Third Eye

One can hope.

And one can once again ask Allah: please stop bringing stupid-head people and situations in my life. I hate their judgement, their empty words and their assumptions about me. Why are they being so blind?

Do I really treat other people like that?

Of course. And I am sorry.

I don't know why I still do it.

I'm trying so very, very hard.

So hard, I am.

So hard.

And I can tell, because I am getting annoyed by my own self once again, that I must really be stepping on the toes of other people.

I don't want to do that.

I only reach out because I see it as connecting. And behaving opposite to my regular behaviour patterns of hiding away like a hurt turtle. And I'm so lonely and I need more real-life people in my life. Sane people. feather dusters. I'm so tired of all the people who are lessons and lessons and lessons..... why are there no enjoyable lessons?

I may have angels and spirit guides around me, but can I see them? Can I sense them? Do they even care abut me enough to try to contact me? I doubt it.

Help me, please.

Please help me.

And I pray to you from my heart, please stop her from acting like this. It's hurting me too much. Why on Earth is she still acting like this? It was okay when I was a stupid-head and didn't know anything.

I still don't know anything. And, the only thing I am aware of is that she knows nothing about me, whereas before I assumed she knew a lot about me. She has her own stuff going on. And that's what I would prefer she focus on.

I put aside my hurt feelings and still chose to communicate.

And then this is what I got, another redundant, wordy email.Asking questions that are clunky words, of no real value to me. Which is why I've never been able to answer them. Because they are not the right questions. They are, to be blunt, stupid and clueless. And useless. The stuff that works for her DOES NOT work for me.


Her words mean nothing to me. I don't understand them; they just don't make any sense to me. And I am being deceitful by not telling her. I know it's useless. It's just my ego being hurt again and again and again. I can't do it. It's useless to tell her. It won't change my situation or my feelings or my reality or her. So why do it? One thing less to answer for.

I know she means well.

But there's a time for silence. A time for letting me be. A time for letting me rant because I can't find any other way of dealing with it. A time to ignroe all the somewhat quick and unmindful things I had to say about your situation.

A time for allowing it to sink in that I am an intelligent person, somewhat awakening, somewhat aware of all that is and is deeply frustrated because I still can't bloody manifest things. A single damned thing.

I'm only this frustrated because I have this deep knowing now.

And if other people can do it, WHY CAN'T I?



And if I'm still hoping for things or for people in my life (and, yes, of course I mean I still hope for Imran, that I don't have to go through this with a new guy), it's only because that's the way I know how to survive the disillusion and the loneliness and the confusion.

I'm working hard on removing all that which I have and continue to absorb. I'm fighting this by myself, mostly.

I choose not to be in pain all the time. It's not necessary for me.

I can live in a romantic fantasy sometimes. I can remain ungrounded sometimes.

I've done it for 27 years of my life. I am a dreamer. Leave me be sometimes.

I don't live in your world.
You live in your world.
Other people live in their worlds.

I live in my world.

Isn't everything a fantasy, anyway?

And the other? She makes promises that I know the moment she makes them, they won't actually be kept. So why bother? Why? Why act upon ego and personality, and not upon something higher? I'm sure a soul-contract reading won't change my life in the slightest.

I just hate how, when I'm on a good day, I'll be happy and loving. I'll walk three hours to three different libraries out of the will to do something that will benefit your business and your career. Because I'm too cheap to pay the bus fair. And because it is expensive, and as usual, outgoing is a lot more than incoming. And, also, I like walking, it was a nice day, and I got to see the Wimbledon College of Art exhibition as well.

It wasn't all for her. I don't do that.

And then, when I'm like this, I censure myself for being so gullible. Toujours la meme histoire.


Has anything else?

The only thing it will tell me is that which I already know: I'm screwed. I've forgotten my life script. And now it's been edited or completely rehashed.

I'm so exhausted. I've been exhausted for an entire week and a half now.

God, you may have told me why, through Ingrid.

Thank You for blessing me with such a full 20 minute healing today. God bless her, as well.

Still doesn't change anything, does it?

I keep seeing demons everywhere. Oh, shit. "The devils are everywhere!" Ha ha. Fail.
Try, fail, repeat.
Try, fail, repeat,
Try, fall in love, fail, break into pieces because we both are beautiful people on our own. It could have ended differently perhaps. Had I chosen to wake up earlier. Sod-awful timing.

End of.

I am so bloody tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. I know why now, and I ask You to help me.

I give it all up to you.

I mean it.

Overextended is one thing.

I've been gnawing upon my own self that now I am practically sawdust.

P.S. When am I going to Najaf and Karbala? I still want to go be with Imam Hussain on the day of Arafat. Show me the signs, show me the synchronicities. I'm getting nothing from the mosques here. Nothing from  Sheikh Arif - I refuse to contact a person who can not respect me enough to respond to my emails. What is he goign to help me with anyway? I need specialsit help. That's you, o Ali, o Hussain, o Abbas, o Zaynab. YOU.  I need to go to source. Please. I need a vacation, I need a pilgrimage.

Please Imam Hussayn. Please. Please. Please.

Let me prove that I never required an Imran to take me there for pilgrimage.

And that I am coming to Iraq for my own reasons and purposes and it will all fit in. Unlike my trip to Iran.

Please, Allah.

Please.

Please.

Help me change and shift and align and all those horribly fancy words they keep using.

Save my face from asking from anyone other than You.

I want to go to Najaf and Karbala this Dhil Hijjah.

I need those miracle energies in me. I need to reconnect to them. Sidestep all the cultural and programming crap.

Still searching for the lights... and they still are nowhere to be found... why? Why is it impossible to keep on track? Why?

Why can't I find the right people in my life to help me? Why?

And why do I have to keep on asking and smearing my face in humiliation when I get refusal after rejection after complete refusal to respond?

I ask You... so why do I have to then ask them?