I had stopped thinking about him, I had reached some sort of finality. Closure was upon me.
Then it is the 9th of Muharram, and I start re-reading the emails we sent each other. I am a masochist, I chose the one he wrote about the girl who was obviously one of his soul mates and so he felt he had lost someone and was to "never to forget the past" etc.
I then think of him on Ashura, of all the days, while at the mosque: first, I wonder where he's doing his commemoration (at Stanmore?) and secondly, I want to go to Iraq this year (he said he would take me, not seriously of course, he never was serious). And then I think, I'll email him and tell him when I go. And get him a nice ring, a small, classy one, not like the big-ass one he currently wears.
No matter what my dearest best friend says about him and I not meaning to be life partners and spouses, and that I didn't really want the relationship to work out, that it was my experimenting and experiencing life (which I do agree, he just seems too rigid, traditional, not up-to-speed with me, we are both very different people and have contrasting likes, etc), in spite of so many incompatibilities and inconsistencies, in spite of my not liking to cook or go to the mosque on a regular basis, is spite of my being embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my life and my family, in spite of him being such a sheep (he changed his profile photo to his favourite childhood cartoon like the rest of the flock -for DAYS) and me finding fault with that, derision, in fact: there's still a strong connection with him. I miss talking to him.
Now guess who's wishing he was still her FB buddy? I deleted him to honour myself. But I also ended up cutting him off from me forever. But that's because he let me go first. So, why torture myself?
I still hope he'll contact me, send me an email. I've made my FB settings security settings low so that he can still stalk me if he wants to. Yes, I am that sad. And now I have other randoms commenting on my posts rather than him clicking "like" to anything anymore.
Sukaina, is it really going to happen? Hardly. Not when you're, once again, looking to him to fill the empty space within. He has his own empty space. Just as you cannot fill that empty space, no matter how much you wanted to, he can't fill yours. Your empty space is yours. It's up to you to fill it with self-love.
But, no. He is not for me. He adds too many girls to his list and gets bored easily when things don't progress. And I kept attacking him and using violence of my words and actions to hit him.
Sadist.
But it still doesn't change the fact that I seriously miss something: whether it's the feeling of being in love, the feeling of being liked by a male gendered person, the sometimes flowing and synchronous mind-spirit connection I felt with him. Or the fun times I had, I really did enjoy his company, and he said he enjoyed mine, and I believe he meant it.
Thank you very much, Mercury Retrograde (makes you ponder over past relationships and miss your ex-lovers, apparently).
No probs, it'll be over by New Years. I can deal with the heart and tummy burn. They'd gone for quite some time.
I just hope that, jiss tarha uss ki yaad mujhey sataati hai, ussi tarha meri yaad usko bhi sattaye.
Because, otherwise, what's the point in my being his soul mate, if I don't even have an effect on him the way he does on me? That I don't pop up in his mind at least once in a while, maybe when I'm sending him Reiki or laughing at something he wrote or said.
Then I was wrong about the connection and will never be able to find out what this was/is.
I have this urgent need to know, why did this happen? Why him? Why me? Even if they say that there is no why and it doesn't change anything, I am hounded by this.
For me, because I am so selective, it holds paramount importance. I've never had anyone have such an impact on me. I felt safe. I really did think he was the one. I think I would have even have settled for him being my brother - at least in the beginning, before I fell in obsession with him.
Because if it was love, true love, I wouldn't be over him so quickly, would I? And he would feel the same for me. True love is two-way, not unrequited. Unrequited love is just not true love. It's just me, sitting here, time-wasting and self-torturing. And stunting my growth.
Obsessed by with, with him. Why? I have been obsessed with Umair before this, true (and I was trying to repeat my pattern with him recently, but he stopped it, thank God) and then random crushes from Years 1 -9.
I just so much want to be loved and to love. To exist, to be the one for somebody. The way I have dreamt. The way I know that my Travis is out there. But why can't the self-love just happen so I'm not desperately seeking it from outside?
I thought it was going to be easy. I thought wrong.
If I can manage to let go of my clingy attachment to him and letting go of the still burning candle and hope that somehow it'll work out and we are meant to be, if I can manage to do that, my life will be a lot easier. My mind will be free from niggling, sometimes torturous, thoughts.
I can let real love flow into my life.
But I still miss him. He is a very deep, spiritual and poetic guy. With a heart of gold. And funny. And kind, and beautiful and sexy and... oh God, here we go again! But, what do I know? I never met the guy. Just needed someone new to obsess over.
I need love. I don't see why I keep pushing it away. Why is it so complicated and intricate and in-depth for us lot, whereas other people just plop and drop and marry at the drop of a hat?
Why did I take up such a hard life path and vow and task if I am now seriously regretting it and not doing what I'm meant to because it's really hard work? And scary? And I'm not sure of the result?
I am not liking being alone and lonely and isolated and feeling like I'm an alien and don't belong.
Although that has lessened considerably.
I talk too much and think of the most randomly silliest of things.
Oh Allah, my dearest Prophet and Imams. Guide me, help me, for my nafs is trying to deceive me again.
I really need to stop resisting my career. But I want love in my life. Again.... did it really have to be si confusant?
I think if I had a cat, it would numb some of the pain. Come to think of it, in the years I had my cats, I would find boys sexy and attractive, but I did not start anything with them. I crushed on Umair while in TO and Imran here. There are no cats to be seen - and no, the snow kitten, as belle as she is, doesn't count!
