I'm going to see if the poem comes out; if it doesn't that's okay
My quest for recognition through the other blog has begun to leave a sour taste in my mouth Especially after yesterday's blog I guess I can take a break, if I'm meant to get a job or fame on that basis, there's enough on it for now - but it really wasn't a quest, not all of it, some of it just came out and had to be published
*sigh*
why do I sound like a freak when I say these things?
I've lost it, yesterday I completely lost it and I really dislike that hysterical person, that shadow, the not in control childish, bothered by everything person - why? Because she is the reason why people run away - she is the shadow of who I was last year, she's the saddo who still remembers dates and then repeats them to dear yet abused friends on the phone (yes, Ash, you!) or writes them on the blog
Do you wanna know today's date? The text he sent me saying he missed speaking to me and wanted to speak soon The text in which he called me Suki
This hysterical side of me is what made him run away and lack all respect for me, he cannot be bothered to email me or *sigh* Let it go Suki, I don't care if God's made everyone beautiful, he's a BUM!
And after yesterday's conversation, and the ones before with countless of girls and women, I am really beginning to believe that there are seriously no Muslim men around of calibre - or that I have seriously overestimated what I deserve and need and want from a spouse, my husband, lover, friend- that maybe I can only get true, Real Love from my girl friends because honestly they accept me with all my flaws and spots on my face, which is teaching me to do the same for myself, which then allows me to open my heart and accept and love them for all that they are, and then soon it shall be the same for my family, and then the world
But a man? I mean, of course I see so many beautiful marriages *sighs and changes her broken record*
And I'm feeling a lot better today, much better than yesterday The sun is out, a bonus!
I haven't been to finish off my job in two days and it's going to have to happen tonight and this weekend
Instead, I went to the park for a walk, sat by the river and watched the current flow - gave my worries to Him - and then grabbed them back as soon as I came home - hence my hysterical fits
The tiny, tiny straws that keep breaking the camel's back
And it breaks my heart to see that so many people in my life - even Art! - are going through so many challenges and I want to help and I can't even help myself, can't even get off my arse to go for a walk and do something that would make me feel better and progress me
Two days ago, I was crawled on the floor, begging You for mercy, and the familiar and so harsh feelings of loneliness and the feelings of undeservability came to me again
Again!
Again!
Today is the first of Dhul Hijjah, I'm sure there are a bazillion duas and salaats I could have recited yesterday or could recite today
I'm inventing my own dua:
My Thy names be praised You have graced me with remembrance and also the sense of lack of nearness to Thee,
So I call unto Thee again
I need You to make me strong to completely overcome these issues so I am a rock for others, I can be that healer that person, the person I am not the person I pretend to be
The one who forgets who she is, what all this is about
I had 27 years to be a wreck
Give me 27 years to life others up, to be a role model
To gain closeness to you
Humility
Awareness, awakening
Movement, action, enough with the empty talk and no action
Of being stuck here
Respect, let respect emanate from me so I can treat myself and others with utmost repsect and receive the same
To make sense,
To make new mistakes, not repeat the same rubbishy old ones
Give me the memory to find Ingrid's number so I can make an appointment and get my Bach Flower Remedies
There are so many girls who need and want and deserve to get married to the best men for them: grant it to them already!
These men cannot be extinct, these loving, mature men cannot be myths of my creation, can they be?
Make me strong to not want to pander to the opinions and whims of others
I am Lost
I give all of this up to Thee
It's all a hue and cry, signifying nothing
Release me of my servitude to numbers and star and planetary movements and energies coming in and idiotic Mayan calendars
Give me MY TRUTH
Give me silence and closeness to Thee
You are looking for God; that is the problem, said Rumi
So what then?
Ebb, ebb ebbing away
My life is ebbing away
Look at the very first post of this blog, it was in yet another month of October and still the same stuff
Rehash, rehash rehash
I am a co-creator, yes, but give me a break
Give us all a break
It seems we've been in cocoons all of our lives and they keep saying you're breaking us free
Are you?
If there is no devil and not punishment, then why is it there in the Holy Book?
If even the Quran is a man made creation as someone told me, then what is sacred? what is truth?
even my words are all choppy today - I doubt the poem shall come out today
Back to gratitude: I'm still in London, the sun is shining, I'm safe and okay
I can create a new day - now I've dumped all the gunk on this page
Make Me Strong ~ Sami Yusuf
I would have embedded it, but my computer is acting up - at least the audio magically came back this morning
Bizarreness *sigh*
And I'm still focusing on what - and who - I am missing :P
Postcard: Don't ask what's missing; enjoy what's there
Today's humour:
My quest for recognition through the other blog has begun to leave a sour taste in my mouth Especially after yesterday's blog I guess I can take a break, if I'm meant to get a job or fame on that basis, there's enough on it for now - but it really wasn't a quest, not all of it, some of it just came out and had to be published
*sigh*
why do I sound like a freak when I say these things?
