If I ooze sex, that's why I chose not be around men. Maybe I'm a whore. I do get feelings with most men I just randomly pass. The ones I might not even find attractive. It's just their maleness, the testosterone, the virility turns me on. I can't meet them in the eye; my shyness might be a cover for the unacceptable, irrepressible and unreleasable sexual desire and energy. I vicariously sublimated or whatever through movies. Why do you think I like films like The English Patient and Legends of the Fall and that J Lo one, Angel Eyes, so much? S.E.X.
26 and 8 months and still alone. Out of choice. (And a virgin :p). Why? While in my head, I'm a little 5 year old kid who shirks responsibility and real life. Putting my personality type of INFP aside, they all have grown up. Why can't I see the benefits of growing up? Of truly becoming an adult?
26 years and 8 months and still actively resisting work, hard work, because it's not only hard and requires consistency and effort, but because I feel I'm too good for it, or that things should come easily to me - because I'm "special". And, therefore, I am actively resisting my abundance.
Good news, today I'm not feeling any lovey-dovey or obsessive feelings for he-who-must-not-be-mentioned because it's an old, broken record now. I looked at a few other emails: I was attracted and attached to him on an other-worldly level. But in real life, and on the plane of compatibility: there wasn't any.
I was acting out roles for him: playful kitten, dominatrix, tease, counsellor, healer, good girl, religious girl - all trying to impress and to be accepted.
But I still get no understanding.
I am praying against all hopes that tomorrow is a much better day for me than today.
For the sake of Hussain (a.s.)
It's just shown me things don't come easily.
Faith. Love. Trust. Abundance. Clarity. Knowledge. True love. True friendship. Equanimity. Closure. Understanding. Peace. Flow. Confidence. Trust in God, faith in Islam.
Not for me; I've resisted for so long, the patterns are hard to break.
Maybe I just don't like losing. Maybe, in my head, it just makes sense that pieces should fall into place seamlessly.
I want to be in a place whereby people, and love, and humanity and life doesn't scare me into stillness and inaction.
I want to be able to move forth, trust and know that He has my back.
I want my faith in my deen Islam back.
But that's what I want.
Only You know what I need.
It just seems a little dysfunctional that I had proclaimed all those years ago: I am never going to marry and I don't want any children.
Why?
I'm going to have to release myself from those two spiritual vows and start anew.
I need love, we all do. But I need it. I need the right person, my steady Muslim Shia soul mate, who can't really be called Travis, anymore, can he? That was another Sukaina.
But, I still hate cooking and I don't really care enough for the people already in my life. Father being a prime example. Or, myself.
Why do I hate cooking so much? And why do I constantly reject my femininity as weak and stupid? I feel disgust when I am attracted to girly things, shiny things, frivolous things.
Today my tears collect constantly in my throat.
If I ooze sex, that's why I chose not be around men. Maybe I'm a whore. I do get feelings with most men I just randomly pass. The ones I might not even find attractive. It's just their maleness, the testosterone, the virility turns me on. I can't meet them in the eye; my shyness might be a cover for the unacceptable, irrepressible and unreleasable sexual desire and energy. I vicariously sublimated or whatever through movies. Why do you think I like films like The English Patient and Legends of the Fall and that J Lo one, Angel Eyes, so much? S.E.X.
26 and 8 months and still alone. Out of choice. (And a virgin :p). Why? While in my head, I'm a little 5 year old kid who shirks responsibility and real life. Putting my personality type of INFP aside, they all have grown up. Why can't I see the benefits of growing up? Of truly becoming an adult?
26 years and 8 months and still actively resisting work, hard work, because it's not only hard and requires consistency and effort, but because I feel I'm too good for it, or that things should come easily to me - because I'm "special". And, therefore, I am actively resisting my abundance.
Good news, today I'm not feeling any lovey-dovey or obsessive feelings for he-who-must-not-be-mentioned because it's an old, broken record now. I looked at a few other emails: I was attracted and attached to him on an other-worldly level. But in real life, and on the plane of compatibility: there wasn't any.
I was acting out roles for him: playful kitten, dominatrix, tease, counsellor, healer, good girl, religious girl - all trying to impress and to be accepted.
But I still get no understanding.
I am praying against all hopes that tomorrow is a much better day for me than today.
For the sake of Hussain (a.s.)
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