Then it is the 9th of Muharram, and I start re-reading the emails we sent each other. I am a masochist, I chose the one he wrote about the girl who was obviously one of his soul mates and so he felt he had lost someone and was to "never to forget the past" etc.
I then think of him on Ashura, of all the days, while at the mosque: first, I wonder where he's doing his commemoration (at Stanmore?) and secondly, I want to go to Iraq this year (he said he would take me, not seriously of course, he never was serious). And then I think, I'll email him and tell him when I go. And get him a nice ring, a small, classy one, not like the big-ass one he currently wears.
No matter what my dearest best friend says about him and I not meaning to be life partners and spouses, and that I didn't really want the relationship to work out, that it was my experimenting and experiencing life (which I do agree, he just seems too rigid, traditional, not up-to-speed with me, we are both very different people and have contrasting likes, etc), in spite of so many incompatibilities and inconsistencies, in spite of my not liking to cook or go to the mosque on a regular basis, is spite of my being embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my life and my family, in spite of him being such a sheep (he changed his profile photo to his favourite childhood cartoon like the rest of the flock -for DAYS) and me finding fault with that, derision, in fact: there's still a strong connection with him. I miss talking to him.
Now guess who's wishing he was still her FB buddy? I deleted him to honour myself. But I also ended up cutting him off from me forever. But that's because he let me go first. So, why torture myself?
I still hope he'll contact me, send me an email. I've made my FB settings security settings low so that he can still stalk me if he wants to. Yes, I am that sad. And now I have other randoms commenting on my posts rather than him clicking "like" to anything anymore.
Sukaina, is it really going to happen? Hardly. Not when you're, once again, looking to him to fill the empty space within. He has his own empty space. Just as you cannot fill that empty space, no matter how much you wanted to, he can't fill yours. Your empty space is yours. It's up to you to fill it with self-love.
But, no. He is not for me. He adds too many girls to his list and gets bored easily when things don't progress. And I kept attacking him and using violence of my words and actions to hit him.
Sadist.
But it still doesn't change the fact that I seriously miss something: whether it's the feeling of being in love, the feeling of being liked by a male gendered person, the sometimes flowing and synchronous mind-spirit connection I felt with him. Or the fun times I had, I really did enjoy his company, and he said he enjoyed mine, and I believe he meant it.
Thank you very much, Mercury Retrograde (makes you ponder over past relationships and miss your ex-lovers, apparently).
No probs, it'll be over by New Years. I can deal with the heart and tummy burn. They'd gone for quite some time.
I just hope that, jiss tarha uss ki yaad mujhey sataati hai, ussi tarha meri yaad usko bhi sattaye.
Because, otherwise, what's the point in my being his soul mate, if I don't even have an effect on him the way he does on me? That I don't pop up in his mind at least once in a while, maybe when I'm sending him Reiki or laughing at something he wrote or said.
Then I was wrong about the connection and will never be able to find out what this was/is.
I have this urgent need to know, why did this happen? Why him? Why me? Even if they say that there is no why and it doesn't change anything, I am hounded by this.
For me, because I am so selective, it holds paramount importance. I've never had anyone have such an impact on me. I felt safe. I really did think he was the one. I think I would have even have settled for him being my brother - at least in the beginning, before I fell in obsession with him.
Because if it was love, true love, I wouldn't be over him so quickly, would I? And he would feel the same for me. True love is two-way, not unrequited. Unrequited love is just not true love. It's just me, sitting here, time-wasting and self-torturing. And stunting my growth.
Obsessed by with, with him. Why? I have been obsessed with Umair before this, true (and I was trying to repeat my pattern with him recently, but he stopped it, thank God) and then random crushes from Years 1 -9.
I just so much want to be loved and to love. To exist, to be the one for somebody. The way I have dreamt. The way I know that my Travis is out there. But why can't the self-love just happen so I'm not desperately seeking it from outside?
I thought it was going to be easy. I thought wrong.
If I can manage to let go of my clingy attachment to him and letting go of the still burning candle and hope that somehow it'll work out and we are meant to be, if I can manage to do that, my life will be a lot easier. My mind will be free from niggling, sometimes torturous, thoughts.
I can let real love flow into my life.
But I still miss him. He is a very deep, spiritual and poetic guy. With a heart of gold. And funny. And kind, and beautiful and sexy and... oh God, here we go again! But, what do I know? I never met the guy. Just needed someone new to obsess over.
I need love. I don't see why I keep pushing it away. Why is it so complicated and intricate and in-depth for us lot, whereas other people just plop and drop and marry at the drop of a hat?
Why did I take up such a hard life path and vow and task if I am now seriously regretting it and not doing what I'm meant to because it's really hard work? And scary? And I'm not sure of the result?
I am not liking being alone and lonely and isolated and feeling like I'm an alien and don't belong.
Although that has lessened considerably.
I talk too much and think of the most randomly silliest of things.
Oh Allah, my dearest Prophet and Imams. Guide me, help me, for my nafs is trying to deceive me again.
I really need to stop resisting my career. But I want love in my life. Again.... did it really have to be si confusant?
I think if I had a cat, it would numb some of the pain. Come to think of it, in the years I had my cats, I would find boys sexy and attractive, but I did not start anything with them. I crushed on Umair while in TO and Imran here. There are no cats to be seen - and no, the snow kitten, as belle as she is, doesn't count!
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