I've lost it, yesterday I completely lost it and I really dislike that hysterical person, that shadow, the not in control childish, bothered by everything person - why? Because she is the reason why people run away - she is the shadow of who I was last year, she's the saddo who still remembers dates and then repeats them to dear yet abused friends on the phone (yes, Ash, you!) or writes them on the blog
Do you wanna know today's date? The text he sent me saying he missed speaking to me and wanted to speak soon The text in which he called me Suki
This hysterical side of me is what made him run away and lack all respect for me, he cannot be bothered to email me or *sigh* Let it go Suki, I don't care if God's made everyone beautiful, he's a BUM!
And after yesterday's conversation, and the ones before with countless of girls and women, I am really beginning to believe that there are seriously no Muslim men around of calibre - or that I have seriously overestimated what I deserve and need and want from a spouse, my husband, lover, friend- that maybe I can only get true, Real Love from my girl friends because honestly they accept me with all my flaws and spots on my face, which is teaching me to do the same for myself, which then allows me to open my heart and accept and love them for all that they are, and then soon it shall be the same for my family, and then the world
But a man? I mean, of course I see so many beautiful marriages *sighs and changes her broken record*
And I'm feeling a lot better today, much better than yesterday The sun is out, a bonus!
I haven't been to finish off my job in two days and it's going to have to happen tonight and this weekend
Instead, I went to the park for a walk, sat by the river and watched the current flow - gave my worries to Him - and then grabbed them back as soon as I came home - hence my hysterical fits
The tiny, tiny straws that keep breaking the camel's back
And it breaks my heart to see that so many people in my life - even Art! - are going through so many challenges and I want to help and I can't even help myself, can't even get off my arse to go for a walk and do something that would make me feel better and progress me
Two days ago, I was crawled on the floor, begging You for mercy, and the familiar and so harsh feelings of loneliness and the feelings of undeservability came to me again
Again!
Again!
Today is the first of Dhul Hijjah, I'm sure there are a bazillion duas and salaats I could have recited yesterday or could recite today
I'm inventing my own dua:
My Thy names be praised You have graced me with remembrance and also the sense of lack of nearness to Thee,
So I call unto Thee again
I need You to make me strong to completely overcome these issues so I am a rock for others, I can be that healer that person, the person I am not the person I pretend to be
The one who forgets who she is, what all this is about
I had 27 years to be a wreck
Give me 27 years to life others up, to be a role model
To gain closeness to you
Humility
Awareness, awakening
Movement, action, enough with the empty talk and no action
Of being stuck here
Respect, let respect emanate from me so I can treat myself and others with utmost repsect and receive the same
To make sense,
To make new mistakes, not repeat the same rubbishy old ones
Give me the memory to find Ingrid's number so I can make an appointment and get my Bach Flower Remedies
There are so many girls who need and want and deserve to get married to the best men for them: grant it to them already!
These men cannot be extinct, these loving, mature men cannot be myths of my creation, can they be?
Make me strong to not want to pander to the opinions and whims of others
I am Lost
I give all of this up to Thee
It's all a hue and cry, signifying nothing
Release me of my servitude to numbers and star and planetary movements and energies coming in and idiotic Mayan calendars
Give me MY TRUTH
Give me silence and closeness to Thee
You are looking for God; that is the problem, said Rumi
So what then?
Ebb, ebb ebbing away
My life is ebbing away
Look at the very first post of this blog, it was in yet another month of October and still the same stuff
Rehash, rehash rehash
I am a co-creator, yes, but give me a break
Give us all a break
It seems we've been in cocoons all of our lives and they keep saying you're breaking us free
Are you?
If there is no devil and not punishment, then why is it there in the Holy Book?
If even the Quran is a man made creation as someone told me, then what is sacred? what is truth?
even my words are all choppy today - I doubt the poem shall come out today
Back to gratitude: I'm still in London, the sun is shining, I'm safe and okay
I can create a new day - now I've dumped all the gunk on this page
Make Me Strong ~ Sami Yusuf
I would have embedded it, but my computer is acting up - at least the audio magically came back this morning
Bizarreness *sigh*
And I'm still focusing on what - and who - I am missing :P
Postcard: Don't ask what's missing; enjoy what's there
Today's humour:
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